RAIN ALREADY!
Jun. 9th, 2005 09:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7OMGWTFBBQ it's overcast and oppressive and my garden is crying out for water and it hasn't rained appreciably for the last MONTH will you just OPEN UP already, heavens???!!
Rrgh.
I slept in this morning (which took a lot of effort. I woke at 6, 6:30, 7, 7:15, etc... up until nearly 9, when I finally got up. In the meantime someone in the yard kitty-corner to ours was doing construction, the garbage truck was removing half the neighborhood, and cars kept going by with a sound like wet tires, so I was sure, sure it had rained. I was so sure it had rained I could smell it. But no.
Sitting beside Dave, I went to look at a neat website with pretty, pretty plus-size clothes, linked to by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tyellas. She had made some comment about one of the bathing suits, and so I looked at them, and yes they were nice, but mostly they started at 1X or 2X, and I am an XL on top and a L on bottom. (As far as I can figure from the measurement charts.)
Er, this goes off quite a ways, and some of it sounds shockingly insensitive. Please do be aware that this is just a thought-ramble about my perception of my perceptions, and I'm not offering any value judgements on the various groups I'm analyzing my unconsidered reactions to. These aren't my logical conclusions, they're my initial reactions.
I determined from looking at all the pictures of the pretty pretty dresses and, er, bikinis, that I have a definite line in my size-positiveness. Many of the models, I considered attractive. But a few, they were just too big, too non-proportional, too... unhealthy-looking. I have not yet determined where my line is. I am all about the embracing different body types thing, but occasionally I think "Damn, woman!" It's not a question of sheer size-- I really do think that my reaction is determined by shape.
I've noticed my own inner, semi-conscious biases a lot more now that I have a job where I deal with humans en masse. It's disturbing, sometimes, for me to realize that I'm sizing people up by a very brief first impression and a lot of my dealings with them are determined by that. For instance, if I hear someone speaking Spanish with a Spanish accent, I won't wait on them, because I know they will be horribly rude to me and not leave a tip. If they are speaking Latino Spanish, I'll be hesitant, but if they speak English to me there's no need to worry-- they'll tip in line (i.e. unpredictably but probably, on average, decently) with the majority of my customers, white American folks. Asians make me hesitate, but if they speak reasonable English they'll also tip decently. (Even if they don't speak any English, at least in their case they'll be polite.) African-Americans are a demographic I haven't figured out yet-- they are not as numerous as the other groups, and have been inconsistent-- some tip very poorly or not at all, some tip very well, and I have not yet been able to figure out the variables. They're not the same as white Americans, who tip either very poorly or very well -- in their cases, I usually have some inkling of the variables that make them different. Not so with the African-Americans-- I never know what to expect.
More disturbing to me is my reaction to obese customers. It varies widely, and I like to think I'm pretty good at completely hiding my own gut reactions in this case and in the cases above. But there are the inevitable heavyset-person-orders-a-ton-of-fatty-food, and a Diet Coke, cases, where I just want to ask them why they bother with the diet soda. The thing is, it's not the actual size of the customer that makes me think this way, it's the overall demeanour. There have been some overweight women who just seem very comfortable in their bodies, and are finicky eaters who eat a lot but not if it's not good food. I can totally respect that. Other times, there are just gluttonous men who look unhealthy and don't even taste what they're wolfing down. That makes me feel funny.
I dont know-- I'm not really explaining myself very well there. It's just that I'm trying to think where the line is between "fat" and "not". I definitely have a conception in my brain that "fat" is not OK. My line is certainly far higher than Hollywood's. I have always (even when I was 15, 5'6", and 140) considered myself to be very narrowly just this side of the line, but that doesn't mean I consider other women larger than myself to be the other side of it.
I think what it is is shape. My own mother was a size 24, and was very unhappy with her size, for a number of years. She was fat, but not unacceptably so, and I think the reason (besides my just being very used to her) was that her waist remained defined. It was smaller than her breasts or hips, and so she wasn't just blobby. (Now she's a size 14 and her waist is much less defined. She's all shoulders and no ass, and looks like a boy. Also, to me, her head looks too big. Ha. That's because I'm not used to her at all: I see her too seldom. She does look much healthier, though-- her face has so much more definition. I just wish she weren't so damn smug about it all!)
All right, so that just went nowhere. We never said I was doing ok this morning. No, the brain isn't really working. Dave just asked what I want to do today and I gave him a blank look and said, "Oh. I hadn't really thought about it..."
Anyhow. So we were sitting here, silent for probably fifteen minutes. Dave was working in his coding program, working on his Gmail notifier, and I had moved on to reading back entries and links and things people had posted. Out of nowhere Dave says, "Well, you'll have to either gain or lose weight."
I looked at his computer screen. I had the strong impression that he'd just been doing calculations or something, like he'd just written an algorithm that would determine the optimal bathing suit size for me.
"What?" I said finally.
"To find a bathing suit that fits," he said. "Like we were talking about."
OK, that was much funnier at the time.
But it does bother me, that even in this era of niche specialties and everything-in-the-world-being-available-on-the-Internet, that the only possible way I can find myself a bathing suit that actually fits me is to change my size. Surely I am not that much of a freak! Surely there are enough other people my size that someone, somewhere must manufacture or sell such a thing! Isn't there a whole demographic lurking between the misses and plusses? If freaky-ass Dave can find jeans that fit I should be able to find a goddamn bra!! I mean, not that I don't want to change my size, but it is slow going, and it severely annoys me that I have no other option besides wearing a sack and looking more ridiculous than I already do.
But no.
And no, I am neither witty nor clever this morning. I realize this.
Rrgh.
I slept in this morning (which took a lot of effort. I woke at 6, 6:30, 7, 7:15, etc... up until nearly 9, when I finally got up. In the meantime someone in the yard kitty-corner to ours was doing construction, the garbage truck was removing half the neighborhood, and cars kept going by with a sound like wet tires, so I was sure, sure it had rained. I was so sure it had rained I could smell it. But no.
Sitting beside Dave, I went to look at a neat website with pretty, pretty plus-size clothes, linked to by
tyellas. She had made some comment about one of the bathing suits, and so I looked at them, and yes they were nice, but mostly they started at 1X or 2X, and I am an XL on top and a L on bottom. (As far as I can figure from the measurement charts.) Er, this goes off quite a ways, and some of it sounds shockingly insensitive. Please do be aware that this is just a thought-ramble about my perception of my perceptions, and I'm not offering any value judgements on the various groups I'm analyzing my unconsidered reactions to. These aren't my logical conclusions, they're my initial reactions.
I determined from looking at all the pictures of the pretty pretty dresses and, er, bikinis, that I have a definite line in my size-positiveness. Many of the models, I considered attractive. But a few, they were just too big, too non-proportional, too... unhealthy-looking. I have not yet determined where my line is. I am all about the embracing different body types thing, but occasionally I think "Damn, woman!" It's not a question of sheer size-- I really do think that my reaction is determined by shape.
I've noticed my own inner, semi-conscious biases a lot more now that I have a job where I deal with humans en masse. It's disturbing, sometimes, for me to realize that I'm sizing people up by a very brief first impression and a lot of my dealings with them are determined by that. For instance, if I hear someone speaking Spanish with a Spanish accent, I won't wait on them, because I know they will be horribly rude to me and not leave a tip. If they are speaking Latino Spanish, I'll be hesitant, but if they speak English to me there's no need to worry-- they'll tip in line (i.e. unpredictably but probably, on average, decently) with the majority of my customers, white American folks. Asians make me hesitate, but if they speak reasonable English they'll also tip decently. (Even if they don't speak any English, at least in their case they'll be polite.) African-Americans are a demographic I haven't figured out yet-- they are not as numerous as the other groups, and have been inconsistent-- some tip very poorly or not at all, some tip very well, and I have not yet been able to figure out the variables. They're not the same as white Americans, who tip either very poorly or very well -- in their cases, I usually have some inkling of the variables that make them different. Not so with the African-Americans-- I never know what to expect.
More disturbing to me is my reaction to obese customers. It varies widely, and I like to think I'm pretty good at completely hiding my own gut reactions in this case and in the cases above. But there are the inevitable heavyset-person-orders-a-ton-of-fatty-food, and a Diet Coke, cases, where I just want to ask them why they bother with the diet soda. The thing is, it's not the actual size of the customer that makes me think this way, it's the overall demeanour. There have been some overweight women who just seem very comfortable in their bodies, and are finicky eaters who eat a lot but not if it's not good food. I can totally respect that. Other times, there are just gluttonous men who look unhealthy and don't even taste what they're wolfing down. That makes me feel funny.
I dont know-- I'm not really explaining myself very well there. It's just that I'm trying to think where the line is between "fat" and "not". I definitely have a conception in my brain that "fat" is not OK. My line is certainly far higher than Hollywood's. I have always (even when I was 15, 5'6", and 140) considered myself to be very narrowly just this side of the line, but that doesn't mean I consider other women larger than myself to be the other side of it.
I think what it is is shape. My own mother was a size 24, and was very unhappy with her size, for a number of years. She was fat, but not unacceptably so, and I think the reason (besides my just being very used to her) was that her waist remained defined. It was smaller than her breasts or hips, and so she wasn't just blobby. (Now she's a size 14 and her waist is much less defined. She's all shoulders and no ass, and looks like a boy. Also, to me, her head looks too big. Ha. That's because I'm not used to her at all: I see her too seldom. She does look much healthier, though-- her face has so much more definition. I just wish she weren't so damn smug about it all!)
All right, so that just went nowhere. We never said I was doing ok this morning. No, the brain isn't really working. Dave just asked what I want to do today and I gave him a blank look and said, "Oh. I hadn't really thought about it..."
Anyhow. So we were sitting here, silent for probably fifteen minutes. Dave was working in his coding program, working on his Gmail notifier, and I had moved on to reading back entries and links and things people had posted. Out of nowhere Dave says, "Well, you'll have to either gain or lose weight."
I looked at his computer screen. I had the strong impression that he'd just been doing calculations or something, like he'd just written an algorithm that would determine the optimal bathing suit size for me.
"What?" I said finally.
"To find a bathing suit that fits," he said. "Like we were talking about."
OK, that was much funnier at the time.
But it does bother me, that even in this era of niche specialties and everything-in-the-world-being-available-on-the-Internet, that the only possible way I can find myself a bathing suit that actually fits me is to change my size. Surely I am not that much of a freak! Surely there are enough other people my size that someone, somewhere must manufacture or sell such a thing! Isn't there a whole demographic lurking between the misses and plusses? If freaky-ass Dave can find jeans that fit I should be able to find a goddamn bra!! I mean, not that I don't want to change my size, but it is slow going, and it severely annoys me that I have no other option besides wearing a sack and looking more ridiculous than I already do.
But no.
And no, I am neither witty nor clever this morning. I realize this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 03:11 pm (UTC)I have a friend who's 300 pounds or so and drinks Diet Coke a lot. The thing is, she's always on some diet or another. Every once in a while, she'll take a "weekend off" or something, and the diet will be blown all to hell. A few weeks later, she'll pick up on another diet or exercise regime. And throughout it all, Diet Coke. I don't think that she's going to make a lot of headway with this intermittant healthy eating, but I think the Diet Coke is, for her, the base, the thing that keeps her thinking about losing weight. If she started drinking sugary soft drinks, she'd just sit down and give up. Maybe.
I'm weirdly shaped and, since I gained this weight, have never found a dress that fits. Swimsuits are easy: I just deal with crushed boobies. Makes me more waterdynamic! But dresses are another story. If I try on a dress that fits the boobage, it hangs like a sack o stuff off the rest of my body. Dude, I want to shout: I have a waist! I have a booty! Feh.
I've heard that Fredericks of Hollywood makes clothing for unusually curvy women. But I haven't had the self-confidence to order anything from them.
What about those two-piece swimsuits where the top is more like a tank top? You could get those in two different sizes.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 03:41 pm (UTC)I was trying to convey a sort of size-positive but not just mindlessly accepting dynamic. That's how I feel. I've been worried my entire life about being fat, and so Ive given this rather more attention than it deserves as well. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being a bit overweight. I personally would like to be in better shape, but I know that I judge myself fatter than I judge other people, and also I just think I'd be hotter and happier and would have a bit more energy if I were a little thinner.
But people who are just grossly overweight to the point that it inhibits motion and makes them just weird shapes-- I can't help it, I don't like it. I can accept fat rolls because everyone has them, but once they get beyond a certain level, like actively kinda dangling in fully-articulated ways, I start thinking maybe it's not something to be positive about.
Not that I feel the need to force this opinion on other people, mind you. I was just considering it, is all. I would never ever tell a customer that I wouldn't order them a third plate of wings. It's their problem. It's just that as a person who's spent her whole life skating the border of fatness and attempting to do something about it, I can't feel sorry for them when they complain that the world doesn't fit them. (Mind you, I also can't feel sorry for the normal-weight guy who eats three plates of wings and then complains of indigestion. Dude. Maybe you were hungry but you got it coming.)
I happen to dislike Diet Coke, and serve rather too much of it to be entirely comfortable with it. But, I guess, if Diet Coke is her sort of weight-consciousness totem, then more power to it.
I shared a cubicle with a grossly obese woman (the kind with the flap of fat that hangs down in front) who was on Atkins and used it as an excuse to eat peanut butter a lot. Eurgh. So I can't help but think of her a bit when I think of Diet Coke-- she'd drink seven or eight cans of it in a day, regardless of her diet, as if it didn't count because it was Diet. (It still has calories, dude.)
> fits the boobage, it hangs like a sack o stuff
Yes. This happened even when I had my mother tailor-make me a dress. She just refuses to believe that my boobs are actually that big, while my waist is actually not. But then, she's spent my entire life dressing me in sacks, so it's not really a surprise.
This is why I have such a deep desire for corsetry. If I had money, I would have dresses that incorporated stays and corsets and the like for every occasion. Because I look fantabulous in stays. because God dammit, I am hourglass-shaped.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 03:41 pm (UTC)Not what happens, in my case. What happens is that the boob area is ridiculously too small, and the boobs fall either out the top or bottom. If out the top, then I'm indecently exposed, even for me. (I tend not to be very shy.) If they fall out the bottom, then they look kinda like, well, I become a blob monster.
Fredericks of Hollywood does indeed carry quite lovely bras up to F; they're the only store I've ever purchased bras that fit, that weren't the Grandma Available Up To GGG boulder-holder type. Unfortunately, their bras are not engineered for that size, and so they tend to be the sort that fit absolutely gorgeously as long as I remain upright and don't bend in any direction. Because then the boobs kinda start with the spillage. Because a DDD (F) can't really be contained by a plunge-front bra with a half-inch-wide band at the front. They're not uncomfortable, they just give me the quadra-boob effect. I am not at all intimidated by F of H, and recommend them to anyone, but their engineering isn't as solid as their attitude. (I believe I am wearing an F of H bra in this photo (http://pics.livejournal.com/dragonlady7/pic/0005gccg/g15) which depresses me because I thought I looked so cute and yet you can see I do look so lumpy. See? Quadra-boob. To that bra's credit, one of the seams has given way from wear, and so it's not quite as tight in the band or stable in the cups as it ought to be. I should fix it or replace it; it's two years old. But still.)
>two different sizes
Two-piece swimsuits? You mean, the foundation of Lands' End's "Millions of women love our swimsuits!" campaign? The entire catalog with over eight thousand combinations?
Not available above a C. Hence the start of all this ranting.
Jesus Christ, eight thousand possible combinations, including several which would be my ideal bathing suit-- one of those short but somewhat fullish swim skirts, because I hate my uppermost innermost thighs and believe that area of the body should not be displayed, and a v-neck halter-top (I have wanted a bathing suit of this precise design for over eight years now)-- but nary a single one available for over a C.
They do have a couple of D-cup swimsuits. I have one, a gift from my mother about six years ago. They are universally hideous (mine is pink and has those big bold flowers meant to distract from the figure), come only in improbable designs (mine has a keyhole back that must be unfastened to put the suit on, and cannot be refastened by the wearer), and are still not big enough, so I slightly fall out the bottom and look hideously fat.
But yes. I could and would get a two-piece in two different sizes if ANYONE IN THE WORLD made a bathing suit that would support (let alone flatter) a DDD cup. But I have not been able to find such a thing in stores, catalogues, or the Internet, and given that I am an incompetent shopper, have given up. I will wear a bra and a t-shirt and some shorts and underpants, as I have done for years. The extra drag means more exercise, right? And the extra hours of dripping are good for the, um, soul. But in the meantime I will send a snarky "fuck you" to Lands' End's perky "millions of women" ad campaign. I am attempting to find their customer service email address to send them this cheerful greeting...
I would buy a bottom and make a top but I can't even sew the hem on a set of curtains, so doing the fancy stitching required for a bra-style swimsuit top is utterly beyond me.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 05:31 am (UTC)And I shall not discuss my own Weight Issues here as that would take way too long. Except to say that I blame my mother for them: I spent much of my teenage years weighing 135 pounds at 5'10", and my mother was always urging me to diet and complaining about my size. This makes me rather angry now, as it gave me a very warped self-image. A few years ago I went up to a size 14-16 and she sat me down all teary and told me I was obese and nobody would ever love me. When I mentioned that I had a boyfriend she said it was only because American men are perverts.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 12:53 pm (UTC):-D
- Z
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 01:20 pm (UTC)I think that's what I object to. At her biggest, my mom could still lift 80-pound sacks of cement (and was frequently required to). (She actually complains now that she's 100 pounds lighter she no longer has the heft to budge some heavy objects around the house: they're bigger than she is now.)
> 135 pounds at 5' 10"
Wow, wouldn't that make you dead??? My mother used to brag that in college she'd been 140 (she's five-eleven) and so skinny her thighs didn't touch, with braids she could sit on. (To her credit, I've seen the photos, and she was pretty hot, but it's scary to see her that skinny. She just doesn't belong being that skinny.)
My mother was similar-- I was never skinny, but I was 5' 6" and about 160, and was a D-cup, and she made fun of me for having ridiculous boobs (to the point that i was too shy to ask her to help me buy a bra that fit, and thus wore bras that were entirely the wrong size until I was 18) and constantly nagged me about counting calories and the like. But, in her defense, at least I actually was chubby, a little. Your mom just sounds, well, worse.
> American men are perverts
I went in just now through Dave's bedroom and he was sitting on his bed reading his computer and looking highly amused. I asked him what was so funny and he read me the American men are perverts line. (I'm a size 14-16.)
He's still giggling about it.
Hey, man. Pervert love is still love.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 04:31 am (UTC)But um, I was never actually skeletal-skinny, just Not Fat By Any Standard Except My Mothers. And now I am a dodgy size twelve and she is still very unhappy with me. This is one of the reasons why I live in the US with the perverts and not in Poland.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 12:07 pm (UTC)Katy's 5' 10" and was 140 in high school, and also had anemia, exercise-induced asthmatic issues, various other health issues, and insisted on running cross country even though it would make her pass out. She wasn't a skeleton, exactly, but she was damn skinny. What weight she had was muscle.
But then, her frame is pretty large. I think she's 150 now and she looks damn good in a bikini. (I am not at all lifelongly-jealous of my longer-limbed athletic older sister. Nooo.)
> in the US with the perverts
:D
I like the perverts.