all i do is complain
Jun. 7th, 2011 06:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7Since I started posting from Dreamwidth I don't know how to put a cut in. So instead I'll put a warning: It is what it says on the tin. Whining.
With derby season over I had been looking forward to a release of pressure and the perpetual constant scramble of my life to slow down to something more manageable. Instead the car died and I've just spent two days driving back and forth to Rochester, where the dealership with the car we wanted was, and running around doing errands to get ready. And I'm exhausted, and somehow even more frazzled and icky and awful than I was during the season.
To the point that when we walked into the dealership to buy the car, the salesman, who I'd met precisely once previously, looked at me and said, "My goodness, you look tired!"
But we got the car, so that's taken care of. We have to look into selling the Prius for scrap, since as-is its trade-in value was negative. it has parts that are worth money, surely, but I know nothing about this. And just like the gutter that fell off the house, I'm trying very hard to make it not be My Problem-- I am exhausted and simply can't do any more than I have/am. I can't figure this out too. But I'm worried it just won't ever get taken care of, like the gutter that fell off the house.
And then yesterday just after work my mentally-ill former colleague exploded at me and started blowing up my phone with messages. I had to pull over by the side of the road to call her back. I'd moved some of her belongings that she'd left at the store, a year ago, when she left on medical leave. I felt bad, so I labeled the box I put them into clearly. She must have stopped by while I was out at lunch (getting the banker's check for the downpayment, getting gas in the Subaru to get us to Rochester, and switching the insurance over to my carrier, actually, not so much with the eating), and the coworker who drives me so nuts threw me under the bus-- B moved your things, I don't know, maybe she threw them out-- because while I told her where I'd put everything, she never pays attention to what I say. So I told mentally-ill former colleague where her things were and that I certainly hadn't done it to hurt her, and she screamed at me-- "We never liked each other, don't bullshit me!" and it was kind of like getting stabbed because I liked her a lot and she'd always acted like she liked me, except now of course looking back I can see that no, she was just trying very hard to be nice, and really no, she never did like me. So that was kind of a hard thing to realize. I'm pretty socially awkward, in case that hadn't come across here yet (heh), so things like that are hard for me.
So then I had to pull back onto the road and drive 60 miles to Rochester with my legs shaking in grief and horror, which was kind of hard. I'd meant to pull over and have Z switch off driving with me once I'd done the hard part of getting on the road (he figured out how to drive pretty quick, but shifting's still hard, and i wanted him to get to do some highway driving), but I plain old forgot, I was so distraught. Hence my stricken face and the horrified salesman.
(Then we got a new car and I got to drive the old Subaru with no cruise control back home for an hour and a half watching its taillights.)
She left me a message on my Facebook telling me all I ever did was complain. She'd said something similar once before, and I'd wondered at it. This conversation kind of made it a lot clearer, in that she seems to firmly believe that all along we'd had a mutually antagonistic relationship. I really am so clueless I'd genuinely thought that she was just stressed out and really did mean it when she said she liked me, even though she kind of tended to say mean things a lot.
I'm really dumb, in case that hadn't come across here before. Saying I'm bad at this sort of stuff is putting it mildly. So I went back and looked at my FB profile and thought, well, maybe all I ever do is complain. I don't like being that sort of person. But I don't know what else to do.
I'm also feeling pretty down on myself, because applying for credit for the car highlighted just how little money I make. I feel like I work pretty hard, but I make about a quarter of what Z does. Which makes me feel bad about a lot of things, and makes me feel like in the eyes of our society I'm really not worth very much-- I don't even make twenty grand in a year, working full-time. We were going to apply jointly for credit and buy the car jointly but his credit is way better without me on there. I'm kind of dead weight, financially. And I know money's not everything, but it's pretty fucking humbling. I don't contribute much to this household and should probably start doing a larger share of the housework than I already do. But contemplating the additional time that would take is kind of daunting, at the moment.
I just feel crushed. I let my team down on Saturday. I let myself down. All I ever do is complain. And I really, really was dumb enough that I thought that colleague was my friend. I feel like I need a couple of days off to process things and remember how to move on with life, but we're short-staffed at work, as ever, so I can't, and even if I did I would feel even more worthless-- I don't get paid days off so I'd be making even less than I do.
So there's my whine, and if anyone wants any cheese with that, they'll have to bring it themselves.
With derby season over I had been looking forward to a release of pressure and the perpetual constant scramble of my life to slow down to something more manageable. Instead the car died and I've just spent two days driving back and forth to Rochester, where the dealership with the car we wanted was, and running around doing errands to get ready. And I'm exhausted, and somehow even more frazzled and icky and awful than I was during the season.
To the point that when we walked into the dealership to buy the car, the salesman, who I'd met precisely once previously, looked at me and said, "My goodness, you look tired!"
But we got the car, so that's taken care of. We have to look into selling the Prius for scrap, since as-is its trade-in value was negative. it has parts that are worth money, surely, but I know nothing about this. And just like the gutter that fell off the house, I'm trying very hard to make it not be My Problem-- I am exhausted and simply can't do any more than I have/am. I can't figure this out too. But I'm worried it just won't ever get taken care of, like the gutter that fell off the house.
And then yesterday just after work my mentally-ill former colleague exploded at me and started blowing up my phone with messages. I had to pull over by the side of the road to call her back. I'd moved some of her belongings that she'd left at the store, a year ago, when she left on medical leave. I felt bad, so I labeled the box I put them into clearly. She must have stopped by while I was out at lunch (getting the banker's check for the downpayment, getting gas in the Subaru to get us to Rochester, and switching the insurance over to my carrier, actually, not so much with the eating), and the coworker who drives me so nuts threw me under the bus-- B moved your things, I don't know, maybe she threw them out-- because while I told her where I'd put everything, she never pays attention to what I say. So I told mentally-ill former colleague where her things were and that I certainly hadn't done it to hurt her, and she screamed at me-- "We never liked each other, don't bullshit me!" and it was kind of like getting stabbed because I liked her a lot and she'd always acted like she liked me, except now of course looking back I can see that no, she was just trying very hard to be nice, and really no, she never did like me. So that was kind of a hard thing to realize. I'm pretty socially awkward, in case that hadn't come across here yet (heh), so things like that are hard for me.
So then I had to pull back onto the road and drive 60 miles to Rochester with my legs shaking in grief and horror, which was kind of hard. I'd meant to pull over and have Z switch off driving with me once I'd done the hard part of getting on the road (he figured out how to drive pretty quick, but shifting's still hard, and i wanted him to get to do some highway driving), but I plain old forgot, I was so distraught. Hence my stricken face and the horrified salesman.
(Then we got a new car and I got to drive the old Subaru with no cruise control back home for an hour and a half watching its taillights.)
She left me a message on my Facebook telling me all I ever did was complain. She'd said something similar once before, and I'd wondered at it. This conversation kind of made it a lot clearer, in that she seems to firmly believe that all along we'd had a mutually antagonistic relationship. I really am so clueless I'd genuinely thought that she was just stressed out and really did mean it when she said she liked me, even though she kind of tended to say mean things a lot.
I'm really dumb, in case that hadn't come across here before. Saying I'm bad at this sort of stuff is putting it mildly. So I went back and looked at my FB profile and thought, well, maybe all I ever do is complain. I don't like being that sort of person. But I don't know what else to do.
I'm also feeling pretty down on myself, because applying for credit for the car highlighted just how little money I make. I feel like I work pretty hard, but I make about a quarter of what Z does. Which makes me feel bad about a lot of things, and makes me feel like in the eyes of our society I'm really not worth very much-- I don't even make twenty grand in a year, working full-time. We were going to apply jointly for credit and buy the car jointly but his credit is way better without me on there. I'm kind of dead weight, financially. And I know money's not everything, but it's pretty fucking humbling. I don't contribute much to this household and should probably start doing a larger share of the housework than I already do. But contemplating the additional time that would take is kind of daunting, at the moment.
I just feel crushed. I let my team down on Saturday. I let myself down. All I ever do is complain. And I really, really was dumb enough that I thought that colleague was my friend. I feel like I need a couple of days off to process things and remember how to move on with life, but we're short-staffed at work, as ever, so I can't, and even if I did I would feel even more worthless-- I don't get paid days off so I'd be making even less than I do.
So there's my whine, and if anyone wants any cheese with that, they'll have to bring it themselves.
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no subject
Date: 2011-06-07 12:16 pm (UTC)Also, while you are free to disregard what other people say to you, you are actively encouraged to disregard what crazy people say to you. By virtue of them being crazy.
I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. But I can tell you this - this year has been better for you in a lot of ways than last, at from what you've written. And the car drama is mostly solved and seriously, that can take over your life! (I hate car shopping!)
no subject
Date: 2011-06-07 01:33 pm (UTC)You lost the game. But you had an awesome season, and the game was really, really close, and you know what? your TEAM lost the game. The team. Not just you.
Don't know what to say about the money thing...I've never really made enough to make ends exactly meet, but I've been able to sort of shred them and get the ends to whip at each other in the wind at intervals close enough to make it look like I'm paying all my bills on time...which I guess is all that matters. There's never really "enough" money.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-07 02:26 pm (UTC)I have been thinking a lot lately about how people treat each other, and what we should and should not wear ourselves when dealing with people. I think if you go through your life trying your best to be kind to people, then you are a good person. You should not have to wear the bad things people say and do to you, it's really on them. Hell yes, it hurts. But really, their behavior is not really your problem, but theirs.
Unfortunately, artists are the lowest paid people ever. We have to make choices that make us happy in this life. For me, it means being under employed, but happy in what I do. I think you need to sit down and figure some things out for yourself. Does your job make you happy? If so, then make it work, if not, maybe you need to see what else is out there for you. Things always work out, you guys will figure it all out. Just stop and listen to your own heart.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 11:36 am (UTC)Oh well.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 11:40 am (UTC)It's not that ends don't meet, but he earns a ton of money and I earn a tiny amount, and they go into one account and the bills come out of that one account. And I feel awkwardly sure that my share doesn't really cover much of anything, and any surplus that is there is his. But we did discuss it last night, and he pointed out that we'd only combined our accounts in the first place, after years of keeping them separate, when it was apparent that both of us had similar spending habits and weren't likely to spend more than our fair share. For a long time I made more than him, now it's likely he'll always make more than me now that his career is established.
But it still bugs me sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 11:45 am (UTC)I made a choice to be underemployed but happy when I took this job and didn't immediately start looking for another. But I am getting more and more responsibility at this job, and not more money, and it's getting to the point where it's trying very hard to take over my life. And I don't think I want to let it, but I have to weigh that. If I didn't have so much else going on in my life, maybe.
Sigh, yeah, I have to figure out what to do. But that takes time, which is a precious commodity I don't really have much of.
But thanks for listening! :)
no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 11:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 10:22 pm (UTC)As for the horrible co-worker incident, try not to dwell on it. You've acted with good intentions and care for this woman throughout and she's clearly having a bit of a blip. It is definitely not worth devoting time to and will just make you feel crap. Plus, she can't spell and has random capitalisation issues, so is more to be pitied than brooded on.