On Loss

[dragonlady7]

The Buffalo sports scene is not having a good year. But at least Baby Joe Mesi is still undefeated. By barely two points, but still undefeated. I don't follow boxing, but I watched Baby Joe because he's from Buffalo and I was in Buffalo. Had just watched the Sabres get trounced by the Tampa Bay Lightning. I'd make some comment about how it's not like Tampa Bay even has ice, but it's not like any of the players are from there anyway.

I was in the living room of a stranger, with a bunch of boxing fans, drinking Canadian beer and learning about the fine sport of boxing. We were there to see a friend of Dave's, name of Sean. They attended the same Catholic boys' high school, and Sean graduated a year ahead of Dave. They met on a school-sponsored trip to Germany.
Sean's a big lad of Irish descent, fond of hard drinking, and the sort of person to whom good stories of reckless behavior seem to be attracted. He's also an accomplished classical guitarist with an associate's degree in music, but nerve damage in his left shoulder left him unable to play for several years, and he's only just picking it up again.
He decided last year that he'd been in Buffalo long enough, and it had little to offer him. So he joined the Army, and has recently finished his training to qualify him to be a crew chief for a Blackhawk helicopter.
The rest of his unit's just shipped out, but he was left behind. We didn't know why, but as we hit the town with me designated driver, he explained that his mother is terminally ill and he's currently awaiting approval of family emergency leave time from the Army.
The Army really tries to take care of its own. But they're primarily a bureaucracy, huge and unwieldy. They told him he'd have approval in 48 hours, but it's been several weeks and he still doesn't know.
However. Rather than languishing in some base somewhere, he's at home while they decide. So it's working out well for him in the meantime. Well, as well as can be expected. I can't imagine watching one's mother die qualifies as "things going well", and his own observations on the topic confirmed that.
Sean and Dave got slightly drunk, and discussed a lot of very deep things. I was very interested to hear Sean's views on military life, especially his views on women and officers in the Army. My sister is now a captain in the Army, having just served a rotation in Iraq.
But far more poignant was the discussion on losing one's parents. Dave's father (as most who read this probably already know) died suddenly in May, in a fishing accident. He was 51 and in perfect health, and had just hosted a huge family party to celebrate his son-in-law's attainment of his PhD. After all the party guests left, he went off to Canada for a fishing trip, and somehow, he fell out of a boat and drowned. He seemed to have hit his head on the way out of the boat, so it's fairly certain he was unconscious before he hit the water. It's likely he was dead before he knew what was going on. Why he fell remains uncertain; all that's known is that he went suddenly.
Sean's mother is dying slowly, of a rare and complicated disease. If you had the option, when you saw someone for the last time, of either knowing or not knowing that this would be the last time you saw them, which would you choose, Sean asked us. Dave said he'd probably rather not know, and Sean concurred. Knowing this is the last time he'd have his birthday with his mom, the last time he'd have Thanksgiving, the last time he'd have Christmas... it's a difficult, slow, painful loss, quite aside from his mother's actual suffering.
I was the only sober one there, and the only one crying.