I went there WITH MONEY and they WOULDN'T TAKE IT.

[dragonlady7]

Jesus Christ. There are no pants in the mall.

Can anyone, anyone who understands malls and department stores, tell me, WHERE DOES ONE FIND PANTS???

I want pants that are:
Black.
Normal length.
Normal fit. (Like, not up-to-boobs Mom Jeans fit, but not shows-ass-crack Low Fit either. Just... Normal.)
Have pockets. (Like, at least pockets on the side. Ass pockets helpful. Cargo pockets: Bonus!)
Straight leg. Maybe a little flared. I don't care. Just not elephant feet. I don't need to trip all the time.
Size 14. Definitely, regular, normal size 14. Nothing weird. Just, size 14.

Mmm, I think that's it. That was all I wanted. And I got? NOTHING.

NONE. NONE in Old Navy, none in J.C. Penney, none in Kaufmann's, none in Gap, none in the half-dozen Abercrombie-or-knockoffs (is it just me or do you totally expect a surfer orgy to start at any moment in the inexplicable poorly-lit nooks of Hollister? Also, Red Hot Chili Peppers are cool, but not when played so loud you can't ask the salesperson a question because they can't hear you.), none in Sears, none ANYWHERE.
I spent ALL MORNING Out Shopping and have come home having bought:
* three hot dogs
* two ice cream sundaes
* a tank of gas

That's it. I had money, I wanted to give it to them, they didn't have anything to give me in return for the money. So I didn't give it to them, because I need pants and can't afford to just give people money and not get pants. So now I have to go to work next week with pants that have no pockets and are falling down my ass. This is MOST ANNOYING. I was ready to deck the counter girl at Kauffman's.


The good news is that I've confirmed that according to the standards of everyone I am definitely a real live normal size 14. Everyone agrees.

So I'm going to go buy some fucking pants online. Shopping in real stores is fucking ridiculous. Three times I asked department store employees: "I am looking for pants. Where do I find pants? Or, a map of the store? Is there a map of the store?"
The answer was invariably, "Well... what kind of pants? (No, why would we have a map of the store? There are fifty places within the store where we keep pants, and none of them are labeled.)" [For serious: Kaufman's had all their clothes filed under "Petite Sportswear", "Moderate Sportswear", "Better Sportswear". What the fuck does that mean? It wasn't sportswear, it was like flowery dresses and shit. And the only word there that has anything to do with clothes is "petite". What the fuck were they talking about?]
"Black ones. Like I could wear to work. Reasonable and normal black pants, that go from my waist to my ankles. Preferably with pockets somewhere in between."
"Misses or women's?"
"I... I am a woman, I suppose, who hasn't missed anything lately... A size 14. I don't know if that makes me a woman or a miss or a, what, a hit? Do you have any pants in a size 14? Black pants? Just plain normal black pants?"
In short, the answer was No. They didn't.

I tried on a pair of black leather pants in Wilson's and thought I looked really foxy. Dave's comment was simply, "Meh."
And then he went on for an hour about how he someday hopes to have more money than sense, and also a motorcycle.
But I looked foxy in those pants, I will have you know.

I almost succeeded in buying Dave a new pair of shorts that isn't actually ragged, but "his size" was too large on him, and was the smallest size they offered. I considered looking in the kids' department and decided against it. We don't need Dave in madras Short Shorts.

Fuck retail, man. i am never going into a mall again without a guide of some sort.
I used to think I couldn't find anything because i was too fat, but now that excuse is gone. Now I don't know why I can't find anything. I need to make friends with, like, a woman or something, because women know where to find things in malls. Fiona! Where are you?

Comments

A quick tutorial

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Misses is the odd sizes (11, 13, 15) and is designed for kids-slash-teenagers. The cut and the style is Average Whore, in my mind, but I believe they call it "today's teen fasions."

So. You are a women's size 14, not a misses size whatever.

As for the flared bellbottom-lile pants: that's the style today. You can't escape it. The pockets issue: also style. You can find small pockets, or no pockets, but not regular pockets in women's slacks. The best plan is to buy men's pants. I'm serious. They have exactly what you're looking for, and once you figure out what your size is in their measurements, you're golden. I buy black men's slacks because I get pockets and normal leg-endings.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Ah, but "women's" is also often a euphenism for "overweight." Tragically, many department stores think that this begins around size twelve.

I like men's jeans because I can choose my leg length, but I have the problem that if the pants fit my hips, they are huge around the waist, so they end up sliding down and being lowriders anyway.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Even if the dept store thinks you're overweight at size 12, the point is that misses is not even sizes. It's odds--13, 15, etc.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I wasn't disagreeing with you, I was just saying that "women" has a specialized meaning, just like "misses" does--and that in some stores her 'even' size could be under women's. (Even though that seems ridiculous to me.)

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Women's does indeed mean "plus sizes" usually. Generally, sizes above 12. I think 14 is the cutoff for most stores. Fourteen is definitely the largest size carried at Aeropostale-AmericanEagle-Hollister-Abercrombie; it's the largest at Express or Gap, and is the largest at places like Hot Topic as well. (And it's hard to find them.)
But Old Navy? The largest now is size 22. And they even stock them.
Which is why I have loyally shopped at Old Navy for years now even though their clothes fall apart after about twelve washings. Yes, they're cheap, but they fit me, I can always find my size, and they DON'T SEGREGATE. If you want pants, they're filed under "pants", and all the sizes are together. I support that business model. The store MAKES SENSE.

I have a feeling that Kaufmann's was attempting to further euphemize the Plus sizes beyond recognition with its "petite", "moderate", "better" labels-- which enrages me. If you can't pick a reasonable term for it that actually means what it means... I mean, is being a larger size something so horriffic we can't speak its name? Jeez.

And yes-- men's pants are, unfortunately, designed for men, who are shaped differently from women.
(Dave would actually be better suited in shape for women's pants-- he is so underweight that his hipbones protrude, giving him somewhat of an hourglass figure. [It would be creepy but I'm used to it by now. Yes, he went to visit a gastroenterologist for heartburn problems and the doctor took one look and assumed he was dying of some rare condition where he couldn't eat. "Er... actually I'm fine..."] But in women's clothes, we figured it out, and he's a six-foot-three size 4. And would look ridiculous.)

Re: A quick tutorial

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Mmmm... whores.
I mean! Um! Uh...

The tragedy is that I HAD ok pants. They were straight-leg cargo pants from Old Navy. I should've stocked up. O.N. doesn't carry them anymore.

I don't mind flares. I just mind the really wide leg ones. The one pair of pants I almost liked were Gap, and the "regular fit" "medium length" version had flares that came down and covered my chunky-heeled shoes entirely.
Um, I wear sneakers at work. So i'd fall over those.
my other pants? Reegular flares. I'm ok with them...

Why on earth is Misses odd sizes? What the hell? So size 11 is Miss, size 12 Women's, size 13 Misses-- are you expected to run between sections to look for them?
So stupid.


Men's slacks are nice, and I do buy them sometimes, but I have actual hips and they look like shit on me usually. Ugh.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I tend to buy Normal Black Pants at Nine West. However, the main reason I go there is because their longs are actually long enough for me. (My problem with buying pants is that I am tall with a rather high waist, so that even the Tall pants are a bit dodgy sometimes.)

Although actually I buy most of my clothes either in Filene's Basement (a fabulous discount store) or in second-hand shops, since I still have my old grad student budgeting habits.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

You'll all think I'm crazy, but the best place for normal-looking slacks is Wal-Mart. That's where I go. It's great.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I thought Nine West was just shoes...
*confusion*

I am actually, I think, the only person in my family who doesn't need extra-long pants. :( (Mom is 5' 11"; Katy 5' 10", both very long-legged... Me, I'm the short fat one. Bleah.)

Mom and Dave both have pretty good luck with Land's End, I think-- they offer really long pants. Unfortunately, they've got pretty much diddly that's reasonably fashionable if you're under 40.

I've heard of Filene's Basement.
Ohh... second-hand shops... I might try a few of those. Now that I'm a real size.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I just checked the tag on my pants and they're definitely Nine West. I believe they have a clothing section at the Boston Macy's.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I have also been known to make my own pants. (Grandma was a seamstress, and I can handle patterns that do not involve intricate pleats or anything.)

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I wish I could sew. I have an antique sewing machine in the attic... But the last thing I tried to sew was a simple sheath dress and I never managed to finish it.

It took me three tries just now to spell sew. I never though about what a weird word it was.

Macy's... You know, they're not even in Western New York at all??? No fooling-- the nearest one is, I think, Philadelphia or somesuch nonsense. Pff.

Wait, that's the other comment. *loses train of thought*
Right. Bed.

[eggplantia5.livejournal.com]

i went on a similar pant buying expedition last week. had money. wanted to give it. was willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money. could not find a decent pair of pants. went home, sad, discouraged, with that hole in my pants not getting any smaller.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I RAGE against these people who WON'T SELL ME THINGS I NEED!! Argh. ARGH!

[amyjessica.livejournal.com]

I don't know what kind of stores you have around your place, but I shop for jeans and pants at Fleet Farm. Yeah, it's a farm supply store, and it's got concrete floors and smells like tires most of the time, but they carry eight different brands of women's jeans and pants, in a wide array of sizes (including my 20 Talls.) They're also considerably cheaper than the dept. stores, sometimes by as much as ten dollars a pair.

I gave up on the mall about a decade ago, and it's been the most stress-free, pleasant ten years of my life. :-)

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

That sounds like an awesome place which, sadly, has no business existing around here. (Although there's some very productive dairy, corn, and apple farming land just southeast of here, so it wouldn't be entirely out of place.) No, we have nothing so practical as all that.

I have *always* resented the mall.