emotional validity
Apr. 1st, 2007 02:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7I have intellectually made a decision not to flip out about various things, but the heart does not always follow as quickly, so we are going to have to see how well I maintain the whole thing.
I really ought to write about my feelings and impressions about the bout last night, so I will take my best shot at doing so. I posted, over on Myspace, a sarcastic, facetious, and in my mind faintly amusing (in that you have to laugh or cry so laugh kind of way) entry about how we played a great game against the refs last night but ultimately victory belonged to them. Because I do feel that the officiating was more a factor in the game than anyone would have liked, and members of both the other teams (the one that skated and the one that hosted the match) agreed with us.
At halftime the head ref actually told our team captain that the other team was committing their fouls on the outside, where they couldn't be seen, and told her we should do the same.
I really really really just do not feel that to have been an appropriate response by any official at any sporting event anywhere; I cannot believe that was said by the head ref at a roller derby match.
In the second-last jam before halftime, three Knockouts were told to sit in the penalty box. According to WFTDA rules, no more than two skaters on each team can be asked to sit out a penalty at one time. If three skaters need to be disciplined, the third will go into the box after the first two have served their penalty.
But this rule was not observed, and so Hazel Maehem was forced to jam with no blockers whatsoever, only a pivot. The fact that she made it through the pack at all is impressive; the fact that she managed to defensively engage the other jammer is still more impressive. The fact that the jam ended with her being hit so hard she flew facefirst into the center of the ring, and could not get up, was inevitable. (She bruised her chin, skinned her knee, and badly bruised her hands/wrists. She was able to skate later in the second half, but could not jam again. The jam where Lizzie was injured, she was substituting for Hazel.)
My post was greeted with flames [some more sincere than others, of course; i can take a joke as well] from various members of the Saucies, and I was scolded for my "hate and vitriol" in a personal message, and was accused of "sour grapes" etc.
This is what I'm trying not to be upset by. (I mean, it's a joke, right? Saucies? Flames? They have flames on their uniforms. It's funny and cute. I don't mind; it's the Internet. Except, of course, it's not the Internet, but whatever. We get over these things. But it's very hard for me to determine what's meant to be funny and what's not. More on that later.) If people have problems with hate and vitriol, it's because they're bringing hate and vitriol into it. I certainly said, in private, to uninvolved friends, drunkenly, a lot of hateful, vitriolic things, because I was upset. I decided not to write anything hateful. I decided not to blame any of it on the Saucies. I decided not to make a big deal and flip out, because how would that serve us? It wouldn't serve us at all.
Because it is a fact, a widely-observed fact, that the reffing was a major issue in the bout. There is no one who understands the sport who was watching who would not say that, hm, there were a few problems.
I am not saying the Saucies didn't deserve a victory. I'm not saying the Knockouts totally would've won and we're better rah rah. I just observed, in keeping with what I saw and felt, the fact that the reffing was an issue, and so I made it plain by implication that I was displeased with the result.
Because I am. Quite apart from Hazel being injured; quite apart from Holly being thrown in the penalty box for defending herself from repeated inappropriate attacks; quite apart from all of that, it made us upset, and we couldn't skate as we have been training to do all this time. It took out a lot of the joy of the sport and left us angry and bewildered.
If it were an issue with the Saucies, I would've said so. They were elbowing and back-blocking and hitting and what-have-you, but it was not malicious, I believe that with everything I have in me. I know these women, I love these women. It was adrenaline, it was excitement. Nothing happened that was entirely inappropriate. Nothing was eggregious. It's just that these things are penalties for a reason, but they were unevenly enforced, and it made an issue where there should not have been. They elbowed us, we elbowed them; neither side was entirely clean. But it was not called evenly, and we were forced to skate short in overtly dangerous conditions.
I know it's a part of every sport. It happens in every single sport there is. In fencing, we knew sometimes we had to fence the director as much as our opponent. You have to learn what rules are most important, what's perceived as a foul, what's more likely to be let slide-- you have to know this both offensively and defensively. So it was certainly an important learning experience for us, to be so well and truly thrown off by it.
I've never said I want the match done over, that I want the points they scored on that jam when we were illegally denied 3 skaters stripped, or anything like that. I'm not saying it wasn't a legitimate bout. Certainly it was; if it was so bad as that we could've refused to skate, or something. The Saucies skated well and scored a lot of points. It was a good bout, most of the time. I'm simply saying, I didn't enjoy a great deal of last night, it hurt me a lot, it really upset me to see my teammates hurt, it confused and enraged me. These are part of learning, but I believe that part of learning is also addressing issues that come up. And I think we really need to improve our reffing. But we knew that already, and of course, we're doing what we can. I would've enjoyed the bout more if I could've just played roller derby; I feel cheated that I could not legitimately pit myself and my team straight-up, fair and square, against a team I have been waiting a long time to face. I had been so excited about this match, had been looking forward to facing certain players, to strategizing against certain lineups-- I love all the girls on the Saucies, and am so impressed by how much they've lately improved, and couldn't wait to skate with them. So I feel real, genuine grief at having had that experience so sullied. What was there, what we did, was often great, but I've had so much more fun in practice. I feel cheated, I feel robbed, I feel angry, because I did not want to feel this way. I wanted to skate my whole heart out and fight well. I didn't want to waste all that time and energy and emotion on the refs. I just wanted to play. There were some jams that were so good, some moments that were exactly what I'd wanted, and they are certainly memories I'll treasure. But I am upset and angry that the experience was so darkened, for me. Of course I don't want to take away what the Saucies have.
But I don't want that to happen next time. What if it does, and we beat the Dollies partly due to unfair calls and mistakes? I don't want my first victory ruined by that any more than I wanted my first two defeats ruined! [Not bringing up the expo bout. Wasn't interested then, still am not.]
Are my feelings not legitimate? Should I not say what I think? Should I only express these things in catty private messages to my teammates behind everyone else's back?
I say no, and so I post these things. I have opinions and I don't like talking behind people's backs.
Besides all of which-- if we don't discuss issues we see, then how can we expect to fix them? We need everyone's perspective so that we can understand what is happening, what is going wrong, what is going right. We are, presumably, having some kind of bout-recap meeting after all of this. I am working through my emotions in the best way that I can, so that by the time we are ready to sit down and discuss it, I will have worked out what is sour grapes, what is resentment, what is anger and vitriol, and be able to set it aside from what I learned, what I observed, what I found out, and what conclusions I can draw to guide the league toward improvements.
Again, I was told in a Myspace comment that there's no way anyone could say that game was unfairly called, but I also know that in person last night I had not only Knockouts but also Dollies, Saucies, and refs express to me their regrets over the problems in the officiating. I am confident and secure, having examined myself, that it is not out of place for me to feel lingering resentment over the way the bout was called and the way that affected the outcome.
Now, on the topic raised above of judging what's funny or not:
I have had a blog for a very long time, and quite early on I realized that publishing things on the Internet is a risky affair. I don't say things I don't mean, and I try to be explicit about my own emotional biases. So yes, dear Internet audience, I am considering you when I write this. I do not always give you the exact considerations you probably think I ought to, but I assure you, I don't say it if I don't mean it, so I'm always a little shocked when people read things into my writing that I know damn well I didn't put there. The problem with an Internet audience is that it is so potentially wide that it's impossible to foretell what any particular audience will bring with them and then "discover" among your writings, so you kind of have to be braced.
It's very hard to brace, however, when someone doesn't respond to your writings, but brings them elsewhere and presents them in a different context to a different audience. Apparently, I was told last night, someone on the Saucies read the offhand comment I made in an earlier post, about how i didn't think their uniforms were as hot as ours, and brought it to the attention of the rest of the team and now they all hate me, or something-- I don't really know. I went back and reread the post and I can't really see where any negative intent could be construed, unless you already have the opinion yourself and are just looking to have it validated. I have an opinion, and the opinion is that I don't like the Dickies dresses as much as the two-piece style of uniform. That's my personal opinion, and I don't really see how it matters that much. I perhaps should've added in, for context, the fact that the Knockouts were going to get Dickies dresses as well, and we tapdanced agonizingly around it for a long time, and the only reason we didn't was the problem that we couldn't get them in the right color.
Lizzie, incidentally, was a big contributor to that debate. Her old team wore them. She claimed they were great, and suited all figure types.
We have a couple of difficult-to-fit girls on the team. I am one. I am much larger up top, another girl is much larger down below. We were both worried that the dresses would look bad on us, but didn't want to kick up a fuss, didn't want to be the lone dissenter, didn't want to force our issues on the rest of the group. The Knockouts have been ludicrously drama-free, to the extent that it's almost surreal-- we don't argue, we don't fight, we don't talk behind one another's backs (well, much-- we are women. I promise we always conclude with something positive), we don't have drama. And none of us wants to be the drama queen who wrecks it all by stirring up trouble. None of us wants to shatter the harmony of the group. So we bigger girls were quiet and tried to be patient and simply have faith that whatever happened would be for the best.
But it was Lizzie that finally brought it up, and said Look, this sport is about empowering women. If we deny that the insecurity issues that these women face about their figures are important, then we are disenfranchising them emotionally. We are telling them that their emotions are not valid. Despite the fact that Lizzie looks awesome in the dress, she stood up for those of us who were not so sure about it, and said, we must respect that. Let's try again to find a solution that will respect the emotions of these women.
So we were the last team to get our uniforms. So we ended up just buying something that looks exactly like what most of us wear to practice. So what? We did it well, and everyone is reasonably happy, and none of us has had to swallow anything that hurt too badly.
So when I observed the Saucies and said that while yes, the dresses were super-hot, I did see that had we, the Knockouts, gone with the same approach, some of the fears that we had dealt with would have surfaced again. Much debate has ensued in my household, and the general consensus is that yes, the Saucies' dresses are hot, and to see them in motion, they look awesome on everyone. I disliked the effect they produced in individual pictures, but they are pretty good in person. But they also don't look that comfortable, they look difficult to manage, and I think that I would be absolutely miserable if I had not been saved from my own over-polite deference by Lizzie's fierce defense of what I was not brave enough to even say.
That, incidentally, is one of the fascinating issues about women. We will damage ourselves far more than any other person could, because we think we should feel something, or we feel that something is expected of us-- we will starve ourselves to death, we will muzzle ourselves, we will break our own bones, we will drive ourselves literally insane, we will completely destroy ourselves from the inside out, without anyone asking anything of the sort-- because we think it's expected, because we don't want to cause a bother, because we want to be good people.
We will keep our mouths shut in public but spread poison in private rather than discussing things up front, because it isn't nice to make a scene.
We cause ourselves more damage than anyone else ever could. I would have sobbed my guts out every time I put that dress on rather than risking disappointing the captain I love with all my heart with the fact that I felt uncomfortable with a decision she'd asked my advice to make.
And it would kill her to find out.
So I would never have told her.
Over something so stupid, so trivial, so small as what to wear. Emotions are not stupid or trivial or small. If we feel them, they are legitimate. We must examine them, must consider them rationally at times, but we cannot say that we can't feel them. Sooner stop the sun from setting. There are emotions not to dwell on, but all emotion is worth addressing.
Preferably up-front, in person, directly, and honestly, but one can't have everything.
...
I am feeling much better this afternoon. Last night I sort of wanted to give up on everything; I couldn't even face the thought of trying to do it again, in a month. It was bleak despair-- what's the point? What can I even do?
But this morning I heard yet another person back up the rumor that Lizzie's just bruised and will walk, and even skate, again, and soon. And my little sisters were gratifyingly excited about the whole thing, asking excited questions and making delightful observations; the older one now wants to move to Buffalo [she's even picked out a name to skate under]. Z has been hacking my cellphone to do cool tricks. The sun has come out. I've had a lot of water and an excellent brunch. My hyacinths and daffodils are starting almost just a little to bloom. Easter is coming.
And I've faced all my emotions, reasoned through them, come to understand why I feel what I feel, and started to feel a little better about feeling that way. I know now what's overreaction and what's legitimate.
And I know what I want to work on for next month.
...
Edited to add: I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming the refs, who were in a very difficult situation. I'm also not blaming the Saucies, who played very hard and certainly didn't take anything they didn't deserve; part of my fuss is that I do not want to be hurt the way I feel that they were hurt either. I do feel bad kicking up a fuss because I don't want to take away from their glee. But they will not ultimately be served by pretending all is well, either.
And in the end: it's just the first, experimental season of an amateur sport. It's not like the world will stop its rotation for a bad call, even in a professional sport with tons of money riding on it. We're just learning. We'll learn.
I really ought to write about my feelings and impressions about the bout last night, so I will take my best shot at doing so. I posted, over on Myspace, a sarcastic, facetious, and in my mind faintly amusing (in that you have to laugh or cry so laugh kind of way) entry about how we played a great game against the refs last night but ultimately victory belonged to them. Because I do feel that the officiating was more a factor in the game than anyone would have liked, and members of both the other teams (the one that skated and the one that hosted the match) agreed with us.
At halftime the head ref actually told our team captain that the other team was committing their fouls on the outside, where they couldn't be seen, and told her we should do the same.
I really really really just do not feel that to have been an appropriate response by any official at any sporting event anywhere; I cannot believe that was said by the head ref at a roller derby match.
In the second-last jam before halftime, three Knockouts were told to sit in the penalty box. According to WFTDA rules, no more than two skaters on each team can be asked to sit out a penalty at one time. If three skaters need to be disciplined, the third will go into the box after the first two have served their penalty.
But this rule was not observed, and so Hazel Maehem was forced to jam with no blockers whatsoever, only a pivot. The fact that she made it through the pack at all is impressive; the fact that she managed to defensively engage the other jammer is still more impressive. The fact that the jam ended with her being hit so hard she flew facefirst into the center of the ring, and could not get up, was inevitable. (She bruised her chin, skinned her knee, and badly bruised her hands/wrists. She was able to skate later in the second half, but could not jam again. The jam where Lizzie was injured, she was substituting for Hazel.)
My post was greeted with flames [some more sincere than others, of course; i can take a joke as well] from various members of the Saucies, and I was scolded for my "hate and vitriol" in a personal message, and was accused of "sour grapes" etc.
This is what I'm trying not to be upset by. (I mean, it's a joke, right? Saucies? Flames? They have flames on their uniforms. It's funny and cute. I don't mind; it's the Internet. Except, of course, it's not the Internet, but whatever. We get over these things. But it's very hard for me to determine what's meant to be funny and what's not. More on that later.) If people have problems with hate and vitriol, it's because they're bringing hate and vitriol into it. I certainly said, in private, to uninvolved friends, drunkenly, a lot of hateful, vitriolic things, because I was upset. I decided not to write anything hateful. I decided not to blame any of it on the Saucies. I decided not to make a big deal and flip out, because how would that serve us? It wouldn't serve us at all.
Because it is a fact, a widely-observed fact, that the reffing was a major issue in the bout. There is no one who understands the sport who was watching who would not say that, hm, there were a few problems.
I am not saying the Saucies didn't deserve a victory. I'm not saying the Knockouts totally would've won and we're better rah rah. I just observed, in keeping with what I saw and felt, the fact that the reffing was an issue, and so I made it plain by implication that I was displeased with the result.
Because I am. Quite apart from Hazel being injured; quite apart from Holly being thrown in the penalty box for defending herself from repeated inappropriate attacks; quite apart from all of that, it made us upset, and we couldn't skate as we have been training to do all this time. It took out a lot of the joy of the sport and left us angry and bewildered.
If it were an issue with the Saucies, I would've said so. They were elbowing and back-blocking and hitting and what-have-you, but it was not malicious, I believe that with everything I have in me. I know these women, I love these women. It was adrenaline, it was excitement. Nothing happened that was entirely inappropriate. Nothing was eggregious. It's just that these things are penalties for a reason, but they were unevenly enforced, and it made an issue where there should not have been. They elbowed us, we elbowed them; neither side was entirely clean. But it was not called evenly, and we were forced to skate short in overtly dangerous conditions.
I know it's a part of every sport. It happens in every single sport there is. In fencing, we knew sometimes we had to fence the director as much as our opponent. You have to learn what rules are most important, what's perceived as a foul, what's more likely to be let slide-- you have to know this both offensively and defensively. So it was certainly an important learning experience for us, to be so well and truly thrown off by it.
I've never said I want the match done over, that I want the points they scored on that jam when we were illegally denied 3 skaters stripped, or anything like that. I'm not saying it wasn't a legitimate bout. Certainly it was; if it was so bad as that we could've refused to skate, or something. The Saucies skated well and scored a lot of points. It was a good bout, most of the time. I'm simply saying, I didn't enjoy a great deal of last night, it hurt me a lot, it really upset me to see my teammates hurt, it confused and enraged me. These are part of learning, but I believe that part of learning is also addressing issues that come up. And I think we really need to improve our reffing. But we knew that already, and of course, we're doing what we can. I would've enjoyed the bout more if I could've just played roller derby; I feel cheated that I could not legitimately pit myself and my team straight-up, fair and square, against a team I have been waiting a long time to face. I had been so excited about this match, had been looking forward to facing certain players, to strategizing against certain lineups-- I love all the girls on the Saucies, and am so impressed by how much they've lately improved, and couldn't wait to skate with them. So I feel real, genuine grief at having had that experience so sullied. What was there, what we did, was often great, but I've had so much more fun in practice. I feel cheated, I feel robbed, I feel angry, because I did not want to feel this way. I wanted to skate my whole heart out and fight well. I didn't want to waste all that time and energy and emotion on the refs. I just wanted to play. There were some jams that were so good, some moments that were exactly what I'd wanted, and they are certainly memories I'll treasure. But I am upset and angry that the experience was so darkened, for me. Of course I don't want to take away what the Saucies have.
But I don't want that to happen next time. What if it does, and we beat the Dollies partly due to unfair calls and mistakes? I don't want my first victory ruined by that any more than I wanted my first two defeats ruined! [Not bringing up the expo bout. Wasn't interested then, still am not.]
Are my feelings not legitimate? Should I not say what I think? Should I only express these things in catty private messages to my teammates behind everyone else's back?
I say no, and so I post these things. I have opinions and I don't like talking behind people's backs.
Besides all of which-- if we don't discuss issues we see, then how can we expect to fix them? We need everyone's perspective so that we can understand what is happening, what is going wrong, what is going right. We are, presumably, having some kind of bout-recap meeting after all of this. I am working through my emotions in the best way that I can, so that by the time we are ready to sit down and discuss it, I will have worked out what is sour grapes, what is resentment, what is anger and vitriol, and be able to set it aside from what I learned, what I observed, what I found out, and what conclusions I can draw to guide the league toward improvements.
Again, I was told in a Myspace comment that there's no way anyone could say that game was unfairly called, but I also know that in person last night I had not only Knockouts but also Dollies, Saucies, and refs express to me their regrets over the problems in the officiating. I am confident and secure, having examined myself, that it is not out of place for me to feel lingering resentment over the way the bout was called and the way that affected the outcome.
Now, on the topic raised above of judging what's funny or not:
I have had a blog for a very long time, and quite early on I realized that publishing things on the Internet is a risky affair. I don't say things I don't mean, and I try to be explicit about my own emotional biases. So yes, dear Internet audience, I am considering you when I write this. I do not always give you the exact considerations you probably think I ought to, but I assure you, I don't say it if I don't mean it, so I'm always a little shocked when people read things into my writing that I know damn well I didn't put there. The problem with an Internet audience is that it is so potentially wide that it's impossible to foretell what any particular audience will bring with them and then "discover" among your writings, so you kind of have to be braced.
It's very hard to brace, however, when someone doesn't respond to your writings, but brings them elsewhere and presents them in a different context to a different audience. Apparently, I was told last night, someone on the Saucies read the offhand comment I made in an earlier post, about how i didn't think their uniforms were as hot as ours, and brought it to the attention of the rest of the team and now they all hate me, or something-- I don't really know. I went back and reread the post and I can't really see where any negative intent could be construed, unless you already have the opinion yourself and are just looking to have it validated. I have an opinion, and the opinion is that I don't like the Dickies dresses as much as the two-piece style of uniform. That's my personal opinion, and I don't really see how it matters that much. I perhaps should've added in, for context, the fact that the Knockouts were going to get Dickies dresses as well, and we tapdanced agonizingly around it for a long time, and the only reason we didn't was the problem that we couldn't get them in the right color.
Lizzie, incidentally, was a big contributor to that debate. Her old team wore them. She claimed they were great, and suited all figure types.
We have a couple of difficult-to-fit girls on the team. I am one. I am much larger up top, another girl is much larger down below. We were both worried that the dresses would look bad on us, but didn't want to kick up a fuss, didn't want to be the lone dissenter, didn't want to force our issues on the rest of the group. The Knockouts have been ludicrously drama-free, to the extent that it's almost surreal-- we don't argue, we don't fight, we don't talk behind one another's backs (well, much-- we are women. I promise we always conclude with something positive), we don't have drama. And none of us wants to be the drama queen who wrecks it all by stirring up trouble. None of us wants to shatter the harmony of the group. So we bigger girls were quiet and tried to be patient and simply have faith that whatever happened would be for the best.
But it was Lizzie that finally brought it up, and said Look, this sport is about empowering women. If we deny that the insecurity issues that these women face about their figures are important, then we are disenfranchising them emotionally. We are telling them that their emotions are not valid. Despite the fact that Lizzie looks awesome in the dress, she stood up for those of us who were not so sure about it, and said, we must respect that. Let's try again to find a solution that will respect the emotions of these women.
So we were the last team to get our uniforms. So we ended up just buying something that looks exactly like what most of us wear to practice. So what? We did it well, and everyone is reasonably happy, and none of us has had to swallow anything that hurt too badly.
So when I observed the Saucies and said that while yes, the dresses were super-hot, I did see that had we, the Knockouts, gone with the same approach, some of the fears that we had dealt with would have surfaced again. Much debate has ensued in my household, and the general consensus is that yes, the Saucies' dresses are hot, and to see them in motion, they look awesome on everyone. I disliked the effect they produced in individual pictures, but they are pretty good in person. But they also don't look that comfortable, they look difficult to manage, and I think that I would be absolutely miserable if I had not been saved from my own over-polite deference by Lizzie's fierce defense of what I was not brave enough to even say.
That, incidentally, is one of the fascinating issues about women. We will damage ourselves far more than any other person could, because we think we should feel something, or we feel that something is expected of us-- we will starve ourselves to death, we will muzzle ourselves, we will break our own bones, we will drive ourselves literally insane, we will completely destroy ourselves from the inside out, without anyone asking anything of the sort-- because we think it's expected, because we don't want to cause a bother, because we want to be good people.
We will keep our mouths shut in public but spread poison in private rather than discussing things up front, because it isn't nice to make a scene.
We cause ourselves more damage than anyone else ever could. I would have sobbed my guts out every time I put that dress on rather than risking disappointing the captain I love with all my heart with the fact that I felt uncomfortable with a decision she'd asked my advice to make.
And it would kill her to find out.
So I would never have told her.
Over something so stupid, so trivial, so small as what to wear. Emotions are not stupid or trivial or small. If we feel them, they are legitimate. We must examine them, must consider them rationally at times, but we cannot say that we can't feel them. Sooner stop the sun from setting. There are emotions not to dwell on, but all emotion is worth addressing.
Preferably up-front, in person, directly, and honestly, but one can't have everything.
...
I am feeling much better this afternoon. Last night I sort of wanted to give up on everything; I couldn't even face the thought of trying to do it again, in a month. It was bleak despair-- what's the point? What can I even do?
But this morning I heard yet another person back up the rumor that Lizzie's just bruised and will walk, and even skate, again, and soon. And my little sisters were gratifyingly excited about the whole thing, asking excited questions and making delightful observations; the older one now wants to move to Buffalo [she's even picked out a name to skate under]. Z has been hacking my cellphone to do cool tricks. The sun has come out. I've had a lot of water and an excellent brunch. My hyacinths and daffodils are starting almost just a little to bloom. Easter is coming.
And I've faced all my emotions, reasoned through them, come to understand why I feel what I feel, and started to feel a little better about feeling that way. I know now what's overreaction and what's legitimate.
And I know what I want to work on for next month.
...
Edited to add: I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming the refs, who were in a very difficult situation. I'm also not blaming the Saucies, who played very hard and certainly didn't take anything they didn't deserve; part of my fuss is that I do not want to be hurt the way I feel that they were hurt either. I do feel bad kicking up a fuss because I don't want to take away from their glee. But they will not ultimately be served by pretending all is well, either.
And in the end: it's just the first, experimental season of an amateur sport. It's not like the world will stop its rotation for a bad call, even in a professional sport with tons of money riding on it. We're just learning. We'll learn.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 08:10 pm (UTC)I'm not blaming them.
The poor bastards.
We hardly know how to play the sport-- we've come a long way and worked very hard and absolutely killed ourselves to get to this point, and it's impressive, but we still have a long way to go.
And the same applies to the refs. They've worked hard. I'm not saying there was any malicious intent on their part either. I'm sure it wasn't a conspiracy. They deserve huge credit for showing up and putting up with us.
But again, absence of malice doesn't make everything hunky-dory. We all have a shitload more work to do.
And we have to discuss what happened before we can reasonably expect to improve.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 08:12 pm (UTC)...
I'm not crazy! I'm not talking to myself!!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 11:51 pm (UTC)Which is kind of the opposite of how I've chosen to approach this.
And it is very hard for me to not regret opening my big mouth.
And it is complicated still further by the fact that everyone who agrees with me does so privately. So to those who disagree, I'm still pretty much a lone nut, with exceptionally firm convictions.
But I don't regret opening my big mouth because otherwise nobody would. I'm just a little tired at the moment, and more worried by who is reading and not responding, and what they are saying that I can't respond to. They've a perfect right to do so, of course; it's just that I know I'll have to walk into that debate when it's already way advanced and a lot of conclusions have been formed in my absence, and that's always a joy.
But it's what you get for never f-locking anything. And I am a loony. With firm convictions. And a big fucking mouth.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-02 12:11 am (UTC)I thought that would be so awesome.
I have no idea how anyone would organize something like that.
Maybe stuff like that happens at Rollercon? I just can't get the time off to go. Hopefully enough of us can go that they'll come back with more stuff we can use.
Of course we're learning amazing amounts on our own, but it's just so frustrating to have put in so much work so far and still not be there yet. Of course we want to know everything now!!
This is just so much harder than I could've imagined. I also sort of can't believe how much I've learned so far.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 10:43 pm (UTC)Right about the refs though. You do need to edit it.
I expect yours weren't the only hurt feelings. Probably every one will calm down and realize they got in a huff for no reason.
Don't forget that you're exploring new territory. Yes, I know you know. And by now you've remembered it.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 10:05 pm (UTC)We will keep our mouths shut in public but spread poison in private rather than discussing things up front, because it isn't nice to make a scene.
Sing it, sister. Testify.
I have no problem at all making a scene and discussing things upfront. I haven't got a passive bone in my body, and no passive-aggressive ones, either. I'm purely aggressive.
Which, for a woman, is a no-no in the Judeo-Christian-Islamic Sky God world.
Well - screw them. I say what I think. I try to do it in a way that won't hurt, but I'm damned if I'm willing to give myself ulcers to spare someone else's pereference for tea-party politesse.
Anyone doesn't like it, they know where the door is. And good riddance.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 11:56 pm (UTC)Sigh.
But I love these people, and I understand why they do what they do, and I cannot entirely blame them for it. I had that whole rant in there about the validity of all emotions-- I can't deny how they feel and that it's valid if I want them to take *my* feelings seriously.
And so if what I wrote hurt them so much they couldn't come to me about it and had to seek solace first in sharing it with their like-minded friends, then that's their method of coping. It was actually a bit catty of me to refer to it as "poison" and I will probably come closest to regretting that line of the whole long essay up there.
All I can do is be frustrated and hope to work through my own emotions in such a way that I can then meet with and deal with theirs.
I admire your defiance and unreliance on others, really I do. But I don't think that yours is my way.
I do wish I could be a bit more aggressive, though, in almost all areas of my life. So don't think I'm not taking your example to heart. ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 11:59 pm (UTC)My point, though, related purely to the training of women to react a specific way to a specific set of stimuli, and to use guilt as a method of ensuring that we shut up.
And I can't, not as the mother of a daughter. No way.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-02 12:08 am (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 11:29 pm (UTC)Dammit. Yet another way in which I am not a woman. When oh when can I pick up my new shiny penis?
Seriously, though, and up-front: I realize that you are generalizing to make a point, but I am tired of negative generalizations about women that do not even seem particularly accurate from where I am standing.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 11:46 pm (UTC)I also did not say "all women". But it is true that women will do this. There are men who will as well, to be sure, but that is not contraindicated by my statement. I merely ignored that issue because it wasn't where I wanted to go.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-02 12:56 am (UTC)Also, the whole paragraph right before, which starts with
That, incidentally, is one of the fascinating issues about women. ...
really does seem female-themed, with the mentions of starving oneself and so on. So I am guessing that you started out talking about a female issue before moving onto more general, human statements...?
But it's not that big a deal for me, really. I just dislike statements that generalize about the genders, both for wussy personal reasons and because it's usually bad for gender equality, and I am sort of trying to make people more aware of making them.