So tired.

[dragonlady7]

I'm so tired. So, so, so tired. So tired. So tired. So very, very tired. So tired. So so so, so so tired.

The kind of tired where I could sleep 16 hours a day and I'd still be tired. Because I'm tired. Tired, tired, tired. I can't see straight and I have a headache. I'm so tired. Nothing works; my email was broken for no reason, I can't figure out how to get my templates in MovableType configured (I have all the documentation in front of me, and it's well-written and helpful, but I'm so tired it might as well be in Korean for all the good it's doing me), I can't quit my fucking job, but I'm so tired of being here. So very, very tired. I can't do anything here-- even if I understand the task, the knowledge of my own overwhelming incompetence bears down on me, pushes me down to the ground, and I feel crushed. My eyes have taken to crossing and I see things double. i'm so tired, so fucking tired. I'm tired when I come in in the morning and I'm tired when I go home at night-- so tired that I want to cry as I sit in the foyer waiting for Dave to pick me up, and sometimes I do. I am simply tired. I'm glad my desk is secluded so nobody notices if I burst into tears in the middle of the day. Because I'm tired.
I'm tired. I'm really, really, really tired.
I have articles to write, meaningful content to post to my newly-adsensed website. (I've had one click so far. It's earned three cents. Whoopee! Breaking the bank, man.) I have to then promote those articles, get myself known as a writer. Show the world I can write, let the world know my services are for sale. I have to get published. I have to write. I need samples of all genres. I need to finish that article series I have all those notes for. I have to.
I'm so tired.
I'm so horribly tired.
Monday night I fell asleep at 6:00 pm. I woke for dinner, but fell asleep again after. Tuesday night I had a clear-cut task before me, that was within my measure of competence to do. I lay in my bed and cried instead, and then I stumbled across an amusing weblog and read that for three hours. It was better than crying. Then I was up until 1 am, but got nothing done. At all.
Here it is Wednesday already. I'm tired. I'm absolutely exhausted. I haven't showered today; I decided to sleep in instead. I'm so tired. I haven't gotten any of the things done I had meant to, except for putting Adsense on my site. I've gotten my one click, so they won't disable me yet-- but if I get too many, of course, they'll disable me.
But if I don't create quality content and promote it to drive traffic to the site, my income won't even cover my costs.
I'm not looking to make a living off Adsense, i just think it would be really helpful to have it.
But I am tired. So very tired. I am weary to the bone, and not from good honest hard labor; simply from being an oversensitive little fucking idiot and sitting here feeling oppressed that they hate me.
Of course they fucking hate me here; I sit here and am oppressed all the time. I get shit done, sure, but there's only so much I can get done when I'm so busy being oppressed.

To tell the truth, it's not that I feel this job is exceptionally hard. What I worry is that this job is actually fairly normal, pretty par for the course as far as day jobs go, and this is all really just proving to the world that I am not competent to hold a real job. Even the cushiest job would probably oppress me. I'll just always be miserable, because I'm not ... whatever... enough to withstand a real, full-time job.
Distressing, isn't it? It's not like this place has high standards of excellence, and I can't even meet those.

Sigh.

I'm really tired of worrying. But mostly, tired of being tired. Especially as it's not that i"m working that hard. I'm moping around. I'm whining. I'm not getting anything fucking done. If i were tired from working so hard, I'd feel at least honest exhaustion. This is headachey trembly oppressed-soul bullshit, that simply reinforces my own bloody uselessness.

Dave's the only person who cares, and even he's sick of it. So am I, but I'M TIRED. And that's all there is to it: I'm tired.

Comments

this is from kat

[(Anonymous)]

Nonsense. You are not useless! Think about it...you went and learned computer stuff on your own time to improve your work, you researched solutions to things they wanted but had no idea how to get, you taught yourself how to implement those solutions, and then when you went to do it, your crazy boss/T would reject the good, hard work you had done, usually by changing what they wanted, giving the job to someone else, or just belittling you on general purposes. It's terrible, and mean, and wrong, but YOU did your part. They clearly don't want someone who can find ways for them to do what they want to do; they want to have excuses so they can whine about how they can't do what they want to do.
They're worthless. YOU are not

[(Anonymous)]

kill yourself and get it over with ok

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, that's a novel idea. It didn't occur to me, I just made some changes in my life instead so the situation was more tolerable. But I'll take your idea into account next time. Thanks for the thoughtful suggestion!