lies on floor in puddle of incompetence

[dragonlady7]

Let me tell you a secret about myself, that since many of you have never met me in person you may not know:

I have
absolutely
NO
fashion sense.

(More: anecdotal support to prove I'm not just saying that, and a chance for you to help me! Yes, i'm for real. Shh.)

Honestly, I don't know how to dress myself. I'm wearing ratty silk boxer shorts (ill-fitting), a semi-transparent and somewhat baggy men's undershirt, and a sports bra, and couldn't be happier-- but also, frighten passers-by when I go out to the front yard to do yardwork. (Neighbor thought I was a bum or something.)
I do not know how to dress.
At my last job my immediate superior pulled me aside shortly before they fired me and said they weren't happy with me-- I wasn't fitting in with the attitude of the company (I had some conflicts with the bipolar boss when one day he'd give me huge ambitious assignments and the next day he'd deny me the equipment and materials I needed to finish those assignments, and the day after that would throw a verbally-abusive tantrum because I hadn't finished the assignment-- but that's another story!! Obviously, I'm a bad person), and oh, they found my dress sense wanting.
Exqueeze me? Baking powder? Dress sense?
Yeah. They'd never been thrilled with my fashion sense but y'know, they'd figured I'd, "you know, pick up a few pieces here and there" and my dress sense would improve without any further feedback from them. Where I was supposed to discover this dress sense I don't know-- certainly not from the example of those around me; neither of the company co-founders really adhered to the stated dress policy (nor did the senior manager, who inexplicably wore jeans every Thursday even though Friday was casual day), and indeed one of the cofounders never actually changed his clothes, but wore the same exact clothing for weeks on end and didn't shower.
And these people found my ill-fitting dress slacks and dull fitted t-shirts offensive? People. I didn't smell bad. Or have fleas. Unlike some. (I do not lie.)

Well. Anyway. I have come to accept that I just don't freaking know how to dress. No woman should be corrected on matters of fashion by her Computer Science major boyfriend (whose wardrobe consists entirely of L.L. Bean khakis, and button-down shirts of at least 6 years in age, and who has no socks other than tall white athletic socks, which he wears PULLED UP with his gingham shorts in summertime. I might also add that every SINGLE piece of clothing he owns was purchased by his mother).
But Dave is all I have, and there are times when he has had to say, "no, you can't go out like that." And I, no lie, am like, "What?" And he'll point out that, say, I'm wearing shiny blue-white sandals with a khaki skirt, or I'm wearing hand-me-down capri pants that make my belly look like a balloon, or I'm wearing a t-shirt that gives my torso the appearance of a tent, or something. This from a man who could care less about clothing. Yeah...

So now I'm trying to find a job. And I'm staring at my wardrobe, most of which is not yet unpacked and put away, and it's totally overwhelming me. What do I wear, to go out and approach people and try to get them to hire me? What do I wear? What the hell do I wear? I have no idea. I really truly have no idea.
And it's not like I'm Christie Brinkley and can just put anything on and look fabulous. No. To be kind, we'll call my figure "difficult". I am the sort of person who will have a blouse she will wear everywhere because her mom said she liked it, until three years later she finally sees a photo of herself in it and realizes that it. Makes. Her. Look. Terrible. (True story, can you tell? My mom really likes me in large, shapeless clothing that drapes from the boobs to make me resemble a large teepee. This blouse not only made me look fat but also made me look like I had poor posture because of the way it hung from the shoulders. And I NEVER NOTICED.)

So.

I tried the Clueless (the movie) trick and tried on a bunch of clothes and took pictures of myself in them (not so wasteful as in the movie because it's digital, and was an excuse to play with the camera's timer and portrait modes). So far I learned that one of my favorite shirts which I thought looked good actually has some magic accentuate-belly-fat kung-fu, the existence of which I had never suspected. But other than that, i have no idea. I look like me in all the pictures, only chubbier than I remember being, and I can't really tell anything about the clothes.

So if I put the photos online and link to them, are there any moderately competent human beings with, y'know, color sense and a basic idea of appropriate attire, among you that could give me some kind of pointer as to what is a Good Idea and what is a Bad Idea, clothing-wise? Or, faiing that, people with a little time on their hands looking for some amusement, who would like to laugh at me?
(Please ignore the wispy hairdo and the fact that despite it being a dimly lit room, I have sunglasses inexplicably wound among my Heidi braids. It was sunny out, OK? And I forgot they were there and spent half an hour looking for them later.)
(And oh yeah, pretend I have shoes or something. I forgot about that part of the outfit.)

I'm trying to get a job as a bartender. I fully intend, once I have this job, to keep statistics on which outfits, hairdos, and makeup get me the most tips, so that I can learn to dress by statistical analysis. (I kid you not.) But I have to get one first.
So pretend you're a bar manager. Which of these versions of this woman would you be more likely to take seriously when she tells you she's completed her CARE certification and a 40-hour bartending course, and has prior experience in food service and retail, can do shift paperwork and basic store accounting, and will attract a loyal following of customers because of her sunny, sexy personality and her generous rack?

(Yes. I said sunny. I lied. The rest of it's true, though, and I fully intend to lie with gusto, and that's what gets interviewees jobs!)

Comments

[ellbee804.livejournal.com]

Say that's a really good idea. I'll have to try that next time I need to find something just right to wear.

As for the clothes, a lot depends on the type of place you’re applying at. I like the skirts, especially the floral skirt, but then I’m a skirt kind of person. If you’re more comfortable in pants, the grey ones or the khaki would be best. The black ones are interview appropriate, but they don’t lay quite as nicely as the grey and khaki ones. A food service interview would usually require less formal attire than one at, say, an investment bank, but I still probably wouldn’t do the sleeveless for an interview. Of the other tops, I have to say I like the black shirt the best, it’s got a more interesting neckline. So that’s my vote: The black shirt with either of the skirts, or the grey or khaki pants.

My real favorite is the corset, but you might want to wait until you've actually got the job.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Yay, thanks for commenting and not thinking this was a retarded idea. I hesitated before posting it, but I thought what the heck, I'll never figure out what to wear otherwise.

I like the floral skirt a lot but it's kind of thin and insubstantial, so I get self-conscious about underwear lines when I wear it. It also fit me better five pounds ago.
I used to be a big skirt person, but I didn't own any skirts above lower-calf length. So buying that skirt and the khaki one and a couple others buried in the closet were big steps for me. (I have not one but three sisters with gorgeous gams, so the legs don't come out much.) But it seems that a job interview doesn't call for an ankle-length skirt-- something just seems unprofessional about it.

Is sleeveless informal? See, I told you I don't know fashion. Well then.
The black shirt does have the most interesting neckline. The maroon one I have in like eight different colors because they were on sale and were just plain basic.


I cannot find an outfit that the corset really goes with, which is a continuing disappointment to me. I would wear that thing all the time if I could. It is so comfortable... I need more corsets. They should be in fashion. They're such a good idea.

[reverend-dave.livejournal.com]

For an interview, I would say the Gap skirt with whatever top.

Depending on what sort of bar, you might want to wear jeans of some sort. After all, people will spill untold amounts of booze on you, plus crap drips of the bar etc. So try something stain-resistant.

For tops, I'd say: if you're going to use your rack to get tips, you'll need to show a bit more rack. I personally find boob-showy tops to be really sexy when combined with elbow length sleeves.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I figure for working, dark colors and washable fabrics-- definitely.
I don't know that I'd wear a skirt to work-- they're just not as comfortable for me, standing and walking, for hours on end.

But yes-- while working, I plan to accumulate a vast collection of boobalicious tops. :) Elbow-length sleeves, you say? I am fond of that length as well. Hmm... Wonder where one finds such a thing. I shall hunt.

I do have one quite nice low-cut blouse with 3/4 sleeves, which I didn't model in this round because I just recovered it from a suitcase where it was wadded up into a crinkly little ball. But yes-- good idea.

:D

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

I really like the khakis, but not with that shirt. Try and find a button down that nips in at the waist some.

The charcoal pants, too, looked nice.

Good luck!

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm......

OK. Thanks. I have some button-downs with princess seams that might do. You're right that it doesn't go well with that shirt. But I never would have noted that on my own.

The charcoal pants are missing a button, more's the annoyance-- there are two, so they're wearable, but... And I bought them with a matching vest that looks smashing on me, but that vest is also missing a button now. Pain in my BUTT. Stupid H&M. Clothes are durable enough, in my experience, but the buttons just go flying.