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been a minute since i was on here.
we escaped a terrible lake-effect snowstorm and made it to Rochester on
Saturday, arriving around 3pm. we started drinking and eating cheese, and
had much merriment. It just felt– so nice to pretend to be normal. (I’d
cleared the mingling of COVID pods with everyone for the occasion.)
We did some Witchering that night, which I’ll write up separately. I felt
so reassured. It just felt normal. And it was fun to see the kids and all.
[cut for length; writing from my mom’s house]
The next morning we hung out a bit and then hit the Thruway, in patchy sun,
no snow at all, smooth enough sailing the rest of the way. Except at one
point, like immediately after we passed the Indian Castle rest stop, Dude
was like “oh I need to get gas when’s the next one” and I looked it up and
was like ‘oh it’s only like 25 miles, that’d be good I guess I could use a
potty break” and he was like “oh I’ll run out of gas in 10.” which like.
What the fuck bro, I plan my rest stops meticulously and would never in a
hundred thousand years even contemplate cutting it that close? So I had
to frantically Google, and we had to get off at the Fultonville Quick Stop,
which mostly serves trucks and features showers you can pay for around
back, and like. What the fuck. Anyway. Also they had no credit card readers
on the pumps, so I had to go inside. I was pleasantly astonished to find
the cashier putting a mask on as I walked in, so that was better than it
might have been. (Also I could’ve bought a Trump 2020 mask for $4.99 right
by the register.) (I did NOT pee in the “please pay for truck parking
before you shower” restroom, I held it the rest of the way to the farm.)
We survived. A couple of minutes before we got to the farm, Middle-Little
called, clearly from her car, warning us they’d just closed Rte 2 for an
apparent car accident, but we’d passed that point already. We arrived at
the farm just as Farmsister was wandering across the yard to put something
away, so she helped me unload the car. And then that very moment, Mom and
Elder Sister pulled in. Middle-Little came in a few minutes later, with
wild tales of having to suddenly detour, but not much delayed overall.
I had sort of expected a big emotional scene, but we just all each hugged
each other, and then went inside and had a beer and then took a lovely walk
all around the farm.
We swapped tales of how we were holding up. Mom said her advice now to
anyone wishing to know what to say to a bereaved person was not to be
really invasive in questioning about what had happened. At least one person
had pushed her as far as “Well, I found him dead in the bathroom” and had
not been foisted off by that but had persisted “Well, and???” and she was
like “how is that not enough detail. How. Do you want to know how cold he
was? His coloring? Whether there were fluids and if so, what? Come on.”
So like. There’s the distilled thing.
I said the thing that was surprising to me, but that Dude had warned me of
concretely, was that of course people who were just seeing you to give
condolences would be in that moment much more emotional than you, and so
you wind up having to deal with your ongoing life-altering crushing grief
and also some distant relation or not-well-known acquaintance literally
hanging off you and weeping while you’re like, trying to live your life.
I’m spared much of it by COVID, and of course it’s an understandable human
thing, but it’s kind of surprising to be like “oh hey so and so hi nice to
see you” and they’re like “A-BLOO-HOO-SOB-HOO” and you have to be like
“there there yes my world is in shambles but you know how it is, pip pip
cheerio”.
It’s hard to know, I suppose, how to act, and I don’t expect I’ll be any
less awkward myself. And I have found myself wanting to tell people,
because the circumstances were so unfair. I did get the full story out of
my mom and sisters, the whole blow-by-blow recounting of the morning– Mom
called Farmsister first, who stayed on the line with her as she called the
ambulance from the other phone and waited until they showed up and then
when Mom hung up, Farmsister called Middle-Little and had her go directly
to the house to be with Mom. (M-L said she watched the whole drive for an
ambulance coming the other direction, since she lives in the city where the
nearest hospitals are, and was driving on the only road that connects
directly– but they did not transport him to a hospital, as it happened.)
Anyway. I don’t need to get more into that, but knowing more– it probably
does help.
We did a little impromptu late Christmas, and Farmkid was delighted to get
more presents. I got some fiber stuff– bobbins and two ornate niddy-noddies
and a cat toy for Chita– and got to give Farmsister her presents, including
a pair of pants that had taken an incredible journey by Fedex tracking.
I… it’s weird, is all. Today we went over to Mom’s house, but this entry’s
getting long and I haven’t been sleeping well and I need to try to do that,
so maybe tomorrow I can take a minute to write about going to Mom’s house
and seeing the will and the search for the missing pistol magazine and so
on. I had some fun posts in Instagram Stories I’ll have to move over to my
grid, too. But it’ll keep, I’m going to sleep.
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