that lil sleepy emoji guy

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that’s me. sleepy.

I got myself together yesterday morning and packed up and left the farm. I’d texted Dude that I’d bring some vegetables, but he always gets so stressed when I bring a bunch of food back, that I ended up just… not. Of course he’d made a meal plan for the week incorporating “random veggies” as part of at least one meal, so, now I have to go buy some veggies. But listen there wasn’t a lot going spare in that walk-in cooler and I didn’t feel like pawing through the ambitious turnips. So, no real regrets.

He was out, still shopping, when I got home after a long, boring, but entirely uneventful drive, and that meant the cat had all this time to tell me her woes, and talk about how nobody had petted or fed her in the entire week I’d been gone.

[image description: a small gray cat with green eyes gives the camera a close-up look that I happen to know is lovey eyes but the camera captured it as a mildly annoyed look; my hand is scratching her chest]

Hey I don’t know how to put alt text on images, it occurs to me, and that’s annoying as fuck, I just clicked all around and if you embed an image like this there’s no setting I can find? Do I have to click over to the HTML view and add it there? I know how to do it by hand, but I don’t like to fuck with the HTML view on Tumblr because it is as you might imagine kind of a nightmare. Anyway I’ve been avoiding their “Look a shiny new post editor!” because I’ve been on this site long enough to know that it sucks and if I opt in early I won’t be able to opt out without doing weird refresh tricks. So anyway, clunky descriptions it is, y’all.

So anyway, Dude got home from grocery shopping and had bought me a tiny cake, which delighted me right down to my toes. He was also much more enthusiastic about me coming back than he had been last time; I think he’d been distracted and i hadn’t felt well, but it was nice to have neither be the case this time.

I am not horribly horribly sore today but I am tired, like, bone-and-muscle weary. I woke of course at 5 and couldn’t fall back asleep but I did get a lot of cat snuggles; she loves it when I wake up early and she can crawl all over my face and get attention. I’ll take it, over the catshenanigans that tormented me at my sister’s– THOSE cats wanted me to go up and down the extremely steep stairs at my sister’s house to indulge their whims, and that’s not a thing I like at all. I don’t really mind being awakened for pettings, if they don’t involve me leaving the bed.

Also of course my precious kitten is the best cat, so, indulging her whims is no trouble at all, but that’s how that works.

I fell asleep on the couch at 8pm and had to wake myself up to go to bed. Now I’m at work doing simultaneous 8mm and VHS transfers. This one’s upside-down and backwards so I have to rewind it first. Annoyinggggg. (Your picture was not posted)

caffeinewitchcraft:fremedon:destinyislandwanderer:Thoughts from an inadequate fanfiction authorI...

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Thoughts from an inadequate fanfiction author

I just read a Reddit post about feelings of inadequacy and jealousy in relation to other’s writing, that clawing in your stomach when you read something that is so gripping, so incredibly paced, or simply so wildly popular (dripping with kudos, comments, what have you) that you just want to quit, because you can’t write like that, you will never be as talented, as popular, etc, etc.

It’s such a ugly emotion that I hate to even admit to it, but I just feel like so many writers need to hear this and need to know they are not alone when they’re overcome with this feeling.

The thing that has really helped me is remembering that I’m the only person on earth who can tell the stories I tell.

Every person has a history and background that makes them uniquely capable of creating what they do.

I try to equate it to music. There are indie artists whose music I adore (Bright Eyes is a band that specifically comes to mind). What if your favorite band listened to Mozart or Beyoncé and thought, I will never be as talented at composing as Mozart or as famous as Beyonce, and therefore, I will never write another song.

How sad would you be, how bereft, if the artists you love gave up because they weren’t “the best?”

You are that perfect writer, not to everyone, but to someone.

That means something. It is so difficult to remember, but it all comes back to self-esteem. You are worthwhile and your writing is worthwhile NOT because it’s the best, but because there’s only one person in the world who could write it, and there is someone out there who needs to read it. Maybe you can make a stranger smile or feel or laugh, if only for a minute, and what an incredible gift that is.

So I urge you not to dim your shine for any reason. Keep going, find your audience, get better, KEEP AT IT. The worst thing you can do is give up, because that’s the only sure way you will never be that kind of amazing writer you wish to emulate.

If you’re curious, I wrote in college, then took a 10 year break due to feelings of inadequacy after having writer’s block and receiving a lukewarm response to some chapters I posted. I decided 2020 was my year and have written 42 works (some short stories, some long ones) since January. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let anything stop me from enjoying my hobby again, and that’s why I want to encourage myself and others to feed their passions. 

Tags from everyonewasabird​:

oh yeah this is Very much a thing #but also i’d so much rather turn it

towards supporting the people who are doing amazing work #like #fuck that starvation mindset #that says somebody else being great is a bad thing for me personally https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/oh+yeah+this+is+Very+much+a+thing

SO MUCH THIS. Just about the fastest and most certain way to short-circuit that kind of jealousy is to make friends with other writers and artists. There is nothing as exciting and inspiring as seeing a fantastic story or vid or drawing and going “My friend made that!” (Unless it’s seeing a fantastic story that you got to beta and going “My friend made that, and I HELPED!”)

And on a good day, that kind of pride can be so huge it spills over onto writers you don’t even know. Mary Sue Genius-Writer posted another incredible chapter? WOW. Look what YOUR FANDOM did! You’re part of a community that creates stuff like that! Good for Mary Sue–she must have worked SO HARD. She should be SO PROUD.

I’m not saying I never get jealous. But I’ve been in fandom long enough, and making friends and watching them create fantastic art, that when I see something really amazing–even if it’s by a stranger–my first emotion is often pride, because I have so many memories of feeling that kind of pride about works that I’ve betaed or helped research or just watched take shape. Jealousy has to fight through that pride to get to the surface. The more time you spend engaging with other writers’ work constructively, the thicker that layer of pride gets, and the harder it is to feel very jealous for very long.

I agree with the poster above and think that’s exactly the way to ward off the wrong sort of jealousy. It’s super not healthy to feel defeated by someone else’s victory–there’s every reason to celebrate it with them! And I think being in the community is a great way to keep that in mind.

Keeping in mind that the OP is 10000% right and that you are the perfect writer to someone out there, I’m going to hijack this post a little for those working on their craft who might grapple with jealousy. Being brutally bitter about someone else’s success is not healthy…

But not all jealousy is bad! Jealousy is a tool. *When I read something and feel jealous, I know that there’s something there that I don’t know how to do but desperately want to learn. *

Work with your jealousy. Ask it out to tea and find out the why behind it. Is it the natural dialogue? The pacing? A neat transition? A compelling emotional journey? Break it down as far as you can, study it, learn from it.

Once you’ve got a good handle on it, feel free to send a little thank you note ( or congratulatory letter) to the writer who inspired you to expand your toolbox. (Your picture was not posted)