O Canada: a Scientific Appraisal

[dragonlady7]

I have been idly playing with Canadian immigration things this evening. I determined that I pass their test to immigrate as a Skilled Worker and Dave passes with flying colors.

I thought, what could be better than to assemble a thoroughly objective, scientific list of the pros and cons of Canada, our friendly neighbor to the North? So many are talking of relocating there, why don't I give them more of a real, fair and balanced picture of what it's like there?

I spent over an hour on it, and then my livejournal client crashed and it was completely deleted.
Oh no, wait, it wasn't. Dammit, I just spent another 45 minutes reconstructing it only to find out that it was actually posted.

Well, you get the double-composed one, then. It should be extra-good.

Whence comes my detailed knowledge of our friendly neighbor to the North, you ask? Well, I've been there a few times, but my main source was my boyfriend Dave, a lifelong (almost) Buffalo resident. "I always kinda figured Canada was a suburb of Buffalo," he said. "I mean, to the east there's Cheektowaga, to the south there's Lackawanna, to the north there's Tonawanda, and to the west? Canada. We used to go over there for Chinese food."

(Disclaimer: Tongue is in cheek. To Canadians: I do think Canada is awesome.)

Downsides to Living in Canada

• Having spent my whole life as an ardent American patriot, I would find it extremely upsetting to abandon my native country.


• Pop cans are smaller. (Actually, that might not be so bad. There's always just a little too much in the can.)


• Milk comes in bags, and that's weird.


• Except in an emergency, you'll NEVER see a doctor.


• Taxes will take like 90% of your income, especially once you factor in sales tax and the price of gas.


• The English lyrics, as compared to the English translation of the French lyrics, to O Canada? NOT THE SAME SONG. Oh my Lord, that's scary.


• Quebec. For the love of God, Quebec.


• The "Notwithstanding Clause." The legislature can pass legislation that is UNCONSTITUTIONAL, as long as they ACKNOWLEDGE in the legislation that this is the case.
  
• While gay marriage is legal in Canada, gay divorce is not. Ahh, the sweet smell of 20/20 hindsight...


• The weather sucks even more there than here. Yes, that is possible.


• Sometimes, lanes disappear, for no reason and without warning. They don't believe in those little signs in the US that warn you when a lane is going to go away. The lane just... goes away.


• I don't know if this happens anywhere but Toronto, but-- sometimes you look up, and there, right in your lane, is A TRAIN. Holy crap!


• The metric system. Ugh!


• Colour, honour, theatre, empathise, aluminium. You think it's the same language, but it's not.


• Canada's just weird, man. It just is. You're all comfortable, like you're at home, and then something just weird happens. It's like, the US, on some sort of British drug. Bizarre.


• You know, I don't know what the hell they're doing up there without hockey. I mean... What do you do with yourself in winter without hockey???


• They have pre-wrapped sausages, but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon. (Can you blame 'em? Well yeah!) [On reflection, perhaps the BareNaked Ladies belong in the "upsides" list, except that they'll never play Toronto on New Year's Eve, because the mayor of Toronto refused to let them play New Year's there back when they were first around, because their name was "indecent'.]


• You know, people, Canada has right-wing fucks as well. Not as many as we do, but then they don't have as many liberal nutjobs either. Ain't nowhere you can really go to get away from them.


• You will no longer be able to light-heartedly laugh at Canadians with equanimity. And light-heartedly laughing at Americans isn't really possible-- it's more a kind of light-hearted locking yourself in the bathroom and crying because they're fucking it all up for the rest of us. Sorry, that doesn't really change.


• Canadians have this reputation as being all mild-mannered and so on, and I will say that the ones I've known have been unfailingly polite-- but then, I nearly had my LEG taken off in a youth hostel in Edinborough when I made the mistake of mentioning that I was writing a paper on the extent to which US involvement in WWI was decisive. Oh Jeez. I barely made it out alive, having seen the little maple-leaf pin on the giant backpack just a little too late. (For the curious, I concluded that the American involvement was decisive, but perhaps that wasn't a good thing-- without bloody Wilson, Versailles wouldn't have happened, and without Versailles? Quite possibly, no Hitler. We are not new to fucking up in the international arena. You would think we would grow tired of being well-intentioned but entirely uninformed, but our memories are short.)


• Dollars and two dollars are COINS. Think how heavy your wallet would get. Man oh man, it sure does.

Upsides to Living in Canada

• Even without health insurance, you'll still get medical care in an emergency and won't have to file for bankruptcy afterwards. Also, if you're in a car crash and they have to remove your skull to save you, they'll PUT IT BACK ON AFTERWARDS. (I swear to God this really happened: an unemployed woman with no health insurance got creamed by a car, and to save her life they had to remove part of her skull. But, putting it back on wasn't an emergency, and she couldn't pay for it, so they DIDN'T, and she lived for MONTHS with her BRAIN in a PLASTIC HELMET, going quietly "slosh slosh" every time she moved. I can't find this in Google because I can't remember any identifying details, but I swear to you, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. As an uninsured, unemployed, broke person I find that TERRIFYING.)


• No football. Jesus, it's all they ever talk about here, and they never win. It's sooo depressing.


• Canadian bacon. Yes, it really is that good.


• The Beer Store.


• Beer. Yes, it really is that good.


• First crack at Tim Horton's new flavors. (We drove to Canada in August to try the new Toffee Glaze Donuts, and they were SOLD OUT. We were so upset. "We crossed international borders for this!" we said. "Sorry," they said, and seemed genuinely apologetic, in a long-o, SOH-ree, Torontonian Canadian kind of way.)


• That big blank space on the map to the north? That is GORGEOUS country. I mean, GORGEOUS like your heart falls out of your chest.


• Curling. I dont understand a bit of it, but man it's fascinating.


• You no longer have to cope with the pain of knowing that GWB was re-elected on your watch. Oh no wait-- you do. OK, well, you don't have to live daily with the consequences of his actions.
  Oh no wait-- you do.
  
  Well, shit.


• Poutine. Oh man, who knew french fries drenched in gravy and cheese curds could be so GOOD?


• George Bush isn't their, God help us, legitimately elected President.


• Canadian TV. Canadian TV is AWESOME. (example: CBC sportscaster, narrating a women's international skiing competition. The woman finishes the course, slides around and looks into the camera. "There is nothing quite as hot," the announcer says admiringly, "as a woman in full face gear." Later, of the freestyle competition, he said "It's no surprise that the Australians are doing well in this competition. As a general rule, Australians are pretty whacked." Bob Costas, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.)


• Three words: Government. Surplus. Marijuana. Put them together. Try it. Aww yeeahh.


• Potato chips come in flavors like "dill pickle" and "ketchup"-- which is more of a good thing than you'd think.


• The different-colored money makes sense.


• Bush isn't president. Or, to put it this way, Not-Bush is their Prime Minister. For some, that might be enough.

I report, you decide.

Comments

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

The different-colored money makes sense.

Ani quote!

I thought it was Fruvous, and then my brain was like, "No, a female voice said that!"

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

NO, Ani didn't say it!!!

Andy Stochansky did.

[forodwaith.livejournal.com]

Heh. Am working on a long ramble about Cdn/US differences as I see them - this is much funnier.

What do you do with yourself in winter without hockey???
Oh, there's hockey, just not NHL hockey. AHL, major juniors, plus all the recreational hockey that people actually, y'know, play. Dan has icetime twice a week.

Also, bad news: we have football here too, although of a slightly different flavour.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Oh good, I'm glad an actual Canadian was amused.

Actually, I did know about the CFL. I watched a game once on the CBC. But it's not the same. And Drew Bledsoe wasn't involved. ^.^

I wish I could skate. I'd totally play hockey. Me, I'm a monster at floor hockey. Especially in coed leagues because I'm heavier than I look and frat boys try to knock me down and BOUNCE OFF, haha ha ha ha!!!
But I can't find any floor hockey leagues, more's the pity. The only equipment i own is a left-handed hockey stick, which falls out of the hall closet every time I open it and gets me odd looks from people who only know me as the couch potato I am.

I like hockey because I know what's going on. With football, I only know what's going on because of how loud Dave's mom is shrieking. Though I'm never sure when it's good and when it's bad.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

p.s.
You know, people might appreciate something substantive rather than an evaluation of, well, admittedly superficial things.
So I look forward to your ramble. :)