realization

[dragonlady7]

(Note: this entry is meant to be sort of funny, because I am still in denial despite what I say to the contrary. Don't worry.)

My whole life I've sort of struggled with weight. Not the usual way, but more... mentally. (Yeah, I'm a wuss.)

It all started when my mother, ridiculed in high school for being overweight, began to warn me not to eat so much, because she didn't want me to also be overweight. Since I hadn't thought of myself as fat before, it confused me, and I became very insecure about my body. I spent my teenage years swathed in oversized t-shirts and owned not one item of clothing that fit me properly, not even my socks (which were hand-me-downs anyway. Obviously I was a high fashion queen).

The first time I ever thought myself attractive was when I was in my first romantic relationship. My partner assured me I had a fabulous figure, and i began to dress in clothing that fit, even flattered, me. I also bought a bra that actually fit me for the first time. I was 18. For the first time, strangers would compliment me, and I attracted attention. It was very odd.
Looking at photos, I realized that I had not been overweight in middle school (when my mother had first started warning me about it). I was perfectly average.
But my weight has been slowly increasing my whole life. It's slowed down a lot, and is a lot more subtle. I tend to gain weight evenly, with much of it concentrated in breasts and hips, and so I am able to justify being heavier than average for my height by saying 'well it's all tits' or whatever. Lately, however, though my weight has held steady, my muscle tone has decreased (I think) and so I am fatter but not heavier-- not that I know that for sure. It's all very nebulous, as all of this body image bullshit is, and it's mostly just annoying.

Even recently, I was researching pregnancy and birth for a novel I was writing, and out of curiosity, entered my vital stats into babycenter.com's calculator for women attempting to conceive (being overweight or underweight can impede your chances at conception). (Additional note: I am not trying to conceive. I am trying to determine whether I am fat. Don't knit me baby booties, for you will be disappointed.) It informed me that, given my height, weight, and waist size, I was a little overweight but my waist measurement indicated that the fat was distributed in ways that were not harmful-- or I was exceptionally muscular. So even that has failed to confirm one way or another whether I'm fat. (My mom says yes. Dave says 'meh'. I am confused, being a DDD and having calves too muscular for most boots to fit-- I'd say it was just fat, but it's solid. Couldn't tell you why.)

Obviously, I could lose a few pounds. But the problem is, I'm not going to care enough to do anything about it unless I think there's actually a problem. Not finding clothes that fit me is an annoyance, not a problem.
(Also, my mom is a fanatic about weight, having just lost over 110 pounds in about a year. Her opinion on anything regarding weight and body image cannot be trusted. She is a weird skinny person now, that my brain does not register as "mother". She is also much healthier and I am glad, but she is a freak.)

Health considerations: a side note. Dave, sitting next to me drinking herbal tea, informs me that there's a new study out that proves conclusively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that fatness is not what's so bad. It's inactivity that's so bad. So... he's screwed, being a massively underweight freak who never exercises. (A lie. He walks a lot and we do take bike rides.)

But. Finally, once and for all, the controversy has been settled.

I am fat.

How was it settled?

This picture. (behind the cut.)

The camera doesn't lie, man!!

The real tragedy is that none of the weight is in my ass. All this and I STILL don't have an ass. That's the tragic thing that you can't see in the picture. But honestly, what a horrible picture. (Dave doesn't look so good either...)

That was from Chris's wedding, by the way, which was a lovely affair that I enjoyed immensely. :) However, I am fat. And this deeply saddens me. Perhaps I'll go for a bike ride, like I did yesterday after seeing that picture for the first time. Yow.

Comments

[qowf.livejournal.com]

Dude, you have the same problem I do: a rack.

The rack makes you look heavier. Yes, you could probably lose a few pounds, (we all could) but the rack is not your friend in pictures. It always adds weight.

I'm a DD, when I had the kid, a DDD. It SUCKED. In fact, I am determined to lose twenty more pounds and then get a reduction because I am going the way of my grandmother and my aunt who had/have permanent curio shelves for cleavage. I need to lose the weight first though, even though it never falls off the rack.

I have not much in the buttage zone either, but the rack always makes me look heavier. Good bras are key. They are so worth the money--heck, I think I'm going to buy one for my birthday next week.

Good bras and exercise. I miss exercise. Can't do any until the blood pressure regulates. Bah.

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

I totally know what you mean.

I'll feel really great, and then I'll see the Christmas pictures and I'll think, "Who's the fatty? Wait. That's me."

Everyone in my family is thin, except my dad, but he's got the older dude's pot belly, so it's a) not so terrible, and b) not likely to ever go away at this point. (He's 73.)

Even when my mom has gained weight, the fact that she never had much in the way of breasts or hips means in the right clothes, she looks slim. The fact she's 5'9 also helps.

I am 5', a 34D/36C, with hips and a butt. I'm at 130, and even when I was in high school and almost 30lbs lighter, I *still* looked heavy. My mom was on my case even then to lose weight.

If she had her way, I'd be one of those 95lb things you'd see mincing around. Toppling over because of my huge tits.

I also know the tits are their own thing because they hit 34D when I was 16 and 103lbs. (I was going to visit a long-distance boyfriend and was dieting hard.)

But because she spent her life 5'9 with a 36B, my mother doesn't understand that the day I'm 95lbs is the day I need to go to that place in Utah where Mary Kate Olsen went.

My suggestion for you is to go through the food you eat, cut out the obviously bad stuff, and then restrict yourself to 1300-1500 calories a day. It was the only intelligent thing the nutritionist I saw earlier this summer told me. She restricted me to 1200, but you're a lot taller than me, so I don't think that would be a good plan.

Oh, and I've never been able to wear a lot of calf- or knee-high boots either. Damn my legs!

[jennnlee.livejournal.com]

Agree about the rack thing. I'm a DD too.

Also, you're twisted at a little bit of an angle, which basically looks like it should be a profile shot, which makes your eye automatically see "ooh, fat." But you're more 1/4 turned, so you're basically at the least flattering angle possible for a photo. You don't have any extra weight in your face.

Trust me, I'm a fat girl, I know these things. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does. But hey, if it inspires you to bike ride, do it. Exercise is healthy and will make you feel better about yourself. But don't beat yourself up about being fat. Cause you're not.

[reverend-dave.livejournal.com]

I wish we had a word in the English language which means something like "we-guys-don't-care-if-you-think-you're-fat-'cause-baby-you've-got-it-goin'-on!" or similar.

I understand the Eskimos have this.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Responding to all comments because I came to respond to the one I actually got nofitication of and found there were more. :)

Jill, I've seen you in that little vinyl dress. What's it like having an ass? Is it nice?

I am on the shy side of 5' 7". I think I have a similar body type to my oldest sister, so if I were in excellent shape I would probably resemble her most (Katy. In the wedding photos, the one in the white dress). She is in splendid condition but according to Army standards is always pushing the high end of the allowed weight for a woman her height-- because she is built so sturdily, and yes-- the rack. (My other two sisters, likewise heavily racked, are both narrower in the hips than Katy and I-- and by that I mean, hip bones, not just hip-fat.)
However, Katy is 5' 10", and can do like 60 pushups a minute, and can strip and reassemble an M-16 in two minutes or something, and I tihink her time for two miles has always hovered around twelve minutes.
And yes-- her rack sometimes makes her look fat.

So if I became a fitness guru, I would probably resemble Katy's figure, only less leggy, and, well, I wouldn't. Because I'd have to be nuts. I think I'd always be stockier...

I don't KNOW how porn stars manage to make large breasts look good in photos. Probably by dieting into skeletal states and then having the boobs added on. Also, by not wearing clothes. I bet that helps distinguish Boobs from Fat.
Me, I am so fond of my two little friends-- "the girls"-- that I don't really want them to be smaller. Yes, they will always look bad in pictures, but they keep me warm, and they keep me company, and they really do behave well if I invest the money in good bras.
My mother isn't so busty, but my grandmother is. She's having back problems, but that's probably mostly due to osteoporosis, so I think calcium supplements and medium-impact exercise do me more good than a breast reduction.

Dave and I, since we live just over the border into the Town of Tonawanda, can get $200 annual memberships to the town's aquatic and fitness center. So I am going to try eating healthier (my mom has tons of good high-nutrient, low-calorie recipes she's only too happy to give me, since she thinks my physical state is tragic), and we're both going to be more active. We still don't know what killed Dave's father (well. besides the icy water. Tests came back inconclusive but the medical examiner still thought he must have had some reason to have fallen into the water in the first place-- heart attack, stroke, fainting spell?), so I think working now to make Dave as healthy as possible isn't a bad idea. (Though his father was in excellent shape, since he worked in construction and was very physically active.) Anyway, it can't hurt, and I've always really liked swimming even though I'm terrible at it. Dave can't actually swim, and I want to teach him.

Jen, thanks for the reassurances. :) I guess that is a good rule of thumb for overweightness-- carrying fat in the face. That's probably one of the biggest changes I noticed in my mom (besides the fact that from the back she looks like a teenage boy, not helped by her recent adoption of flare jeans [she's so excited, after being a size 24, that Gap's "Long and Lean" size 12 jeans fit her] and Adidas three-stripe sneakers)-- her face is much slimmer and the bone structure shows more. She looks much younger and less puffy than she did. Really I'm proud of her, but she's such a freak...

Reverend Dave, you rule. :D


But in the end, I suppose it's all sort of moot-- there's nothing wrong with not looking good in pictures, and even Katy, the perfect older sister, looks awful in pictures. If it weren't my chubby arms, it would be something else. With Katy, it's her strong chin and that one eyelid that droops slightly that you never notice in person. If I were skinny, I'd probably hate my nose or something.


Aw man, I just had another good thought for a t-shirt. (I have silkscreen equipment and have been plotting slogans for t-shirts.)
Right across the boobs, it should say, "Say hello to my little friends."

Gigglefit.

Anybody want a copy? :D