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!! I feel trapped. I don't want to be here.
Mostly I feel shiftless.
I have nothing fun to look forward to here.
I can't even apply to jobs. All my job search stuff is on my computer. MOm keeps throwing the classified ads from the local paper at me.
How many times have i said I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE GOD DAMN CAPITAL DISTRICT. I don't want to. I want to go to New York City. I've said this to mom on three or four separate occasions now. She simply doesn't hear me.
But I have no sources to use to search for jobs anywhere else at the moment either. Mom is indignant; this computer is, after all, online.
But I've spent six months accumulating bookmarks on my own computer. I can't just... reduplicate that. Zowie! The Internet! It's all there! Wow, I can find jobs no problem here!
Right. No.
So I have a modem, and Dad said he had the stuff to string a phone line to my computer, so he could easily do that.
...
...
yes?
Well, he's busy the rest of this week.
...
Fine then, I'll go buy my own stuff, and string my own phone line. Do they think I'm not eager to resume my job search? Handing me the classified ads for Bumblefuck, NY isn't really going to be as effective as stringing me a fucking phone line. Really.
I'm seriously considering just getting a job at the retailer where fiona works, working like 30 hours a week, and getting my own goddamn apartment. If only I could get a place for like $200/mo. with a renewable-by-the-month lease. Yah.
So Mom and Dad flipped out at us all last night for having our crap all over the house and making no effort to clean up. Poor Fiona took it really hard; she has everything she owns either crammed into her room, or in the storage space in the garage, except for one duffel bag that she had moved into Ann's room, because she'd brought it home a week early, packed solidly, and Ann had opened it and strewn the contents about her room in order to borrow Fiona's clothes, without her permission. So, furious, Fiona dragged the bag (which would have to be unpacked to be repacked) down the hall and wedged it into a corner of ann's room, so that she'd have a place to sleep (it was on her bed). Ann flipped out, and, get this, decided to sleep ON THE SOFA downstairs so that we could use her room as storage. I had just arranged the junk in her room so that she could get into and out of bed, get to her dresser, get to two of the room's doors, and walk around her bed entirely without tripping on anything, so I found this hilarious, and lost lots and lots of respect for her. Mom also laughed at Ann and agreed that she was in the wrong.
Until last night, when suddenly both parents and Ann all decided that Fiona's duffel bag was the last straw, and shouted at both of us for being so disorganized and selfish. Fiona and I protested somewhat weakly-- my retort to MOm was well, have you LOOKED in my room? She had not, and thus had no idea whether I'd been doing any work or not. Later when I went up to my room, my light was on, but I have no idea why; I don't use the overhead light in my room. Nobody has said they turned it on...
Anyhow, immediately after all the shouting, Ann apologized to Fiona and said she didn't have to remove the duffel bag after all. So, obviously it wasn't the bag that was the problem; it was that our parents had been on our side that had been Ann's problem. THe moment our parents decided to be on her side, Ann was all sweetness to us. Because after that, no matter what happens, she wins. From now on, our welcome is officially worn out, and Ann is once again the angel-child. So she came and embraced first Fiona's and then my knees, as we sat stony-faced in the living room waiting for our parents to go to bed so that we could actually do some work, perhaps. Very nice, Ann. The fact remains that you wouldn't say a civil word to us for five days running, until you finally got Mom and Dad to flip out at us. Especially Fiona, I will say; I've never been a rival of Ann's. Still, I've lost most of the respect I had for her as an adult; she's proven herself to be the big baby Fiona always said she was. WHich is disappointing, because I always thought she was the best sister to play with.
Ah well. I'm reverting now, to my 8th-11th grade self-- I hide in my room when people are home, and avoid whatever activities they do. Why? Because I can't do anything right for my mother, and she doesn't listen when I explain what I'm doing. She goes out of her way to tell me to do what I'm already doing, so naturally, being a stubborn and individualistic person, that means I have to STOP what I was doing. Just because the way she says it, it's like it wouldn't occur to me to do the thing that makes the most sense... I hate it, I hate it so completely that I can't even function, but there's nothing I can do about it. So I will most likely become nocturnal, to avoid her and the rest as much as possible. I need to find a job within the next two weeks, so that I can leave before they start being home full-time from school. But until I get my computer online, i can't even figure out how to look for a job, unless I want to be a secretary in fucking Amsterdam.
And add into that the fact that I'm lonely as hell, and none of my email is getting forwarded to any addresses that I can check, and you have a pretty fucking miserable me. I feel totally isolated. There are only two people that ever email me, and the one of them sent me something today that AOL doesn't recognize as an email, so I can't even open it, and nobody comments on my livejournal anymore. SO I feel like I've dropped off the face of the earth, and am in some sunny, floral-bedecked netherworld. I'm overeating and not exercising, I can't even enjoy petting the cats, and Fiona follows me around all day mewling in some kind of desperate depression that I am helpless to alleviate. If I go somewhere, I can't enjoy it because I'm supposed to be here working to fit into my room; if I stay here and try to organize my room, I'm miserable.
So, that's my whingey whining of the day, and I'm off to try to buy phone cord to get my computer online to maybe find a job somewhere. But I have no faith; in the last six months I applied to about a hundred jobs, and heard back from two; one wanted me immediately, and was no longer interested when they found that it would be another month before I could relocate, and the other had just gone out of business and wanted me to know that I'd been a strong candidate. I have nearly no leads, no prospects; nobody I know is getting jobs, I feel helpless and unqualified. It's just an entirely soul-numbing experience.
I should just go get a job somewhere as a waitress. Maybe that's what I really should do; find a good location, get three jobs, eat only ramen.
I don't know. I seem to be out of options, and the current situation is untenable but sticky to get out of.
ARGH.
Mostly I feel shiftless.
I have nothing fun to look forward to here.
I can't even apply to jobs. All my job search stuff is on my computer. MOm keeps throwing the classified ads from the local paper at me.
How many times have i said I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE GOD DAMN CAPITAL DISTRICT. I don't want to. I want to go to New York City. I've said this to mom on three or four separate occasions now. She simply doesn't hear me.
But I have no sources to use to search for jobs anywhere else at the moment either. Mom is indignant; this computer is, after all, online.
But I've spent six months accumulating bookmarks on my own computer. I can't just... reduplicate that. Zowie! The Internet! It's all there! Wow, I can find jobs no problem here!
Right. No.
So I have a modem, and Dad said he had the stuff to string a phone line to my computer, so he could easily do that.
...
...
yes?
Well, he's busy the rest of this week.
...
Fine then, I'll go buy my own stuff, and string my own phone line. Do they think I'm not eager to resume my job search? Handing me the classified ads for Bumblefuck, NY isn't really going to be as effective as stringing me a fucking phone line. Really.
I'm seriously considering just getting a job at the retailer where fiona works, working like 30 hours a week, and getting my own goddamn apartment. If only I could get a place for like $200/mo. with a renewable-by-the-month lease. Yah.
So Mom and Dad flipped out at us all last night for having our crap all over the house and making no effort to clean up. Poor Fiona took it really hard; she has everything she owns either crammed into her room, or in the storage space in the garage, except for one duffel bag that she had moved into Ann's room, because she'd brought it home a week early, packed solidly, and Ann had opened it and strewn the contents about her room in order to borrow Fiona's clothes, without her permission. So, furious, Fiona dragged the bag (which would have to be unpacked to be repacked) down the hall and wedged it into a corner of ann's room, so that she'd have a place to sleep (it was on her bed). Ann flipped out, and, get this, decided to sleep ON THE SOFA downstairs so that we could use her room as storage. I had just arranged the junk in her room so that she could get into and out of bed, get to her dresser, get to two of the room's doors, and walk around her bed entirely without tripping on anything, so I found this hilarious, and lost lots and lots of respect for her. Mom also laughed at Ann and agreed that she was in the wrong.
Until last night, when suddenly both parents and Ann all decided that Fiona's duffel bag was the last straw, and shouted at both of us for being so disorganized and selfish. Fiona and I protested somewhat weakly-- my retort to MOm was well, have you LOOKED in my room? She had not, and thus had no idea whether I'd been doing any work or not. Later when I went up to my room, my light was on, but I have no idea why; I don't use the overhead light in my room. Nobody has said they turned it on...
Anyhow, immediately after all the shouting, Ann apologized to Fiona and said she didn't have to remove the duffel bag after all. So, obviously it wasn't the bag that was the problem; it was that our parents had been on our side that had been Ann's problem. THe moment our parents decided to be on her side, Ann was all sweetness to us. Because after that, no matter what happens, she wins. From now on, our welcome is officially worn out, and Ann is once again the angel-child. So she came and embraced first Fiona's and then my knees, as we sat stony-faced in the living room waiting for our parents to go to bed so that we could actually do some work, perhaps. Very nice, Ann. The fact remains that you wouldn't say a civil word to us for five days running, until you finally got Mom and Dad to flip out at us. Especially Fiona, I will say; I've never been a rival of Ann's. Still, I've lost most of the respect I had for her as an adult; she's proven herself to be the big baby Fiona always said she was. WHich is disappointing, because I always thought she was the best sister to play with.
Ah well. I'm reverting now, to my 8th-11th grade self-- I hide in my room when people are home, and avoid whatever activities they do. Why? Because I can't do anything right for my mother, and she doesn't listen when I explain what I'm doing. She goes out of her way to tell me to do what I'm already doing, so naturally, being a stubborn and individualistic person, that means I have to STOP what I was doing. Just because the way she says it, it's like it wouldn't occur to me to do the thing that makes the most sense... I hate it, I hate it so completely that I can't even function, but there's nothing I can do about it. So I will most likely become nocturnal, to avoid her and the rest as much as possible. I need to find a job within the next two weeks, so that I can leave before they start being home full-time from school. But until I get my computer online, i can't even figure out how to look for a job, unless I want to be a secretary in fucking Amsterdam.
And add into that the fact that I'm lonely as hell, and none of my email is getting forwarded to any addresses that I can check, and you have a pretty fucking miserable me. I feel totally isolated. There are only two people that ever email me, and the one of them sent me something today that AOL doesn't recognize as an email, so I can't even open it, and nobody comments on my livejournal anymore. SO I feel like I've dropped off the face of the earth, and am in some sunny, floral-bedecked netherworld. I'm overeating and not exercising, I can't even enjoy petting the cats, and Fiona follows me around all day mewling in some kind of desperate depression that I am helpless to alleviate. If I go somewhere, I can't enjoy it because I'm supposed to be here working to fit into my room; if I stay here and try to organize my room, I'm miserable.
So, that's my whingey whining of the day, and I'm off to try to buy phone cord to get my computer online to maybe find a job somewhere. But I have no faith; in the last six months I applied to about a hundred jobs, and heard back from two; one wanted me immediately, and was no longer interested when they found that it would be another month before I could relocate, and the other had just gone out of business and wanted me to know that I'd been a strong candidate. I have nearly no leads, no prospects; nobody I know is getting jobs, I feel helpless and unqualified. It's just an entirely soul-numbing experience.
I should just go get a job somewhere as a waitress. Maybe that's what I really should do; find a good location, get three jobs, eat only ramen.
I don't know. I seem to be out of options, and the current situation is untenable but sticky to get out of.
ARGH.
