office job

I can't make myself CARE about this.
it's a lot of fiddly little stuff I can't focus enough to work on and also none of it is in any way important or interesting or enticing.

oh man. I'm so fucking bored here. This is bad.

I'm also really grouchy because I begged my coworker to please stop throwing away the printed-on-half-of-half-of-one-side sheets of paper he uses for every note and every transaction. We have a little inbox tray thing I collect them in, and I draw a line through the used portion and then print on the backs when I need to print a list or a transaction report or whatever, and then when it's full I take it home to burn in the woodstove. There's literally no reason not to reuse the sheets of paper and it takes basically the same amount of effort of going out and buying more reams of paper and reloading the printer drawer, it just means you have to pay attention to whether you're printing out something that needs clean paper or if you can print it on reused paper. But if you factor in driving to fucking OfficeMax, it's not really any extra effort. When I'm there, I can cut our paper use by like, a ream a week. It's a distressing amount. (I get that I'm nutty about it and will squeeze four transaction reports on a sheet by using front/back top/bottom, but why the fuck not? They're internal only and it's obvious what's what by the direction of the printing!)
But he won't, and the first thing I did when I got in this morning was to pick out all the printed-two-lines-on-one-side blank sheets of paper out of the garbage full of empty coffee cups and food waste and so on.
(I got about thirty sheets of reusable paper that way, and that was without digging down to the bottom.)

So at this point it feels like a deliberate fuck you, like the anti-vegetarians who are like "I'll eat two animals for every one you don't", like, it's just being done to upset me. I can't see how it benefits him. It's not even laziness, it feels like malice.

Oh well, he's not in today, so like, whatever, but I had to get that off my chest.

Yes, this is the kind of thing where I think, hmm, maybe that ADHD has shades of OCD in it, but listen as long as I can still function, and I'm not asking him to do anything weird, there were paper recycling bins in my elementary school classrooms, it's not even like this is unusual or eccentric. It's like. Basic trash separation.
I fear to ask whether he recycles at home. Like, I get that it doesn't matter, but do you just never think of it?? I mean what's it like to live like that???


I asked the same of my BFF in a text message yesterday. The kitchen, when I got home, had clearly been hastily and recently tidied, but the stove top was covered in the coffee grounds from his daily moka pot for the entire three weeks, and the kitchen counter had clearly not been wiped off one time during my entire absence and was growing things, and there was an active composting experiment going on in the sink strainer baskets. "What is it like," I wondered to her, "to have been raised as a man in this society, and just not... either see or care one bit about such things?"

various updates

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oh so the mysterious pain in my… organs?? that was so horrible last week?

I took an Advil in the evening after suffering all day trying to pinpoint what was wrong, and the pain went away and then it never came back. So… that was fucked-up. It had recurred on more than one day, and had been pretty severe, and had lasted a very very long time, and then it faded and then it just. Went away. I suppose I’m grateful but I’m also deeply unnerved. I had thought it would develop into a UTI or something– I’m very fortunate, I’m not prone to them, I haven’t had a single UTI since college and even then I never needed antibiotics, I toughed it out with a lot of water and some cranberry juice and Suffering, right? And I just. Haven’t had one since. Which is lucky as shit, and I know that. So uhhh maybe my Super Bladder was fighting one off? Clearly whatever it was, there was inflammation that the naproxen sodium took care of, and then it was just. Gone. IDK! IDK. 

Then my sister came up from Maryland for the long weekend and I got entirely and fully sucked into Family Doings and then it was a chicken processing day and then I drove back to Buffalo, so. 

I did add a tour of how poultry processing goes to my Instagram Story, which is in a highlight together with the tour of the facility I did two weeks ago. Glitchy as fuck page won’t load but if you look for Poultry Processing on my main instagram page it’s in there. [https://www.instagram.com/bomberqueen17/]

I came home to a gross kitchen and evidence of a very recent sort of tidying and know Dude was living in utter squalor almost the whole time, but he did actually accomplish some things (including flushing the new hot water heater, which is periodic maintenance it needs, so that’s cool that he worked that out because I never would have), but you’d think a guy who owns the plumbing would be a little more on the ball about not having active composting going on in the sink strainer baskets. It was gross. I don’t know what it’s like to be a man and able to just not care about things like that; I know it’s not biological but it’s definitely upbringing. Anyway.

I have so much laundry and stuff to do, and my life is just scattered in boxes across multiple counties, and I’ve got to get up in seven minutes and make myself somehow presentable to go to work and I really don’t know how I’m going to accomplish that, but. Hey. Every time I successfully drive across the state and don’t hydroplane to my death or whatever it’s a tiny victory.

Oh I managed to make the drive go a little faster by listening to podcasts. I tried one last time to do the Penumbra Podcast because so many people recced it to me, and I bounced off once and for all– the sound quality is what did it, the women’s voices are all miked to unlistenable shrillness, the male protagonist does have an attractive voice but then he mumbles a lot, it goes from painfully loud to mumbling incoherence in the sound mix, to the point that I literally can’t follow what’s happening sometimes, and I had blamed my headphones but my car stereo does the same thing and my car has pretty goddamned good speakers. So, subject matter notwithstanding, I cannot physically listen to that podcast. (Also, literally ten minutes of the episode were various characters repetitively and circularly berating the main character for his personality flaws, and then at the end he reacted with the same bad coping mechanisms as he’d begun the two-part episode with, and I thought, I don’t have time for this, why are they saying the same things fifteen times.) So not everything works for everybody and that one’s not gonna work for me. 

But then I tried literally the only other podcast whose name I could remember, which was Alice Isn’t Dead, and got happily absorbed into that– there’s only one voice in it, the sound effects aren’t horribly painful, nobody shrieks and then mumbles, and it’s an absorbing story well-told with an intriguing premise. I can’t listen to creepy but it manages not to go over that line– it’s scary, sure, and uncanny, but it’s not like oh monsters are going to chew through your wall any moment kind of stuff. So that’s fine. 

I don’t think I’m ready to start listening to talk-radio-style podcasts. I get that literally everyone does them and they’re so cool and so on and so forth but I remain skeptical. Farmsister is basically constantly listening to audiobooks and podcasts at all times, she’s got grungy headphones going up through her shirt from the leather holster she wears her phone and pruners and planting knife in just all the time as she walks around and does dishes and digs holes and whatnot, and I just can’t get into it. Partly because my phone has no headphone jack…