i give up

[dragonlady7]

You know what?
This week sucks. My mood sucks. Everything that can go wrong, pretty much does. Everything blows. Nobody's got any good news. People are shitty to me. Even things I should look forward to are needlessly complicated and frustrating. I don't want to do anything. Not even napping is any fun, because all I can do is obsess about various things that are worrying me. Doing usually rewarding household chores like laundry is futile and stupid because I just wind up obsessing about the things worrying me instead of pleasantly spacing out like I usually do. My taxes, which I filed an extension for, are no more figure-outable than they were in April, and now the final deadline approaches and I still can't do them. Yes, I am going to file my income taxes based on random numbers and wild guesswork, because at this point I have absolutely no option.
And no, I won't get my tax return, not if my figures are entirely based on guesswork. But I've no fucking idea what else to do. (Can I file for another extension? But what's the point? I still won't know what to do in another six months.)

My sister is coming to visit, finally, for the first time in over a year... the day I leave for THE ONLY TRIP I will make beyond my neighborhood THIS ENTIRE SUMMER. Yes.
So my sole excitement for the entire summer has become that much more complicated.

My house is a mess. I wanted to clean it this morning, but only succeeded in wasting the entire morning looking for various pieces of paper which, I have concluded, don't exist. I had considered perhaps doing some writing in the intermissions among my various hunts for various items, but of course if I can't hold a thought in my head longer than thirty seconds, that really wasn't an option, although I did manage to finish my letter to Katy and in its self-analytical final page express that I can't finish a book without taking time off to do so, and can't justify taking time off for writing unless I've finished a book to prove I can, so I am in essence completely stuck at this point, and might as well just give up on life now. I mean, what the fuck is the point?
There isn't one.

I tried to just lie down and relax for a little while, because if I show up at work near tears because my life doesn't work, I'm never going to survive another shift. I only barely survived yesterday. But all I could do was fret over the things bothering me, so that didn't work.
I did get some laundry done. Go me. Didn't help. It's just going to get dirty again. What's the point? There isn't one.

So, I am about to leave for work, I am in tears because nothing works, I have no time to clean my house before I leave for this weekend, and Z has been unbearably snarky via IM whenever I have asked him for anything today, so he's So Totally Helping. Yes.

In short: I hate everyone and everything, and am going to go have a really shitty day at work and hate them too. Yay! I just hope I don't get so upset that I quit, because I really can't afford to.


On the day's sole light note, I got a letter from White Flower Farms informing me that Katy had bought me a clematis, some snowdrops, and some crocuses, and they'll be shipped to me this autumn, which was quite nice, but at this point I hate everything so much that I've really no interest whatsoever in hearing about plants, so I'm going to have to express my enthusiasm some other time. Do I give a fuck about my garden? No, because it doesn't give a fuck about me. So fuck it. And everything else along with it. It will be a miracle if I manage not to drive the car squarely into something. Knock wood. Jesus.

Comments

[spacellama.livejournal.com]

Life suckage apparently at its zenith at the moment. It has to get better from here.

Massage yesterday sounds nice. Maybe good things like that will start multiplying soon...

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Massage... Sadly, the boy has little prediliction for the rather ungeekly pastime of touching other humans, and so a massage is likely to remain a very rare treat. He was behaving very strangely last night, I must say, and very, very sweetly, and I won't spoil it by expecting it all the time. He was at least pleasant tonight, and said very frankly and without any surliness that he had been rather overwhelmed by his new job and had done nothing towards getting me my birthday present-- but he did have it in the back of his mind, he just didn't know what to do about it. Which makes me sad, on the one hand, but then, it's true-- he has rather too much to do at work, and spends time at home fretting over it, which is unlike him, poor dear. So I told him it was all right, as long as on my actual birthday morning he made some sort of a modicum of fuss and told me I was special.

Also, I left him a post-it cryptically asking him to take out the garbage, and not only did he take care of it and the recycling, he also mowed the lawn so he could put the clippings out too. So, there's that.

But yes-- it is likely to improve from here. I have rather too many things worrying me and too little I can do about them, but it will change soon, so while life itself doesn't really get all that much worse or better, one's ability to cope can often improve. So yes. Crank up the Bob Marley. No woman no cry: everything gonna be all right. Eventually.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Wooh. I am getting worried about you. Anything one could do to help?

What's the problem with the taxes, exactly? That you don't know how much to claim in tips? I bet your odds of getting audited are very, very low...

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

The problem with the taxes is that I collected unemployment benefits for a large swathe of 2004, and they never sent me anything remotely comparable to a W-2. I have no idea how much I collected. And it's not even like how pay stubs give you a YTD total. The unemployment checks don't. So even after pawing through all my records (i keep everything, but not in order) to find the most recent one, I still haven't even got an approximate total.
I also don't know how much I paid on them in taxes. The only information the stubs (or checks) actually contain is that my benefit rate was $310/wk, and the checks were for $279. Where did the other $41 go? I've no idea; it never said. I assumed taxes, but which ones? State? Local? Federal? What?

I've tried to call the Dep't of Labor since January when I realized they weren't sending me a W-2, but it's nigh-impossible to get through, as I had learned when I tried to sign up for unemployment in the first place. So at this point, what I'm going to have to do is count how many weeks I received the benefits and do math to figure out how much I probably got. But it's made more difficult by the fact that I didn't collect every week, because I did a bit of off-the-books freelancing and figured karma would smite me if I collected benefits on those weeks, but then, half the time I never got paid for the freelance gigs anyway, and besides which, I didn't keep any records really.

So, in short, I'm going to pick a random number and put it onto my 1040 and postmark it just before the post office closes next Monday, as I have absolutely no other choice at this point, and even if I did have more time, what the hell would I do? Nothing: same as I've accomplished since January. I don't even know where to start. So I might as well take my best shot. What are they going to do, audit me? Go ahead: let them try getting through to the NY DOL, because I sure as hell can't. I'd be interested to know how much I really earned, though. Just out of curiosity.


I'm touched that you're worried; I do think I was a bit harsh in the entry, above, but I have been odd lately. it's not that I'm depressed-- i don't get clinically depressed, but I think that's like a lot of psychological stuff, where everybody gets it to a certain extent, like how a lot of people are a bit obsessive-compulsive but not to the extent that it's a disorder-- although i've only studied this by helping various roommates get through their boring notes for a test, so I hardly know what I'm talking about... Anyhow, I get depressive sometimes, and this isn't that, it's more that I'm very easily frustrated and either get very angry or very sad, very easily. What I think is that I need a rest, rather badly. I haven't really talked about the things going on at work, but there are a few things Management is forcing upon us that are stressing all of us out, so I'm hardly alone in being fed up with it all. I'm just the only one crying in the back room, usually. (I didn't today! Which is good, because I was at the location where the backroom is a crowded kitchen, so it would've been awkward. Although the morning person today was the girl who closed with me last night and saw me at my most useless, and she was making jokes about me being useless and clumsy, and I know they were quite funny, and I was laughing, but ridiculously enough I was rather hurt to have the petite and graceful bartender pointing out what a great big oaf I was. Despite the fact that, well, yes, I'd just run into the other waitress who fortunately is nearly my size so I didn't hurt her, and then had broken a glass, and then had dropped the cocktail shaker so that it made an unholy racket... Yeah, she was pretty much right.)

Sigh. But I am jealous of everyone who has gone off for interesting conferences in exotic locales this summer. A large proportion of my flist is academics, and it is making me rather rue the road not taken. Except that i can't research for shit, so really, I'd be an indifferent academic at best... and would probably wind up just as awkward at a research conference as I am behind a bar. Regardless of how exotic the locale. :)

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I've made mistakes in my taxes before, in my disfavour*, and all the IRS did to me is fix the mistake and send me an extra check. So I'd say: send the paperwork off, doing your best not to underestimate how much you owe the government, and you'll be fine. (We don't earn enough for them to bother with an audit, anyway.)

* It's confusing when you are a US resident for federal tax purposes, but not for any other.

[lenine2.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I feel for you. It bites being overwhelmed with all of the little pieces of shit that fall on you. I know it sounds crazy, but I think it's easier to deal with major disasters than it is to deal with the day to day crap.

Tax-wise, would it help at all to dump it on an accountant? My accountant charges me around $200 per year to do both my personal and my corporate returns. It's WAY worth it.

Ugh again. I keep thinking of reassuring things to say, but when I type them in they just look condescending. I guess I'll just send psychic vibes your way (I don't think they really make it across Lake Michigan, though) and hope that your weekend at home makes you happy.

Oh - and White Flower Farm: Zowie! I LOVE THAT CATALOG! It's the Chanel of the gardening elite! What kind of clematis? Snowdrops and crocuses - do you realize you'll have flowers in MARCH of next year? Jealousy! When your sister gets home from Iraq you must kiss her feet for such a thoughtful gift!

BTW, I haven't given up on trying to find out what your night bloomer flower is.

I will now butt out of your life for the evening.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

> little pieces of shit

YES. I am actually, believe it or not, quite a cool head and competent person in a major crisis. Automobile accidents, relationship meltdowns, travel disasters, etc.-- I can deal with.
But it's the ongoing, small-scale, unimportant, but necessary bits that are so hard to cope with.
I remember when I had mono-- I'd been tired and sore and unable to function for weeks-- and they told me I was seriously ill, and I suddenly felt so much better-- because there was something wrong and it was officially no longer my fault. I think being diagnosed with something Serious probably saved my life.

> Tax-wise

Too late for that. I considered it, but really, what would an accountant say? "You need this piece of paper." I knew that. I can't get it. I don't know how. So... Kinda no.
Actually last year was pretty sweet because Z did them. But he couldn't figure it out either this year. He hasn't done his, but at least he has at least most of the paperwork he needs.

> psychic vibes

Good enough. I do hope this weekend helps. My mom has either one or the other effect on me, so we'll have to see-- either I'll be totally made better because she's so awesome, or she will utterly destroy me and leave me a hopeless wreck. I sort of can't predict.

> gardening elite

I luuuurve it as well. I used to read it when I lived at home, and now I never really had any interest in gardening, but it was totally captivating. Mom has been working on landscaping around our house for 28 years now, so the place is really... interesting by now. And there are a lot of white flower farm plants around-- she's going to dig me up some lilies she got from them a while ago.
And daffodils.

It's a Clematis x jackmanii Superba, which as I recall is the deep purple long-flowering one. I want to put it by the front porch-- I have to consult with mom as to whether to put it on the south or north side, though.
The morning glories are starting to bloom now on all the chain-link fences. I am curious as to whether they'll really re-seed themselves-- but there's one behind methat's deep purple, facing all its blooms into the neighbor's yard, and the north fence has a white one with pink stripes. It's just the west fence that's mostly leaves and no flowers now, and at least the vines are being interesting.

And yes-- I had a few crocuses this year, all from a pack of lavender ones my mom gave me, and they were SO DAMN CUTE I needed to get me some more. And snowdrops are apparently a Latvian thing, and I wanted to plant something we could tell the house's owner about that she'd like. There was some squill, apparently, but not enough to be dramatic. I'm going to plant the snowdrops in clumps in the lawn this time, near the edges of the garden, because a lot of the little old ladies down on Hertel did that and it was so cute this year.

When my sister gets home from Iraq she's getting many many kisses, don't you fear. :D