bleats sadly

[dragonlady7]

More bleating about fanfiction in particular, and writing in general. Namely, support for writing.

Dave thinks it's stupid that I write fanfiction.
I told him I finished a story.
"Great," he said, a little too brightly, and I knew what was coming next. "Are you going to publish it?"
"Uh," I said. "Yes, I did."
"Really?" he said. "Where did you send it?" Still rather more cheerful than is his wont. So I know he's got the sarcasm dial turned up to 11.
"I published it on the Internet," I said. "It's fanfiction."
"So nobody's paying you for it," he said.
"... No," I answered. He knew that fine well. "But this is a big deal," I insisted. "I've never finished anything so big and so long before. You know how I start things and can't finish them. Well, I finished this one. I actually finished, and it's longer than anything I've ever finished. Finished."
"How long is it?" he asked.
"It's like 35,000 words," I said. "And did I mention, it's actually finished. No skeletal parts, no ellipses, nothing left out. There are more parts I could write but they'd be extras, really. Essentially, it's done."
"How many people have read it?" he asked a little sternly.
"Like four hundred and fifty," I answered truthfully (going by the stats counters on the website).
That got his attention. "The whole thing?" he asked.
"On average," I said. "I have a few more readers of the earlier chapters, and I only put the latest ones up today so not many have got to them yet, but really, a whole bunch of people have read it."
"Oh," he said, and the sarcasm sort of dimmed a little. He paused a moment, to recharge. "But will they pay you?"
"No," I said. "It's illegal. Fanfiction can't be sold."
"That ain't right," he said. "Aren't you contributing to society? Can't that be rewarded?"
"I am paid in encouragement, reviews, and critiques," I said, "so that I can improve my writing in general."
"Couldn't they pay you in, like, presents?" he asked. "Couldn't they send you food?"

Sigh.

I write fanfiction because I lack the skill, the self-esteem and conviction to write original stuff. Nobody reads my original stuff, I don't get any feedback on it, I become isolated from reality, it ends up going in a vicious cycle of obsession, and it winds up terrible. I've been writing fanfiction since January now and my writing has improved immensely because I'm finally learning to write for other people, not just myself. A lot of the selfishness and inward-looking incomprehensibility of my writing has faded away. Having actually finished a coherent self-contained story, I am thinking that perhaps I could make another stab at my original work, with more of an eye toward production. (Last time I focused on creativity and character development. Yeah, I got half a million words of total crap. This time I need to focus on themes and structure.)
I think I need to find some kind of writer's group for original fiction-- I know they must exist. But at least I have the positive experience of fanfiction under my belt. And at least I've done something. 35,000 words is by far the longest complete story I've ever told. That I've finished, and been happy with. I've written plenty of longer, incomplete manuscripts. I annually write a 50,000 word piece that I never finish. I've written 500,000-word stories I never finished. So finishing it was significant.

Regardless of Dave's sarcasm.

You know, I'd be more tolerant of his sarcasm if he were truly interested in what I write anyway. But he hates my original stuff. He can't stand it. He actively mocks it. I can't work in that kind of isolation. I literally didn't even have anyone to talk to about that goddamn novel. I didn't have any interested online friends (I didn't know many writers, at that point), and I had no offline friends to speak of (that I saw more than annually), except Dave, who disliked intensely everything I wrote.

I understand, that's how he is. He can't abide fantasy or science fiction; my eyes glaze over when he starts telling me how cool Jakarta struts are. I simply can't wrap my head around Java; he just can't get into sarcasm-free fantasy.

But I don't make fun of him when he spends three days playing with his butt in the name of 'professional development'. He can do what he wants, and I don't care if he gets paid. I like when he builds things I can use, but if he doesn't want to that's his business. He can do what interests him. He doesn't do any of it, anymore; he used to write applications for fun a lot more, but at this point when he's not in school he mostly just wants to sleep. Do I complain? Only in my blog, where I complain about every god-damn thing imaginable. I don't mock him to his face. In fact, I bring him pillows and glasses of water and sometimes make him tea. So there.

And I am making more money than him now, and have offered to pay the rent, so I really don't think he can complain about the activities I choose to pursue in the name of maintaining my sanity.

i dunno, I'm not angry, I'm just feeling a little wounded that he chose to be snarky. I haven't asked him for a whole lot of support. I certainly haven't tried to make him read any of the damn stuff. I cheer for him when he gets good grades. I even proofread his papers for him so he can be sure of good grades. I didn't think it'd be too much to ask that he be pleased that I had done something I felt proud of. He could say something nice and I wouldn't make him read it-- that's why I write fanfiction, because people will read it. Do you see how there's kind of a connection? When people read my writing, I get better at writing. When there is only Dave, I do not, because he doesn't. When i sit in a dark room writing for myself because nobody else in the world cares, I end up with bad things. And I go mostly crazy. And I don't do the dishes, or the laundry. And Dave is a saaad panda.

But there you have it. I'm wasting my life with this fanfic crap and none of it's any good unless I can sell it.

Comments

[jennnlee.livejournal.com]

Snark is bad. I've never understood why a spouse would want to mock something that brings you joy. I'm sorry that he's like that.

Writing is a lonely pursuit. It just is. I've been writing since I was 12, off and on, and it's just something that I do. But a fanfic was the first time I finished something. I looked at fanfiction as training wheels for writing. I could work on things like plotting a story out and seeing it through to the end while having the crutch of pre-established characters and situations and settings. My first major fanfic (Mummy genre) was something like 42,000 words, and it had a beginning, middle and end and it was a complete work. So I did a couple sequels that were longer, and learned more about plotting. Then I moved on to LOTR fic, and got called crap. Oh, wait, that's another topic.

But The Book, that I've been working on since 2002, is a lot harder to do because it's lonely. I'd love to be able to put it up on a site somewhere and get reviews, know if it sucks or not. But I can't, so I don't. A couple friends have read parts of it for me, and tell me it's good, so I trust them. And I keep working on it.

Writer's groups help, and having someone to talk about it with helps too. I am lucky in that Morgan and I are both creative types, so we listen to each other yammer about our projects. But mostly you have to do it.

If you want to talk writing, I'm here. If you want a virtual writing buddy, I'm here. Fanfiction is good, it really is. And if writing fanfic floats your boat, go for it. Don't do what Dave thinks you should do. Make yourself happy.

[fafojoy.livejournal.com]

I think one of the things that fanfiction provides, over original works, is an immediate community - people with an interest in the subject material and people who want to write. Most of us will never get published, and most of us don't care. We write for the love of the world we write in, for the skills we gain in putting words to paper, and for the community we become a part of. If that leads to improved skills and an eventual publishable original work - great. If not, so what.

My writing skills have improved greatly since I began this hobby. I love thinking through plots and plotholes, characters and characterization, plausibility and readability. Every review and every email is treasured. Someone recently told me she rereads my stories when she is down, becasue they are endearing, positive and comforting. If they are that, and at least a little entertaining, have I not contributed, somehow, to society? Who cares about money? (we have day jobs for that!).

I don't know you or Dave, but I would encourage you to find your support and encouragement through your readers and other writers, instead of him. Only use him if you need him to help you, um...visualize a particular scene :D. I do hope that he will at least be encouraging, even if the subject doesn't interest him.

If you don't mind virtual hugs from virtual friends, then ((hugs you))

[lindorien.livejournal.com]

Whether you write original work or fanfic, my joke is always that if you in it for de money, best get out.

Write what you want. If you want somebody to bounce ideas or enthuse with, let me know. Support is everything. I've no idea where you live, but are there any writing groups - support or workshop or anything in your area?

[dawtheminstrel.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, I write scholarship and publish it as part of my day job and nobody pays me for that either. That's a shock to people when they first hear it, but it's true. Journals don't pay you for articles, and you only get book royalties after the book has sold X number of copies, which means never. But money's not the point there and it's not the point with fanfiction either.

My husband refuses to read anything I write. He's just not interested. But I have to admit, he doesn't mock it either.

One of the great things about fanfiction on the internet is that it's possible to have exchanges with readers. You share this little world that you're creating. I can't write for just me. I'm too boring!