been away

uh why is tumblr suggesting a bunch of cryptocurrency tags for this, when did that become a thing, why do you think i am going to be writing about that, uncomfy, this blue hellsite

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just spent about a month at the farm. I dialed my queue on here down to one a day because I knew I’d have so little brainpower for topping that queue up, I’d run right through and then go silent. And I was right, i’ve had almost no time to do anything useful. Mostly I’ve been working ten-hour days and then in the evenings being too tired to do more than absently scroll through tumblr or reread stuff I’ve written and then fail to add any words onto the end of it.

But I’m in Buffalo for a week, and we’ll see whether I manage any writing or sewing or what.

oh ha i wandered off from this post yesterday. it’s still here though.

so the thing about the farm that’s a bummer is that i am busy for ten to twelve hours a day and spend the rest of my time staring blankly because i’m so tired. this is a bummer, and is tiring. but i get a lot done. there are lists of things to do, other people have mostly come up with them OR they’re part of a routine so it’s easy to know what has to happen when, and when there isn’t something from the list, there’s so much other stuff that is necessary that has piled up (household things, feeding people, dishes, laundry, endless cycles of such) that there’s no difficulty in finding something to keep working on until the next designated task comes along.

the thing about not being at the farm that’s a bummer is that without all of that external momentum, I have only my feeble wits upon which to rely. I had yesterday off, free of obligations except that we went over to Dude’s mom’s house to hook up her gas grill and take some ratchet straps off a tree that was damaged in the blizzard, and also I went grocery shopping along with Dude. I only did the latter, though, because I had spent the entire day not doing jack or shit and felt kinda bad about it.

Like, I got a load of laundry done but not put away, and I made a couple of lists of things I wanted to do, but mostly I just fuckin sat around. I’m trying not to do that this whole week though. It’s not a vacation, it is me taking care of necessary things here. So I need to actually identify, prioritize, and then do those things, and it’s so much.

At the moment I am holding the cat, though, so like, I’m booked solid. (Your picture was not posted)

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inkskinned https://ridinkskinned.com/post/717942564508123136/when-youre-younger-you-make-fun-of-it-because-it :

when you’re younger you make fun of it because it seems boring but one of the best parts of getting older and maturing is recognizing how simply lovely all that cliche shit is. sunsets really are so endlessly satisfying. the hint of lilacs in the breeze really is soft and delicate and sweet. sometimes it feels good just to successfully clean the sink, to find an affordable appliance in the color you’ve been wanting, to try a new recipe, to finally get through that one television series like how you’ve been meaning.

it seemed stupid because they tell you - it’ll feel quick - but it does feel quick. when i was younger it was like time was molasses. i couldn’t get out of there fast enough. all the eras of my life stretched out into taffy. but then you are 29 on a walk with a friend and you both just stop to smell the lily of the valley at your feet. you are both standing there, quiet, enjoying the simple moment of peace.

they say it gets better a lot, which used to have no meaning to me. better for me was undefined and daunting. but here is one way it got better without me trying - a few days ago i was walking my dog and stopped to stand in a sunbeam, turning my cheeks up at the shaft of golden fairylights, the dustmotes in the wood all shivering their little dancing bodies. a stranger stopped and kind of cocked her head and said *basking? *and i laughed nervously, already moving to get out of her way. instead, she said *can i bask with you? *and we stood there, full adults, a soundless hum in our chest. when the clouds came back over the sun, we made that awkward small talk - *yeah i didn’t expect it to be this chilly! *and *haha spring allergies are comin’. *

and you pour yourself a cup of tea and are delighted when you measure the sugar ratio perfectly and you manage to parallel park correctly on the first time (probably because nobody was looking) and yoga really did help your lower back mobility and brown paper packages really *do *tug on your heartstrings and you love sweaters and furry blankets and watching your little potted plants grow one new and shining leaf and you want to find your younger self and say. yes, i am nostalgic for summers that bent like wheat and were buzzing with low energy and sleep. but darling. adulthood gets better because the time condenses into a prayerbook of your own psalms, these tender beautiful memories. it gets better because things become prettier, gentler, kinder to you - somehow. without you even noticing. you just get to the top of the hill and you realize - oh, this is the thing i’ve been missing. (Your picture was not posted)