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dragonlady7I wrote a lot of posts last night. They could've been combined into one, but weren't. Eh well.
I wrote a lot of posts this year. I was just looking over the calendar and there are not two days running in my entire 2005 calendar without posts.
Almost none of my posts say much of anything.
I think I'm channelling poor Shirley. I was just so angry all of last night, so angry and full of hate. Not at anyone in particular, I'm just so angry. This whole year, all those livejournal entries-- I looked back and they don't say anything, because nothing happened. This year I have nothing to show for this whole year except that I am another year older and am somewhat financially solvent-- but not really; I'm ahead on my day-to-day bills but you know, I still owe the Dep't of Education over $16,000 for my student loans, for the education I am not using.
It isn't a bad idea, this tend-bar-and-have-brain-free-to-write idea, except that 40 hours a week is far too much to do it. Or, at least, those particular 40 hours. Maybe I can study this and figure out precisely what aspects of it are destroying my soul, so that I can make a start on figuring out how to look for a situation that does not destroy my soul. But at this point I am behind on everything I actually care about, and I'm sick of it. And when was the last time I left Buffalo?
...
I don't know. I'm not saying I don't like it here, I just kind of want to travel a bit.
But running away to Japan isn't the answer. I put it away in the back of my mind for a little while and realized while not thinking about it that yes, it would neatly avoid many of my current small problems, but the fact remains that I don't really want to go to Japan, so, there's that. I also don't really want to teach, I don't think.
I don't know. Maybe I *should*. See, it's not that resolved.
But I don't want to do something like that simply because I don't know what else to do.
... But I don't know what else to do.
I do not, do not, do not want to go to work, and I am so thoroughly going to smack Asshole of a Manager in the face the next time he says something assholish to me, and maybe then I'll get fired and can collect a pittance in unemployment (because they go from my wages, right? I make nothing in wages) while I consider what to do next. Which is an appealing fantasy. (Although maybe if I smacked him hard enough I'd get sent to jail instead, and I don't think I want that.) I also keep fantasizing about hurting myself at work so I'd have some fucking time off.
Yeah, if only there were some stairs there I could trip myself down... maybe I'll just hit my head against the back bar a couple times... then they'd have to send me home... yeah... except wait, when I got a concussion a couple Sundays ago nobody even listened when I complained of the headache and vertigo and nausea and nobody noticed I was staggering, so, short of actual bleeding or active nausea I doubt I could get sent home...
God damn! And it's only the Tuesday of my week!
I wrote a lot of posts this year. I was just looking over the calendar and there are not two days running in my entire 2005 calendar without posts.
Almost none of my posts say much of anything.
I think I'm channelling poor Shirley. I was just so angry all of last night, so angry and full of hate. Not at anyone in particular, I'm just so angry. This whole year, all those livejournal entries-- I looked back and they don't say anything, because nothing happened. This year I have nothing to show for this whole year except that I am another year older and am somewhat financially solvent-- but not really; I'm ahead on my day-to-day bills but you know, I still owe the Dep't of Education over $16,000 for my student loans, for the education I am not using.
It isn't a bad idea, this tend-bar-and-have-brain-free-to-write idea, except that 40 hours a week is far too much to do it. Or, at least, those particular 40 hours. Maybe I can study this and figure out precisely what aspects of it are destroying my soul, so that I can make a start on figuring out how to look for a situation that does not destroy my soul. But at this point I am behind on everything I actually care about, and I'm sick of it. And when was the last time I left Buffalo?
...
I don't know. I'm not saying I don't like it here, I just kind of want to travel a bit.
But running away to Japan isn't the answer. I put it away in the back of my mind for a little while and realized while not thinking about it that yes, it would neatly avoid many of my current small problems, but the fact remains that I don't really want to go to Japan, so, there's that. I also don't really want to teach, I don't think.
I don't know. Maybe I *should*. See, it's not that resolved.
But I don't want to do something like that simply because I don't know what else to do.
... But I don't know what else to do.
I do not, do not, do not want to go to work, and I am so thoroughly going to smack Asshole of a Manager in the face the next time he says something assholish to me, and maybe then I'll get fired and can collect a pittance in unemployment (because they go from my wages, right? I make nothing in wages) while I consider what to do next. Which is an appealing fantasy. (Although maybe if I smacked him hard enough I'd get sent to jail instead, and I don't think I want that.) I also keep fantasizing about hurting myself at work so I'd have some fucking time off.
Yeah, if only there were some stairs there I could trip myself down... maybe I'll just hit my head against the back bar a couple times... then they'd have to send me home... yeah... except wait, when I got a concussion a couple Sundays ago nobody even listened when I complained of the headache and vertigo and nausea and nobody noticed I was staggering, so, short of actual bleeding or active nausea I doubt I could get sent home...
God damn! And it's only the Tuesday of my week!
