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inkskinned https://ridinkskinned.com/post/710070588588294144/while-i-grew-up-i-had-like-7-different-versions-of :

while i grew up i had like 7 different versions of an mp3 device and i learned how to use all of them. my house had a landline and a fax and dialup and then internet and i learned how to touchtype and write in cursive. out of personal choice, i didn’t get a smartphone until kind of late in my life (23), and then i had to learn how to operate an android, which was fine, until last year, when i had to switch to iphone due to a carrier thing. which meant i had to relearn all the things i’d gotten used to; and meant sometimes i fucked up like, doing a screenshot, but - if you practice, you get used to it. if you’re like me, you had to learn how to use most apps natively (fuck a tutorial screen). you learn the culture and the lingo and how to get things on or off your “feed” which now that i think about it is disturbingly akin to “trough”. but you know “op” and “reblog” and “notes” and whatever else weird shit comes per app. because like, that’s how the world is.

the other day in therapy i mentioned that the hardest thing i had to learn was how to be kind. so much of what my heart-at-the-time wanted was to be angry. i wanted to burn down the whole world with me. my therapist tilted her head to the side. how do you feel you learned it?

my agent says i might have to get a tiktok so i can prove that my book can make money off of the internet, because that’s how books are sold these days. my book can’t be proven to be marketable because the majority of my following is on tumblr so i need to learn how to use instagram which is more profitable which is to say i need to learn to use canva. i need to get good about daily updates and reels and ring lights. maybe i will teach my dog how to write and we can have a joint account for each side of the internet. i need to learn SEO and viral viability - all of which will be outdated within a few weeks. when i first started writing this post i was going to complain about the culture of comments and how pronouns are so much easier to learn than we pretend they are - seriously, do you think your mom’s given name is “mother” or do you think she just got used to your pronoun for her - but then my computer restarted and crashed and i had to google error that says undoing changes made on my new iphone with a cracked screen protector because i learned how to use a screen protector because i am not good with technology and it’s all flashing screens and diodes and blue light and the future is now ! and it’s warm in february! and the earth is dying! but you can purchase a change for 8.99 a month with applepay layaway!

and the future is now, isn’t it. the other day i brought peanuts out to the crows that live around my apartment complex. i am going to teach them i’m kind. i’m going to teach myself how to be better than the circumstances i was raised in. i am going to be a 90’s kid for the rest of my life, i guess - i still think chokers are in.

my mom laughed when she heard my big plans for your birthday and how the baking and decorating will take 48 hours more-or-less. “you’re always doing so much for your friends. i just - where did you learn it?”

i take the little bird of rage in my heart and i open her beak and i blow into her sternum so it looks like breathing and i take the fire she gave me and i say - oh, it all hurts. it’s always been hurting. but we spent so much time learning. and now wait and see. we are going to be kind. we will be kind. god fucking help me. (Your picture was not posted)

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kindness is hard, but it's worth the effort

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inkskinned https://ridinkskinned.com/post/707827115087872001/its-been-said-before-and-im-sure-said-better :

it’s been said before and i’m sure said better than i can phrase it. but really, really - if you like making “i’m going to kill myself” jokes, please try switching to being ironically conceited instead.

anytime something goes wrong, say things like “ah well at least i’m beautiful and charming and everyone loves me.” when you forget something, try “my big huge brain is so smart and thinking about too many other very big wizardly thoughts you wouldn’t even understand.” when you’re frustrated by one of your symptoms, start talking like you’re in My Immortal. “Life has come for me but my eyes are beautiful pools of gorgeous fire and my hair is amazing. I stuck my middle finger up at life and told it to fuck off and it did.”

just… try it for a month or two. try saying the most absurdly self-congratulatory shit you can think of.

i know it’s tempting to make suicide or self-harm jokes. and for me at least, a decade ago (!) when someone suggested i stop making those kinds of jokes, i was kind of at a loss for what to replace them with. i wanted to make light of these moments, but genuinely (at the time) my first thought really was suicidal ideation. there was a part of me that even felt like … i was kind of “making light” of that voice. that if i could say i want to die lol, it would help take the sting out of that genuine (albeit passive) desire. like i could turn my illness into a joke.

when i started complimenting myself instead, it felt awkward and stupid. it felt really, really ironic. what i was actually saying was nobody would ever think this stuff about me, that’s what makes it so fucking funny.

but. the effect was immediate. first thing i noticed was the people around me. when i dropped a glass and said ah my skin is too beautiful and sleek the glass has swooned and broken for me, other people were suddenly overjoyed to jump in with the joke. rather than making an awkward moment, we’d both start cracking up. ah princess sleek hands, i’ve heard of you.

i was 19. i hadn’t noticed i’d been making others tense when i said i want it all to end. i know now that it’s incredibly hard to know how to walk that moment - do you talk to them about your concern? do you potentially make them uncomfortable by asking if they’re okay? do you ignore the situation? do you help them pick up the glass, or do they need to do it by themselves? are they genuinely made suicidal over this small moment? and most importantly, how do you - without professional training or supplies - actually help?

most people want to help you pick up the glass in your life, they just have no fucking idea how to do it. they don’t want to make anything worse. they don’t want to make assumptions about you. they love you, they’re scared for you - and being scared makes people kind of freeze up. it’s not because they don’t love you. it’s because they do.

now when something bad happens, my first thought is how can i make a stupid joke about this. it isn’t my brain saying you’re a dumb fucking bitch. i spend more time laughing. i spend more time being gentle with myself. i spend more time feeling good.

and the thing is - what’s kind of funny - is that you’d be surprised by how many people agree with you. the first time i said i’m too pretty to understand that, someone else said to be fair you’re the prettiest person in this room. i promise - you really don’t know how kindly your friends see you. but they love you for a reason. they sort of reverse-velveteen-rabbit you. your weird and ugly spots fade away and you just become… the love they want to give you.

go love yourself ironically. the worst thing that happens is that you end up tricking your reflection into actually loving you. (Your picture was not posted)