canvas

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So in late May when I was going to come to the farm finally I was pondering how unlikely it was that I was going to get a tiny house of any kind built to replace the yurt, and in that moment someone linked me to a sale on canvas bell tents that was happening, and I was like, ah! a solution! and bought one.

And then it never arrived, and I sort of gave up, and since then it was suggested I should find a shitty camper or something and try to get that set up out there, so i’ve been low-key pondering that and yet don’t have any money so have made no strides to see it happen.

Well, the canvas tent is going to be arriving, Tuesday. (I am going back to Buffalo… today.) 

So now I’m trying to think about what on earth I should do with this tent. It’s mid-July, I’m in a much different place than I was in late May. 

I don’t have any furniture that would particularly suit in the tent. I have a camping cot but it’s sort of weirdly tall, and the tent slopes in on the sides so I might wind up having to put that in the middle, only there’s a pole, so it might not fit in there at all, and the walls might slope in too much. But I don’t know! What’s going to happen is I’m going to have to set it up and then find out. 

Anyway. I’ve been okay staying in the guest room, it’s just that in the heat you have to keep the door open and so there’s no privacy at all, the door is right by the top of the stairs so anyone going up or down the stairs just looks straight in at the bed where I am, so like. I mean, whatever, but. The other thing that makes the guest room unsuitable is that there’s only one, so when BIL’s out of state family comes to visit I have to get turfed out of the room and find other digs somewhere. And that’s not happening, with the pandemic, so. 

I have a gift card at amazon loaded up from some work thing, so I can buy a few things on there at least without having any money. I miss sleeping out in the woods a little bit– I don’t see the sunrise or sunset if I’m sleeping indoors, and I don’t appreciate the rain in the same way, and I miss that time to myself, but it’s also a lot of worry and hassle out there. So IDK if I really want to bother with the tent??? But I also really do. So. I mean. There’s that. 

Anyway, I’m struggling to conceptualize it; it means I have to really accept that the yurt’s gone and I didn’t just not set it up for some reason this year. The nice wooden platform for the yurt also burned, so I have to set the tent on the ground, which means really I need to go level a spot. I’m not going to put it in the ash circle, no thanks; I need to clear up the scrap metal my dad carefully collected and then left there (I swear he said he was going to do something with it, but obviously he did not, and obviously it is my job, but since he had indicated he’d handle it I had been not thinking about it, and now I have to), and I also need to figure out what to do with all the burnt ends of the timbers of the platform that he carefully collected into a pile– I guess those should be taken up to the burn pile, if they’re going!– and I guess I just need to think about a lot of things which I just haven’t been. 

I have a feeling I need to actually physically see the thing first, I just can’t make myself think it through. 

Anyhow I’m going back to Buffalo. I don’t know if I mentioned here, last time I was in Buffalo I stopped by my workplace. Now, i’d been texting with my supervisor there, and he’d said “well, we’re reopening part-time, but I’d thought you should probably wait to come back until later” so I was like okay then. So I went in and he was there and he was like “oh my god are you coming back ever? do you even want this job anymore?” and I was like… “you said come back later and then never texted me again, I sort of figured it was in your court?” and he was like “no I’ve been waiting to hear from you” …. buddy this communication is in writing which you could have reviewed at any time?? and I was like well I’m headed to the farm this week because those are the plans I made in the absence of having heard anything else, so we’ll talk about it when I get back, and he was like i haven’t had a day off in seven months  and I was like it has not been seven months? but anyway. (also. our bosses. don’t pay you much, man. if you were like. i need to take a day off. and no one can cover me. they would have to figure something out. please stop putting this on me. but anyway.)

then he was like “oh but i can’t wear masks for long periods of time” and I’m like this office is ten feet by ten feet, you are asking me to become your co-isolation buddy and you won’t even friend me on facebook, this is a lot, but I had to go and we did not address it.

So I am going to talk to him this week and maybe start going back to work. but i don’t want to, that job sort of sucks and pays me shit. but. i need something, all our bills are going to come due and the fact that UI hasn’t actually paid out is going to become a problem (and even if UI *does* pay out, it won’t do so indefinitely going forward) and i’m not prepared to start looking for anything else in this economy. and i’d been thinking the farm didn’t need me now that they have a better employee infrastructure, but then i’ve been indispensable again and every time i leave they’re like “when are u coming back”. so like. idk. i d k and there’s no right answer of what to do. of course. 

(One of these years I was hoping I’d be able to get a paid position on the farm but as it turns out, I’m indispensable but not good at any farming tasks, so that’s not going to work out– and if it did, well, I have this house in Buffalo containing this dude who absolutely will not move, and also my actual personal life, and I don’t want to just meld into the farm because I find the work meaningful but don’t really *have* a personal life here, and can’t even work on writing very much, which is like, the only hobby I have that I care deeply about, so. Some work I could do remotely would be ideal, and that’s been teased at the job I have, but I also feel like it won’t really happen so it’s sort of dumb to get excited about it.) 

Maybe I just don’t believe in reality thoroughly enough. it’s really hard to make decisions when none of it seems really real, even when you’re living through it… 

theclashofqueens: favorite character meme: [5/7 scenes]

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theclashofqueens:

favorite character meme: [5/7 scenes]

ancient sea progress: Geralt’s Formative Porn,

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I did manage to make some progress the last couple of days on Ancient Sea– the scene where a particular character is browsing through Geralt’s bookshelves and finds a promisingly worn cover and the cracked spine opens it to a suitably well-worn page containing some scene that was certainly formative to Geralt’s budding awareness of sexuality when he was an impressionable youth.

I read a bunch of this translation of Amadis of Gaul, thinking that was certainly the very model of the chivalric novel, and figured I’d try to write a bodice-ripper sex scene in that mode of storytelling and see how I did.

It turned out almost embarrassingly vanilla, which hadn’t been my original intention, but on reflection it is actually perfect that it turned out like that. 

And then she did unfasten her kirtle, and letting it drop to the ground she stood before him altogether bare, and the sight of her radiant form completely arrested him. But in a moment his wits returned to him, and he turned his face away, saying Nay, my lady! I am not worthy of such treatment.

She took his hands in hers and, climbing upon the bed, pressed his wrists against the head-board, that he could not move, and such was his condition from the many wounds he had received and the exhaustion of the fighting that her delicate strength exceeded his in that moment, and he could not wrest free, and feared to try lest he injure her flawless limbs. She pressed herself to him, and he could not but yield to her, and in but a brief space after, all his thoughts of duty and self-denial had fled. 

She bade him leave his hands affixed to the headboard as she had placed them, and he could not but do as she asked. With his body thus restrained only by her words, she set about bestowing upon him his reward…

[geralt, aged 12: omg NUT
yennefer, aged 98: !!! this is hilarious 
jaskier, aged 42: aw that’s adorable, baby do you want me to hold your wrists and tell you you’re good? Yen don’t be mean.
geralt, aged 104: omg NUT
yennefer, aged 98: okay, okay, it’s adorable, sheesh *pets him*
geralt, aged 104, slightly quieter: omg NUT]

There’s some distinctly Less Vanilla stuff on that shelf that later Yennefer and Jaskier are going to find, [cut for Less Vanilla which is meant as a humorous thing but is going, in the final draft, to require an incredible list of warnings for Fantasy Noncon of the classic bodice-ripper Unrealistic type where everyone totally gets off on all of it but feels slightly ashamed of themselves afterward because it’s incredibly gross]

certainly including one [which for the record was surely not one of Geralt’s favorite books] where a Fair Damsel is bodice-ripped by Some Hideous Enormous Monster in extremely, ridiculously fantastically non-plausible ways, like super-gross hentai tentacle porn style by something non-human-scale at all in ways that are completely incompatible with human or any other anatomy, and they’re laughing and doing dramatic readings of it to each other (Our Dear Heroine is simultaneously being body-horrored with a phallus like larger than her actual body kind of deal and also having improbably constant orgasms, it’s that kind of porn) and Geralt’s like hmph, that’s just unrealistic (because when has he ever been able to let unrealistic depictions of monsters go by) and Yen and Jaskier turn and stare at him like… you’d know this because you’ve personally been ravished by an [enormous creature]’s monster dong, eh? and Geralt blushes bright red and is like No! No! I just mean– of course not! that’s just not how [enormous creature]s act and they’re like suuuuuuuuure tell us more about the monster dong Geralt

so then they have to roleplay it and Geralt’s like no way that’s gross and yet somehow gets talked into being the damsel getting ravished (jaskier is extremely persuasive, especially when naked, and actually, yeah, Geralt is super a monsterfucker), and I mean, Yen’s got illusion magic so it’s simultaneously convincing and clearly fantastical, and hoo boy it’s completely implausible but also super, super hot.

And afterward Geralt’s brain is fried enough by a stupefying orgasm that he actually admits all the various times he’s fucked or been fucked by monsters, which as it turns out is kind of a lot, even for a Witcher, because our dear boy is kind of, well, a monsterfucker. 

[jaskier, aged 42: i thought *i* was a slut
yennefer, aged 98: you, my dear bard, are what we call an amateurgeralt, aged 104: did i say all of those things out loud????? fuck]

writing-and-nutmeg:When you write an amazing line and

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writing-and-nutmeg:

When you write an amazing line and can’t tell if you’re a genius or just accidentally plagiarized it from a book you read seven years ago: