i can't do it
Oct. 24th, 2003 05:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7i just can't get my website up. i can't.
i've exhausted just about every option. i tried just editing it in the browser window using zope, but i can't make zope wrap lines, so i'm trying to compose into this little window and i can't see what i'm doing and i just fuck up the whole thing.
so i tried hand-coding everything in bbedit and uploading it to the server, but the linking structure is hopelessly fucked-up, and i'd do clever things like editing the copy on the server and then overwriting it with the old copy on my desktop.
so i tried editing it in dreamweaver.
well, in order to make dreamweaver read the files, I had to put file extensions on them. (I mean, imagine that-- files with extensions) That caused the files to, of course, have the wrong names.
The result? Zope redirects any visitors to the next level up. So, they find... Dave's webpage. Which hasn't been edited since January, points to a page I wrote in March and points to the Doc Platinum pages.
So people click through from the forums wondering about my freelance copywriting, and end up reading about Dave's band. Which broke up in 1999 or 2000. (Notwithstanding reformations since then, which I don't know any dates of.)
I'm trying to edit the files that they're actually seeing, so that in the meantime while I work on the site in dreamweaver they'll see SOMETHING, but when I open the files that are on the server, I don't get the whole file!! I can't change what they see because I can't get the whole file!
So I feel like I've exhausted every possibility, and I just cannot get this fucking site up. I can't even hope to become a freelance writer until I have some kind of portfolio / c.v. site. I can't get the site up. I haven't got the time I need to work on it. I won't have the time I need to work on it until I can quit my job. But I can't quit my job until I've got the freelance business off the ground. Which I can't do until I have the site up. Which I can't do until I have the time to do it. Which I will never have.
I'm going to be stuck in this fucking spiral until I die. Or until my job fires me because I don't do anything at work because I can't think straight. I'm bored out of my mind there, I'm sick of the politics, I'm pissed at the people, I'm alienated by their incompetence, and I hate what I'm working on. I cannot stand my boss, my supervisor irritates me in the most fundamental ways, and I'm the most profoundly unmotivated I've ever been by a life situation.
So I try to work on the freelance stuff, but it goes nowhere. The only thing I can do is post in the forums, but I'm not even posting good things there that will encourage people to work with me. The one freelance gig I have, the guy keeps forgetting to send me work. (He meant to. He didn't. I just sent him an email to poke him.)
I am in despair, despair I tell you-- it's a blog, I'm supposed to theatrically despair now and then-- and I don't know what the hell to do. I can't fix this without Dave, but I can't explain it to Dave well enough to have him help me (thereby ensuring that I can't fix this WITH Dave either), so I'm pretty well stuck.
Stuck.
I need to restructure our website-- by which I mean the entire thing. But I don't know how, and I don't know where to put anything. I can't just co-opt the root-level directory-- it's Dave's server, and that's his webpage.
But I can't futz around in the subdirectories either.
So I can't make a decent URL. I registered a domain name, but I don't know what to point it to. I have it pointing to a subdirectory. That confuses me so much I don't even know what to do. The subdirectory is the root level for that domain name, but what does that make the actual root level? I don't know. I can't wrap my brain around it.
So I can't figure out to organize the website. But Dave can't do anything until I figure out how to organize the website. But I'm so fucking confused I don't know where to START, much less where to finish, and I just don't know what to do, and I'm just babbling now because I don't know what to do.
On top of that, my computer's malfunctioning-- problems on waking from sleep. Fortunately its mechanism to go to sleep doesn't fucking work either, so for the most part it's not a problem.
On top of that, my apartment's malfunctioning-- one of the major radiators isn't working. No biggie, we can shut the doors and just have our bedrooms be warm. Except the thermostat's in the room with the malfunctioning heater, so it's probably 80 in our bedrooms and the heaters are puffing away like mad, and there goes all the money I'd managed to save since this summer. Into making the apartment tolerable.
And oh-- on top of that, my mom's pissed.
My sister got married last night. See, they had a civil ceremony, so that the Army would post them together. The real wedding's in May. Since it's just the little civil ceremony, nobody was invited, because it wasn't possible for Adam's family to come up. So Mom didn't even tell most people about it.
She didn't even tell me what time it was at, and she did tell me I was emphatically not invited.
So...
I went to bed last night. I went to bed at 8, so I could get up at 3, because I was under the ridiculous impression that if I just got Dreamweaver configured right, I could get this site to work. (I know. I know. I'm fucking retarded. I think we went over that.)
Well, Mom's really pissed at me because she called me after the wedding and I didn't pick up, and she emailed me and I didn't answer.
Jesus. Either it's not a big deal, or it is. Either it's an important wedding, or it's not. If I'm not even told when it is, how am I to know that they were planning on calling me after it? What am I supposed to say, congrats on formalizing your engagement legally? Fine, but let me know I'm supposed to congratulate you. It's not like it's some kind of commonplace event. I don't know anyone else that got married twice, so I don't know the etiquette. Where do I even look that up?
I'm just trying to get some fucking work done, and I'm too stupid to actually do it. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. This is all I want-- all I want is to become a freelance writer. I could look for another job, but I'm not interested-- I want to work for myself. I don't want to work for anyone else. Everyone in the world is an asshole on some level, and I'd rather work for myself because at least when I'm an asshole i can tell myself so.
I'm so fucking tired. Sleeping doesn't help. Everyone at work is like this. From the usually-sourpuss telephone support guy to the usually-bubbly secretary, everyone is tired. Nobody has much of a sense of humor, nobody is enjoying their work, nobody is finding it rewarding or satisfying, everyone is feeling stifled and squandered, nobody's feeling like their life is going anywhere, everyone's fed up and wants to find a better job because they don't make enough money, their efforts aren't rewarded, their skills go to waste, their ideas are crushed, their contributions are unrecognized. Everyone feels the exact same way.
Except somehow my supervisor, who is either a great actress, or fucking delusional. She's obviously angling for a promotion to management. She's obviously never going to get it. if she does, the manager is mad, because she's got no organizational skills, either of time or of people or of projects.
More than anything, I want a week to just sort out everything in my life. If I could just escape from my job for a week, that would be enough.
It's like asking for the moon. Are you fucking nuts? A week? Fuhgeddaboudit. I'll have to take seven unpaid days at Christmastime because I promised Dave we could spend his birthday in Buffalo and I'm determined to have a decent Christmas. That'll singlehandedly wipe out any savings I have. So I can't afford even a day now.
I've never been so stifled, I've never been so unhappy, and I've never been so frustrated. I hate it here, I hate my job, I hate the environment I work in, and I hate that I have a plan I can't even manage to follow to get out of it. It should be easy, right? It's not like i have to set up anything complicated. I have not accomplished a thing, and I have been "working" on this for what, two months now? I think it's more already but I don't know.
I'm just not capable of balancing or organizing and I'm just not making any progress.
i've exhausted just about every option. i tried just editing it in the browser window using zope, but i can't make zope wrap lines, so i'm trying to compose into this little window and i can't see what i'm doing and i just fuck up the whole thing.
so i tried hand-coding everything in bbedit and uploading it to the server, but the linking structure is hopelessly fucked-up, and i'd do clever things like editing the copy on the server and then overwriting it with the old copy on my desktop.
so i tried editing it in dreamweaver.
well, in order to make dreamweaver read the files, I had to put file extensions on them. (I mean, imagine that-- files with extensions) That caused the files to, of course, have the wrong names.
The result? Zope redirects any visitors to the next level up. So, they find... Dave's webpage. Which hasn't been edited since January, points to a page I wrote in March and points to the Doc Platinum pages.
So people click through from the forums wondering about my freelance copywriting, and end up reading about Dave's band. Which broke up in 1999 or 2000. (Notwithstanding reformations since then, which I don't know any dates of.)
I'm trying to edit the files that they're actually seeing, so that in the meantime while I work on the site in dreamweaver they'll see SOMETHING, but when I open the files that are on the server, I don't get the whole file!! I can't change what they see because I can't get the whole file!
So I feel like I've exhausted every possibility, and I just cannot get this fucking site up. I can't even hope to become a freelance writer until I have some kind of portfolio / c.v. site. I can't get the site up. I haven't got the time I need to work on it. I won't have the time I need to work on it until I can quit my job. But I can't quit my job until I've got the freelance business off the ground. Which I can't do until I have the site up. Which I can't do until I have the time to do it. Which I will never have.
I'm going to be stuck in this fucking spiral until I die. Or until my job fires me because I don't do anything at work because I can't think straight. I'm bored out of my mind there, I'm sick of the politics, I'm pissed at the people, I'm alienated by their incompetence, and I hate what I'm working on. I cannot stand my boss, my supervisor irritates me in the most fundamental ways, and I'm the most profoundly unmotivated I've ever been by a life situation.
So I try to work on the freelance stuff, but it goes nowhere. The only thing I can do is post in the forums, but I'm not even posting good things there that will encourage people to work with me. The one freelance gig I have, the guy keeps forgetting to send me work. (He meant to. He didn't. I just sent him an email to poke him.)
I am in despair, despair I tell you-- it's a blog, I'm supposed to theatrically despair now and then-- and I don't know what the hell to do. I can't fix this without Dave, but I can't explain it to Dave well enough to have him help me (thereby ensuring that I can't fix this WITH Dave either), so I'm pretty well stuck.
Stuck.
I need to restructure our website-- by which I mean the entire thing. But I don't know how, and I don't know where to put anything. I can't just co-opt the root-level directory-- it's Dave's server, and that's his webpage.
But I can't futz around in the subdirectories either.
So I can't make a decent URL. I registered a domain name, but I don't know what to point it to. I have it pointing to a subdirectory. That confuses me so much I don't even know what to do. The subdirectory is the root level for that domain name, but what does that make the actual root level? I don't know. I can't wrap my brain around it.
So I can't figure out to organize the website. But Dave can't do anything until I figure out how to organize the website. But I'm so fucking confused I don't know where to START, much less where to finish, and I just don't know what to do, and I'm just babbling now because I don't know what to do.
On top of that, my computer's malfunctioning-- problems on waking from sleep. Fortunately its mechanism to go to sleep doesn't fucking work either, so for the most part it's not a problem.
On top of that, my apartment's malfunctioning-- one of the major radiators isn't working. No biggie, we can shut the doors and just have our bedrooms be warm. Except the thermostat's in the room with the malfunctioning heater, so it's probably 80 in our bedrooms and the heaters are puffing away like mad, and there goes all the money I'd managed to save since this summer. Into making the apartment tolerable.
And oh-- on top of that, my mom's pissed.
My sister got married last night. See, they had a civil ceremony, so that the Army would post them together. The real wedding's in May. Since it's just the little civil ceremony, nobody was invited, because it wasn't possible for Adam's family to come up. So Mom didn't even tell most people about it.
She didn't even tell me what time it was at, and she did tell me I was emphatically not invited.
So...
I went to bed last night. I went to bed at 8, so I could get up at 3, because I was under the ridiculous impression that if I just got Dreamweaver configured right, I could get this site to work. (I know. I know. I'm fucking retarded. I think we went over that.)
Well, Mom's really pissed at me because she called me after the wedding and I didn't pick up, and she emailed me and I didn't answer.
Jesus. Either it's not a big deal, or it is. Either it's an important wedding, or it's not. If I'm not even told when it is, how am I to know that they were planning on calling me after it? What am I supposed to say, congrats on formalizing your engagement legally? Fine, but let me know I'm supposed to congratulate you. It's not like it's some kind of commonplace event. I don't know anyone else that got married twice, so I don't know the etiquette. Where do I even look that up?
I'm just trying to get some fucking work done, and I'm too stupid to actually do it. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. This is all I want-- all I want is to become a freelance writer. I could look for another job, but I'm not interested-- I want to work for myself. I don't want to work for anyone else. Everyone in the world is an asshole on some level, and I'd rather work for myself because at least when I'm an asshole i can tell myself so.
I'm so fucking tired. Sleeping doesn't help. Everyone at work is like this. From the usually-sourpuss telephone support guy to the usually-bubbly secretary, everyone is tired. Nobody has much of a sense of humor, nobody is enjoying their work, nobody is finding it rewarding or satisfying, everyone is feeling stifled and squandered, nobody's feeling like their life is going anywhere, everyone's fed up and wants to find a better job because they don't make enough money, their efforts aren't rewarded, their skills go to waste, their ideas are crushed, their contributions are unrecognized. Everyone feels the exact same way.
Except somehow my supervisor, who is either a great actress, or fucking delusional. She's obviously angling for a promotion to management. She's obviously never going to get it. if she does, the manager is mad, because she's got no organizational skills, either of time or of people or of projects.
More than anything, I want a week to just sort out everything in my life. If I could just escape from my job for a week, that would be enough.
It's like asking for the moon. Are you fucking nuts? A week? Fuhgeddaboudit. I'll have to take seven unpaid days at Christmastime because I promised Dave we could spend his birthday in Buffalo and I'm determined to have a decent Christmas. That'll singlehandedly wipe out any savings I have. So I can't afford even a day now.
I've never been so stifled, I've never been so unhappy, and I've never been so frustrated. I hate it here, I hate my job, I hate the environment I work in, and I hate that I have a plan I can't even manage to follow to get out of it. It should be easy, right? It's not like i have to set up anything complicated. I have not accomplished a thing, and I have been "working" on this for what, two months now? I think it's more already but I don't know.
I'm just not capable of balancing or organizing and I'm just not making any progress.
