hoo boy

[dragonlady7]

because dude will be even more sullen at me than he has already been lately, and i can't do anything useful here, so maybe i'll just go cry in my car, of course i forgot a handkerchief, i always have one but not today, tw grief

via https://ift.tt/3tTfiZF

so it’s not friday today, apparently

i made it through all of 2020 largely intact but now this is twice this year i’ve gone through more than half of a workday fully convinced it was a day of the week that it is not.

I’m perhaps under a bit of stress, methinks. And a very close friend spent much of the weekend blowing up my phone with stressed-out texts and emails, and on Tuesday or whichever day it was that I was off work dealing with car repairs and such, I spent more than an hour answering her as she had additional little breakdowns. And then my mother’s phone wasn’t working, so I spent another probably half an hour or more texting back and forth with her about it.

With the result that I had a great deal of trouble focusing on anything else, and accomplished very little of my own that day. And then the next day at work, I was all scattered– I’m not blaming the people who needed stuff from me on Tuesday, I’m blaming unmedicated ADHD, and also whatever underlying stress made me miss February’s period so I’m currently finally on day 6 of heavy bleeding (after having literally lost sleep over my late period, which like, I don’t need that), and whatever, I’m just a fucking wreck, but

anyway, today is not Friday, the hellish Wednesday I spent not able to achieve anything was in fact only yesterday, that’s fantastic, because i had carefully counted out the food I had for this week and took the last of it today because I’m trying to clear the fridge out before we leave tomorr– err, Saturday. fuck.

And this morning as I’m at work Dude texted me to nag me to get my state tax return for the accountant, and I said well I need information from previous years’ stuff which is in the folder on your desk, and he said i have it right here go ahead so i went ahead and asked him for the info i needed and forty-five minutes later he texts back with that info, so the site had timed out and crashed and

now the state department of taxation and finance simultaneously believes that I need to give them more info and also that I already have, so their website is an endless loop for me and there’s no way out of that, there’s no online help form only FAQ’s, and their phone tree is only for help filing taxes not getting an online account reset, so there’s nothing I can do there, so

I have lost my entire shit about this, and Dude was like “well then call the accountant and let him know you can’t get the info for him” and this has sent me into spates of howling rage and now I just don’t know how to go back to living as a normal person, since I have transcended this mortal plane and now am a being of pure unfiltered fury. IDK man, maybe don’t nag me to do stuff that needs your input when you’re not really available to give it?

Of course now I’m at fault because I’ve lost my temper, so welcome to the eternity of purgatory where I live as a non-valid entity without any kind of recourse for my wrath. floats around

It’s boring as hell here, and also, the NYS Dep’t of Tax and Finance should be abbreviated as the NYS DTF and they sure are, they’re down to fuck me specifically, which unfortunately is not what I wanted out of life.

I’ve informed Dude that I’m not paying my state taxes, then, and they can come collect me and put me in prison where I can finally rot in peace. This was of course an irrational thing to say, so I am heretofore canceled and will no longer be having normal human conversations in my own household.

So that’s the state of the me, I’m trying to collect myself enough to be a productive and functional human being not just for today but apparently also for tomorrow which is maybe the worst thing I’ve ever contemplated.

Also for some reason I’m really overinvested in the fate of the Ever Given. People are going to be hurt by this! I’m so upset that this boat is stuck in the goddamned Suez Canal about which I had never really thought before in my life? I don’t know why. I can’t stop obsessively checking up on it and at first it was light-hearted and funny like “ah what can you do” but now I’m just like, on the verge of tears as I contemplate how fucked everyone is and how the people whose fault it is are never the ones who pay the price. People will die over this, surely, and the memes are fun and all but it’s so upsetting for some reason.

Also I spent a little while very specifically daydreaming about hugging each one of my family members in turn, and I even encouraged myself to do this because I thought it would help, and then nearly broke myself vividly recollecting the last time I hugged my dad, so, that was fun. I’m obviously coping extremely well, and I thought I was going to get to see them tomorrow and now tomorrow isn’t tomorrow, so that’s fucking fantastic.

I’m doing fucking great.

(Heh, I sent a stressed-out email back to the friend I’d been counseling through her breakdown and she has not responded for several hours so likely, that was not a good direction to attempt to draw support from. Whoops. Guess I’ll feel guilty about that for a while, now!) (Your picture was not posted)

Comments

[galadhir]

I am so sorry you're having such a hard time rn. But these all seem like perfectly good reasons to be having a bad time. In fact any one of them on their own would be a perfectly good reason to have a bad day, and coping with all of them at once is enough to make anyone have a meltdown, particularly on your period. You absolutely have no reason to feel guilty, and tbh it sounds like it's way past time someone stepped up and comforted you for a change.

Is there a library or a cafe with an outdoor seating area, or a scenic park or somewhere you could just go and stop for a while, drink a coffee and listen to some music? Just going and hiding somewhere and breathing for an hour or so is usually my go to in these situations

[dragonlady7]

My friend wrote back to me that she just made herself a sign for the kitchen reminding her to be strong, because there's no alternative-- nobody's going to be strong for her. (On the back, she confessed, are written guidelines reminding her how to talk so her husband will listen to her.)
That's just it-- there's no comfort, there's no real reprieve, there's nobody who'll save you, it just is what it is and you either find what comfort you can or you don't, and that's that. that's life.

I didn't get away anywhere but I did lie in the sun in my driveway, where it was lovely and sunny and nobody could see me, and cried for a while, and it helped. (there's nowhere else private, here.)

[galadhir]

Yeah. There will be days when it's better - when you feel healthier in yourself, and the flowers are out and things go easily. But on the bad days just getting through it is the best you can hope for. I'm very glad that crying helps. At least we carry our own anaesthetic with us. *Hugs*