(no subject)

[dragonlady7]

Got an email from my mom. Her only brother, my uncle, my godfather, was recently diagnosed with cancer. Today, he tells her, they told him it is incurable.

I am sure the doctors did not use that word. I am sure they said "inoperable", as it is not only in his lungs, but also in his bones, and a few other places. I know enough about cancer to know what that means. It cannot be removed by an operation. That does not mean it is "incurable", simply that the prognosis is bad, and there is unlikely to be a good long-term outcome.

They gave him a year to live, and have prescribed him chemo. My mother, in some anguish but with her typical dryly pragmatic mode of self-expression, said she doesn't understand why they'd put him through the "torture of chemotherapy" if it's incurable.

He is about sixty, and suffers from depression, and alcoholism, and being a closeted homosexual for most of his life with an older partner who won't acknowledge him in public because men of his generation don't talk about such things, and being the little brother of my mother who I admit with love is an overachieving insensitive clod. (I have, let's just say, a lot in common with my uncle.)

And I don't really know what to feel. I really don't. I don't know what to do. I don't know what kind of help I can offer him, or my mother. I just don't know what to do. That's all, I don't have a witty closing phrase here.

Comments

[besina-sartor.livejournal.com]

There really is nothing that you're supposed to do, feel or think. Just be yourself, and if you enjoy time around your uncle, then share some more time with him. If there is something you can do for him, then do it, otherwise just being there is enough. Trust me, so many other people will feel like they have to walk on eggshells around him, he'll enjoy having someone around who can just be themselves. Good luck to you and your uncle. :)

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

It's all complicated by how geographically dispersed my family is. Which I think is funny; all these people with conflicted relationships with their families see them every week, while my family is very close but see one another twice a year in a good year. I'm the only one who still lives in the same state, so I've already said I'll make sure I visit him; it's just not possible for my sisters, who live in Georgia, Illinois, and Colorado. (I'm in New York, but at the opposite end of it.)

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

I would say, if you like him, go and visit while you have the opportunity, and just do whatever normal things you would do with him. He'll probably appreciate being distracted, and you won't regret not having done it.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I do plan on visiting... it's just difficult, as I live 300 miles away, and am the closest of his nieces geographically speaking. In a good year I see him three times, and this year I've already seen him twice. He was supposed to visit me this month, something he's only ever done once before in my adult life, but I don't know if that's still on, so I'll have to call him anyway...

[spacellama.livejournal.com]

Is he near enough you could visit? I'm sure he's scared. *hugs*

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Not easily; it's a 300-mile drive. I'll figure out when I can go visit, though.

[kittyc1978.livejournal.com]

Showing your concern for him is probably the best thing you can do. You and your sisters are probably the closest thing to children that he has right? Send him a care package of cookies and stuff to let him know you're thinking of him. Let him know also that he has people praying for him.

As far as your mom goes, just keep talking with her. She'll process this through her interactions with people she trusts. I doubt my mom would talk to me about her grief. That's a sweet connection you have.

And I'm here if you need to talk. My phone number is available to my friends on FB. :D

Lots of love,
Kel

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

My older sister just sent him a care package yesterday. I'll have to get off my tush and send one; I sent him something in a package I sent my mother recently, but it was just one small thing.
My mom is such a curmudgeon, I don't know how she'll react. They've never gotten along but she cares for him a lot. He accidentally pulled my hair at Thanksgiving a few years ago, forgetting that my mother no longer wears long blond braids, because for him, pulling her hair was such a reflex-- that's the kind of relationship they always had.

Aw, you're sweet. Thank you!

[forodwaith.livejournal.com]

It's tough -- it's always tough. Don't worry about what to feel, just let your self feel whatever. And ask him & your mom what you can do for them (if you think they'll answer honestly -- I know some people will say "nothing" even when they need something).

Wishing good wishes for your uncle & you & your whole family.