hm.

[dragonlady7]

So, today, as my last paycheck's deposit has gone through, I'm sitting down and paying bills until my account's wiped out. I just figure it's time to stop putting it off. I can't pay them all, but I can pay the ones that claim they'll do dire things to me first and hopefully by the time I run out of money I'll have covered all of those.
Hopefully.

jennyo had a post about how the recent loss of her car has affected her and I read it and thought, "yes"-- I've been dependent ever since I gave up my car in early 2003 and I was so excited when I got the car again this past summer, and it was really upsetting to lose it again. I was reading the auto classifieds at work yesterday, somewhat idly, and it made me disgruntled. I am not by nature a proactive person and having to think so damn hard every time I want to leave the house makes me just... not leave the house. And by this point it's two years of that, so I'm well on my way to hermithood which was already an ingrained character trait and is now habit of thought as well. But cars are so ludicrously expensive, even used. I don't consciously want one-- I don't want the responsibility and I feel I can't justify the expense. But on the other hand, the fact that I am actually embracing my hermit tendencies makes me feel like I ought to do something about it and reclaim what slender grasp on independence and membership in society I ever had. And yet, being part of society would require that I convince other humans I'm also human, and that's always difficult for me.
Sigh.
Step One toward being Crazy Cat Lady: Check.
(Er, more like Step Twenty or so-- this has been a steady progression since pretty much the day I was born.)

Work was dumb, and the Manager guy (as opposed to the supervisors) managed to thoroughly piss me off by the sheer quantity of utterly unwarranted bullshit that came out of his mouth. When he couldn't complain that my tables weren't clean (because I'd scrubbed them again because I work harder than most people), he complained that the standup menus weren't all in symmetrical locations. I actually said "You're kidding, right?" Sadly, he wasn't. It pissed me off so much I was angry the rest of the day. I made out ok money-wise, though most of it was credit cards which doesn't help me much until the paycheck comes through, but I was just so irritated by his incompetent management that it made my teeth hurt. I suppose the bright side is that he rarely bothers coming around to my unit to see how I'm doing, so I rarely have to deal with it. I do have a lot of autonomy. That's good, I guess. Better than many jobs I've had.

I'm rewriting the early G/E fanfiction I'd posted on treigylgweith, and that's sort of rewarding and depressing because only now can I see how bad the first draft actually was, but I feel better about the next one.

I'm also really embarrassed that not one person has commented on my earlier entry where I did that meme where I offered to write people drabbles. Shit, not one. Would it be vain of me to delete that entry so that it's not there in my archives later so I can forget that I am quite that lame? Or is it more honest of me to leave it up as a monument to my own lameness? I mean... Not one. Embarrassing. On the one hand, a journal is, like, a record of a life, but on the other hand, we're usually allowed to edit ourselves to present some kind of coherent face to the world... I remain conflicted over this, and deep down inside I don't really feel that I quite need any more monuments of my lameness, as I am lame enough in an ongoing sort of way. *wanders off muttering about it*

Comments

[gyen-gaoltosing.livejournal.com]

I'm also really embarrassed that not one person has commented on my earlier entry where I did that meme where I offered to write people drabbles. Shit, not one. Would it be vain of me to delete that entry so that it's not there in my archives later so I can forget that I am quite that lame?

That’s cool if you delete it, but there is no lameness to begin with. :) I thought about responding, but it’s a difficult meme--I mean, I’ve been following the Viking Novel since you started posting for revisions, but I don’t think I could write a proper drabble of it. And I think the only stuff of mine you’ve read has been the dreck I've produced for y_tu_teithad... It’s a weird meme--I wouldn’t stress that no one responded.

And anyway, I stole a meme from you a while ago, posted it (http://www.livejournal.com/users/gyen_gaoltosing/19035.html), and got no responses either. I felt a little lame at first, but then again, LJ folk just aren’t terribly familiar with my writing in the first place.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

... ? Huh? The meme is that you ask me to write a drabble, and I write it.
And then I get to ask you to write a drabble in return, but on a fandom of your choice-- you get to specify what you'll write.
So you wouldn't have to write anything about anything I'd written.
...

I'm embarrassed because it's kind of arrogant to post something like that assuming that somebody *wants* you to write them stuff. And that's why I'm thinking of taking it down, because I don't really want to be scrolling through my archives at some future date and be reminded that I thought people would want me to assail them with drabbles.

I don't think I know enough about your writing that I thought to ask any questions. I don't remember the meme, really, or whether anybody asked me things...
Nobody's posted much on YTTT in a while, and I'm disappointed, because I was enjoying reading people's exercises, but the exercises aren't really working for me-- really the weaknesses in my writing are more in structure and discipline, and writing about cliches is moderately irrelevant to that, but I'm really surprised that nobody else is interested in the exercises either. I did like what you posted there, but no, I really haven't read anything else of yours-- do you have anything online, or do you keep your stuff offline?

Man, I should just get all my friends to post links to anywhere any of their writings are archived online-- it took me months to realize that applegnat was earmire on HASA, for example, and I know there are others whose stuff I still haven't tracked down.

But, you know, I'm not exactly in an ambitious or mentally-competent (or even, for that matter, non-self-loathing) mood, given how large this pile of bills is and how small my pile of money is. Probably not a day to embark upon anything ambitious.

[gyen-gaoltosing.livejournal.com]

... ? Huh? The meme is that you ask me to write a drabble, and I write it.
And then I get to ask you to write a drabble in return, but on a fandom of your choice-- you get to specify what you'll write.

Ohhhh, okay, I get it. Sorry--when first I read it, I thought you choose which of *your* works that you want us to write drabbles for and vice versa. That’s why I was like, uh...

but I'm really surprised that nobody else is interested in the exercises either.

I just figured people have been busy. That’s certainly been my problem, more than anything else.

- do you have anything online, or do you keep your stuff offline?

A while back, not very long after I started my LJ, I found out that any original fiction you post to LJ that you don’t friends-lock potentially amounts to the loss of first rights when you try to publish that work. That made me really paranoid, and especially given all the weirdness with feedster.com and other such entities, I’ve not really posted much of anything. (...which sucks, because that’s partially why I started an LJ in the first place.) The most recent thing of late has been this short story. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/gyen_gaoltosing/16557.html) I’m working on a couple of other things right now that I might post, but I haven’t decided.

But, you know, I'm not exactly in an ambitious or mentally-competent (or even, for that matter, non-self-loathing) mood, given how large this pile of bills is and how small my pile of money is.

How ‘bout it?! I’m right there with you, if that makes you feel any better.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

The publishing rights stuff-- nobody's got a consistent policy on that. Hence treigylgweith being f-locked, and all the Vikings Novel chapters being f-locked.
Feedster.com, by the way, can't get your f-locked entries. All it does is compile a massive central list of RSS feeds, including all MT blogs and LJ blogs and most Blogger blogs.



But otherwise?

I dunno if misery really loves company, but it's true that misery, while not alleviated by being told it's not alone, does feel a bit less uniquely retarded to know that other people also experience it.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

IIRC, that meme ends with "then post this in your own LJ." I really really really do not want to be writing random drabbles, as I have no time. I would guess others feel the same.

I've never owned a car. I guess living in places with decent public transport has really helped there. That, and the fact that the ad that says "on the road of life there are passengers and there are drivers" always makes me think I am a passenger. Driving in the city is a conscious activity for me: I can't drive and think at the same time. I can walk and think. I can sit on the bus and read.

Have been thibking about getting a bike, though.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I guess you're right about that last bit of the meme. I tend to ignore those bits anyway. Meh, the whole thing's stupid, and I'm going to stop whining about it. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a tool. However, that's more of a general feeling than anything in particular.


cars: I had a car for two years, and the responsibility irked me. But I did get out sometimes. I went places, on my own. I did things just because I wanted to. And I got to see my goddamn family once every few months.
Now I don't. I have been wanting to go find a coffee shop or something to post my little flier about starting a writing group for what, four months now? Five? I haven't even so much as gone to a coffee shop.
And it's not that I can't borrow the car from Dave, I just don't. And it's not-- I don't know, it's stupid in general, but there are a lot of things I can't do if there is the tiniest obstacle in the way, and any of my attempts to Turn My Life Around are realistically going to have to start with removing tiny little obstacles. My largest 'tiny little obstacle' is that i cannot articulate my desires to others because I am afraid they will make fun of me. (My mother refuses to accept that this has anything to do with the way she has ceaselessly ridiculed me my whole life.) Also, I am at my 'happiest' when inside my own space, except that I'm miserable never leaving the house. Also, I have absolutely no friends. Etcetera.
*flails incoherently*
I dunno, maybe it's just the way I am and having automotive independence wouldn't help, so I should suck it up and accept that unless I can make myself understand where to direct some sort of effort, nothing is ever ever going to change and I am going to spend my life in this room or another one like it. I do wish I had the self-analysis skills to figure out what my stupid deal is, though.

Bikes: i did get one. It's a nice bike. The entire time I am riding it I am imagining what would happen if I fell off of it. Maybe if I got some health insurance I could enjoy it. But I can't carry anything while on a bicycle, so I can't even ride it to the grocery store... So it hasn't helped me much. The concept is a good one, though-- wheels do move faster than feet.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I do my grocery shopping on foot with my small backpack, but when I had a bike I used a bike basket. Then the bike got stolen. Oh well.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. Changing one's life is always hard, for everyone. How about making a list of Things You Want To Do (small things, like going to a coffee shop) and making a point of doing one a week? Crossing things off a list can be v. satisfying.

[lorelei-sakti.livejournal.com]

I would've offered to join in on the drabbleness, but then I would've had to post it in my journal, and then other people might ask me to write them drabbles, and then it might go on forever and ever.....:0

[jennnlee.livejournal.com]

I still owe you a drabble, and I was going to ask you to write me one. But the topics you posted were really limited, if I recall: pretty much just LOTR (which I'm not that into lately), Silm (which I haven't read), and your original stuff (which I've read some of, but not enough to have a drabble request in mind). So I didn't really have anything to choose from. I don't think it was any kind of comment on your (perceived) lameness, maybe just more a reflection of how exclusive you are in your writing? :-)

Anyhow, it's just a meme. I only had a couple requests myself, and thought I was going to get more. Ah well. C'est la vie.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Hm, I never got a notification of this comment.

No, you're right. It seemed far more like it would be somewhat popular or interesting, and looking it over, it's not actually very well-suited to me. I'm not active in any fandoms besides LotR; I'm just not really a fanfic person. (I haven't owned a TV in years so that cuts out a large number of the fandoms people are interested in.) And yeah, many people on my flist are more popular writers than I am and are right to think that people might actually respond to it if they posted it.

But I'd decided not to think about it anymore, so, I'm not. :)

You can take your time with your drabble. It's OK. If you're working on a chapter I'd rather read that!

[jennnlee.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the lack of fic writing. I don't really do it myself anymore, although I tossed up a few fandoms that I figured I could get 100 words written in if I needed to. But as it turned out, two of the three requests I got were for my original thing anyway. And I know what you mean, I'm not a popular writer either, and nothing drives that home more than a meme like that.

I did put up a chapter last weekend, didn't know if you knew that. And have a good line on getting the rest of it done...

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I think I missed the chapter last weekend. Now that you remind me, I remember you saying so. But at the time I missed it. :)
I did read the email with your mom-- very good info. My sister, oddly enough, just wrote me a letter from Iraq about how she misses going and wandering in the cemetery near our university, and how she was talking with a coworker about how she loves cemeteries, and her coworker thought her nuts. (The coworker, to be fair, had to endure a lot of hellish PT jogs through Arlington National, so has far less pleasant interactions with cemeteries...)

Well, good. I shall look forward to more, and shall read what's up when I get a chance. :)