Hmm.

[dragonlady7]

First, a silly quiz about the deadly sins. How cute.

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Gluttony: 20%

Greed: 20%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 20%

You'll die from overexertion. *wink*

How Sinful Are You?

tyellas had (besides the quiz above) a link to this essay about bisexuality in her journal and it made me think about it again.
It's an interesting read, and made me ponder things I hadn't really pondered since, well, a while now.

But the whole thing has always annoyed me, how people absolutely need to put you into a category especially when it comes to sexual identity-- when I really don't think that's the most important part of an identity.


I've actually really never wanted to identify myself with any Identity grouping. I have said time and time again that all it boils down to for me is that the first thing I look for in a partner is not which set of genitalia they possess. There are other things that are far more important to me, and primary among them is conversation.
Even the partners I have had whom I did not love, and with whom my relationship was primarily sexual, I had sex with because I enjoyed at least aspects of their personalities. I have never so much as felt the urge to have sex with someone who didn't at least amuse me in conversation. I haven't had all that many partners, and confess that I don't really know how to talk to women, so I'm not terribly good or experienced at the lesbian thing. But I've had two relationships I'd define as successful-- that is, lasting longer than a year.
The first one was my first relationship at all, and was with a woman. She'd never been in a relationship before either. And the relationship was based on the fact that we had almost everything in common. We liked the same songs, we liked the same jokes, I thought she was the most charismatic and amusing and charming person I'd ever met, and she found me irresistible for whatever reason. We spent a year inseparable and blissfully happy, and I still primarily blame geography for the eventual breakup: we then spent another most-of-a-year several thousand miles apart and miserable before I told her it was best we stopped pretending we had a sexual relationship when we quite obviously didn't. (You can't have phone sex at a dollar a minute, not in college. And she had no Internet, and we're both terrible letter writers. I needed someone to actually be in my life, or at least not to be constantly yearning for someone who wasn't.)
Does it make my relationship with her less true to know that I am now perfectly happy as a monogamous heterosexual? Does it mean, as she tearfully said when I got my first boyfriend (who, I might mention, was a disaster), that I was "straight all along"? (It was a doubt she'd always had when I refused to proclaim myself a lesbian and forswear any curiosity about the opposite sex.)

One can't say that one doesn't believe that sexuality is all that hard-and-fast, for fear of undermining the precious and fragile gay rights movement. And one can't say that desire is changeable without coming across as wishy-washy.

And one can't say that one loves primarily based upon personality and conversation rather than sexual organs, because one will simply not be believed.

My boyfriend of now and I met through a friend, spoke for several hours one night, and then e-mailed for months. Most of our getting to know one another was done through written words. I love Dave's sense of humor, I love his sarcasm and dry wit, I love his ridiculous ability to be a noodge about anything. I also love his strong, delicate hands, the curve between his hip and his waist, his shallow belly button, the spot where his neck meets his jaw. There are things I love about him that are characteristically male, from his frustrating (to me) aptitude with hand tools to his, well, I'm trying not to be crude, and probably don't need to go on.
But that doesn't mean I love him because he is male.

Of course in conversations with various groups of friends it has come out that I have had a relationship with a woman and have said I would do so again. And of course, all Dave's male friends say, "that's hot!" and he's like, "yeah, you could sleep with a woman, but only if I got to watch!" etc. And that's pretty much the understanding of female bisexuality. Usually, it's something that "straight" women (and by using that term in quotes, I mean women for whom sex with men defines them in society; many of these women have never really given any thought to their own sexual desires) put on at parties, making out with one another to attract the attention of men. Or it's something that wishy-washy people adopt to make themselves seem more mysterious, and also so they can have more sex. (And again, sex is for them something that increases their status in society rather than being primarily about satisfying their desires.) And so a bisexual is, in the minds of most, a particularly voracious slut of a rather predatorily undecided nature.

What really bothers me about the term is that there are at least two partners already implied in it. By the nature of the term it is impossible to be bisexual and monogamous. Certainly it is assumed that you can't have married your high school sweetheart; how could you know you're bisexual if you'd never slept around? Forget that most straight or gay couples aren't formed out of up-till-then virgins; their past sexual exploits are, if not ignored, at least not actually mentioned in the label applied to them.

All of which means I'm not particularly brave in Standing For Anything and really prefer not to have labels applied to me, because for the most part, they're irrelevant. I'm not anything, at the moment, except Dave's girlfriend. The fact that he and I can girlwatch together is relatively meaningless; I don't have any serious intentions because one relationship is really plenty for me. I've been in one open relationship and it was just distracting: I wasn't interested in anyone else, and he kept tiptoeing around how to tell me things I didn't really care that much about, and I thought the whole mess rather too complicated. It would be nice if the world were a tidier place, but it isn't, so I think monogamy my best course. But don't quote me on that. I am not an expert on myself. All I know is where I am at the moment, and that I only know on a good day.

Not that I'm wishy-washy. Not that I'm undecided. Not that I'm going to "switch allegiances" at the next opportunity. It is not dangerous to be undefined.
Is it?


Of course, it may just be that I'm biased by my own experiences, and can't understand the pain of those who've struggled until they've found their Identity. Perhaps not everyone is as laid back about it as I am. And certainly I am fortunate to live in a world where I can feel free to explore my desires. But I wish people would stop being so all-fired bent on putting a label on each other and themselves. Really, does it matter what I look for in a sexual partner to anyone but prospective sexual partners?

Comments

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Thing is, I think some (most?) people really truly are het or gay, and for them (esp the gay ones) the realization of this comes like a bolt of lightning, and the admission is very satisfying on a personal level. And so they want the rest of us to have this delightful experience, too.

Sigh.

Perhaps me should Identify ourselves as Humoursexuals, or Conversationsexuals. Although in my case I think it's more complicated than that: I know objectively attractive people of both genders who give great conversation and whom I love--on a purely platonic level. And I get crushes on people before I've even heard their conversation. It's all rather odd.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I think only some people are so strongly set in their sexuality, but it's far easier to think of it that way, and so it's a compelling way to think about it. Many people are probably sort of bi but go through their whole lives without ever developing a crush on one sex. I have had several heterosexual women (including the most conventionally heterosexual of my siblings) admit to me that they'd occasionally found other women attractive but had never acted on it, and I think in several of their cases, were societal pressures not such a factor, and if the right connection had developed, they'd certainly have acted on those attractions. Such is life-- it's a lot more than just pure appetite that defines who we love sexually or not.

Some people do find it a great realization when it strikes them that they're attracted to their own sex, and I don't mean to downplay their discovery of self and all, but some of us just never understand ourselves that well.

I actually am not-very-sexual. I very rarely find someone I'm sexually interested in. I get intellectual crushes on people sometimes, where I just think that they're fascinating and can't get enough conversation with them, but that's not sexual.
But I can't develop a physical/sexual attraction for someone without the intellectual crush happening first, I think.
Well, maybe i could-- it's just never happened. (Well, there was one time in college, this boy walked past, and he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. not even my usual type-- he was slender but well-muscled, biracial, with dreadlocks and sort of pale-brown skin and a lovely face, and I actually turned my head and stared after him and was like 'Yow' and he noticed and grinned at me. he must get that a lot. But that is the singular only time in my life that's ever happened.)

And it's not that they have to be scintillating conversationalists, it's just that they have to amuse me. I totally crushed on this one idiot for like a year who was all superficial wit but for some reason fascinated me.

But I think I'm kind of a people-sexual.

[You know, my whole life i thought I hated people, but I've recently discovered, what with the people-skills job and all, that I totally dig other humans. it's been a very weird discovery. I should have more friends or something. :D Obviously my self-analysis is not great.]

I hope that with the increasing acceptance of homosexuality in our society more people can feel freer to explore their sexual feelings without being required to put on a big old I'm Gay label. That was what bothered me about my one lesbian relationship, that everybody wanted me to put on a big I'm Gay label and be all happy about it. No, I would argue: I love this girl, but that doesn't mean I love all girls.
Le sigh.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I get physical crushes on people (of both genders) with reasonable frequency, I think. It there's no physical component involved, I'm not sure I would call them crushes: more like the beginings of a beautiful friendship. I think most situations like that have been mutual for me. The physical crushes can be very annoying when I actually dislike the person. Then it's like, "Shut up! Shut up! Just sit there and look pretty!"

Um yes. Am shallow horndog type person. Fortunately I am not contributing to the bad reputation of bi people as I don't sleep around all that much; sleeping with someone with whom I don't feel an emotional connection lost all its interest for me after my first two or three experiences.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about crushes/friendships, but I get them only rarely. Possibly because my social circle is always so very small-- I don't socialize nearly enough. Insofar as having crushes on people I don't like, I think it's more that I tend to be fascinated with people whether or not they merit it, and so hence my first boyfriend, with whom I was somewhat obsessed for like a year, before finally dating him for maybe a month and realizing that he was really not worth all that attention and was indeed not even a remotely likable person. I made a lot of friends through him, though, so I guess it was worth it from that point of view. I just wish I could have that year of my attention back.

Shut up!
Reminds me of an acquaintance once, who hushed one of his friends with, "Sh! You're prettier that way." It was so funny it got repeated for years. I've been waiting for a chance to use it ever since but I'm not the sort of person to whom that kind of witticism occurs in a timely fashion.

horndog
I just think that word is immensely amusing.

sleeping with someone with whom I don't feel an emotional connection

Eh. I don't know yet if I'm beyond that phase. Sometimes it's just nice to remember that you are still a sexual being... The last time I had meaningless sex, I thught it was pretty darn nice to be reminded that I had functional powers of attraction. Being as how I'm generally pretty socially limited, I tend to go through long dry spells if I'm not in a relationship.

Well, but that's probably because I don't sleep with anyone who doesn't fascinate me at all-- thinking on it, even the 'meaningless' sex has been with people who I was at least fleetingly fascinated by, and it was only meaningless because a) they didn't return the sentiment, and b) they weren't really worth the sentiment. But at least I wasn't at any point deluded into thinking that it meant anything.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I meant people for whom I feel nothing other than that they're pretty. It's kind of like using a lifesize sex toy. A sex toy with emotional issues.

I find that flirting reminds me of my powers of attraction well enough, even during a dry spell. Don't people flirt with you at work?

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I seem to find a lot of people vaguely pretty , but only the ones that are funny attract me enough to sleep with. Also, unless I'm fascinated with them, they don't usually find me interesting enough to sleep with. I'm not hot enough to attract someone who's just pretty, I don't think.

>flirting

I didn't used to get flirted with much, so I didn't know how to deal with it. I get flirted with a bit at work, but mostly by people who either creep me out or are obviously unserious. I am, however, not a very good flirt, and so it never goes far even with the cute ones.
I should get a job in a nightclub or something where there are more cute ones. :p But my powers of attraction are Magic Powers Of Attraction, that seem to only attract the sort I am not interested in. (case in point: today a customer was flirting with me, and his friend commented, "Well, at least she's of legal age," meaning me, as if this were different from the norm.)
So no, while I enjoy flirting, it doesn't do all that much for me, as I seem to lack the requisite skills and, well, attractiveness.

*reads over comment* OK, I think my nap didn't do much for my self-esteem, but at least now I'm cranky but my eyes don't hurt. (The royal we are looking on the bright side.)

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I think one of the great things about flirting is that it *is* sort of unserious and open to many interpretations. Talking in a friendly manner can qualify as flirting if there's a certain vibe in the air.

And you definitely need to take another self-esteem nap, or something. You seem plenty cute enough to successfully flirt with people.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

>open to many interpretations

I suppose you're right. I'm not so good at the interpreting.

> plenty cute enough

Is that flirting??!!
*blushes, giggles*
Gosh. Er, what's your sign?

*has flirting skills of wooden post*

[tehta.livejournal.com]

No, that's fact! I would never flirt with anyone in a committed relationship!

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Dang.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Unless they were in a committed relationship with me, that is. (Smacks head.)

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Hee. That would be a rather upsetting limitation to have to get around, otherwise...