dragonlady7

This started off as a response to a comment responding to my mysterious missing post, but it started getting really long, and I thought it might be better if I just posted it as a post, so that the poor commenter didn't think it was all directed at her.

Why do I want to run away to Europe, anyway? Europe has a different feeling, it's true. I never spent much time on the Continent. But mostly, it would be interesting in and of itself, and wouldn't require quite so much of me having Everything Sorted Out. I sort of thought I'd have Sorted Out What To Do With My Life by now (25!) and I really haven't any more idea than I did at 18, when I went to Europe to study. I learned a lot about myself then, but apparently, not enough to know what to do now.

I think a major problem I'm having is that my lifestyle has changed now. I'm not in school. School surrounds you with people your age, and helps you segregate into people with common interests. You are encouraged to spend time doing what you enjoy.
The non-academic world makes it very easy for you to isolate yourself, and encourages you to spend time doing what will pay you-- and maybe it's better if you hate it, so you don't get too attached... So I find it miserable and lonely, because I am by nature a loner and need to have reasons to meet new people, like classes.
When I was in Europe I had few friends. I spent a lot of time alone there, or nearly alone. Sometimes I was with strangers I didn't like much. But at least I was in a different place, and there was some feeling of meaning to be had in documenting that. And there were always interesting conversations to be had, abroad and at school, about how life is different in different places. I had a friend from Japan who was a real treasure insofar as providing different views on commonplace things. I don't get that now. At all. In any way.

Dave and I lived in Jersey / Westchester for nearly two years. (Longer for him.) He had no friends there. I had friends and family in Manhattan and Queens, and I never saw them. It was never a home town and it never felt like coming home to be there. We didn't make so much as a single local friend. All of our social engagements occurred out of town. And none of our out-of-town friends would ever come and visit us.
Going to visit Buffalo always felt like coming home. So I had expected living here would feel more homey. But the friends that flocked around him whenever he visited are less interested now that he's here all the time. He doesn't ever call them, and I don't know them well enough yet to call them directly. I've been wanting to have a housewarming party since we moved in, and have suggested several dates, and Dave has sort of halfheartedly argued against all of them, and hasn't suggested any of his own, and so we just never have had one, and I doubt we'll get to it at this point. You know, we've been here almost three weeks now. And I can't even inspire him to go back to the garage and get the single final car load of our belongings.

Not having a job means I have no other point of contact with the wide world, and can't really afford to take a class because my income is, well, frail. (A class is an excellent idea. I loved my photography classes and perhaps if there was one focusing on digital photography it would be interesting. I don't know how much i'd get out of a basic photography class at this point, but it couldn't hurt to look... I'm just not sure where to look. The economy's so bad that most of the cheapo art stuff has been slashed.) I figured at least a job would be easy, as I didn't want or need anything permanent... But can you believe it-- for the last three weeks there has not been even a single bartending job advertised in the newspapers. I took the class to become one because there were ALWAYS bartending jobs! And now? None! Did the town just suddenly go dry or something? What the fuck?

So I am feeling let-down a bit because it's been two years we wanted to live here, and all summer we looked forward to how different it would be once we had our own place, and now we do and it's, well, it's cozy and becoming well-arranged, but after nearly three months of hanging on it as being the ultimate thing to look forward to... Well. I was pretty excited but Dave... doesn't seem to be. Dave hasn't unpacked a thing since he did the kitchen two weeks ago, and I finally unpacked his room for him because we have to walk through it to get to the porch and I couldn't push through the boxes anymore. He doesn't seem to care, about being in Buffalo or about being in our house. So that's tiresome as well. I can't make myself care when he doesn't seem to care either. I'm in a terribly flat and blah mood, and having him say "i dunno, whadda you wanna do?" whenever I ask really isn't helping. Come on, man, you're the one who loves Buffalo so much. What can we do? Why are we here? What do you want? For the love of God, PLEASE want SOMEthing. Just WANT something. Anything. Argh.

I suppose my problem is that I still haven't adjusted from not being an academic anymore. I just miss being a student. Life was about learning new things and having fascinating discussions with different people. My workplace consisted of whispering about each other and being penalized for not playing political games. (They threatened to fire me because I adhered to the letter but not the spirit of the dress code.This from a company the cofounder of which showered biannually.)

Sigh. I think I'm just going through one of my sort of flat phases. I should be excited about the camera, but am not excited about life in general, and so find it hard to be perky. It's unreasonable to expect Dave to singlehandedly pull me up into being more cheerful and connected with life. He's not that kind of person. What feels to me like depression feels to him like a nice relaxing day. I wanted to go to Ikea today or to somewhere, anywhere, to find something to furnish the living room or to go take pictures. But Dave wasn't sure about any of it, so we ended up sitting around, and now (as usual) he has fallen asleep and is likely not to arise until it's far too late to do anything. I could go wake him up and make him do something, but what? I don't really want to do anything. I want to know what to do to make myself feel better, and I don't.

I just cannot pick my feet up and get out of the house-- when I do, it's not that rewarding, like our drive to Niagara Falls yesterday to find out that our destination was closed. Every weekend I say "Let's go out!" and we never do. I've asked if we can go to the zoo and he's said sure, but we don't. I've asked about other attractions and he'll list them and all, but I just can't make myself care. I've been wanting to check out certain bars for A MONTH now and have not been able to get the gumption up to actually fucking go to them. Weeks on end I won't feel like going anywhere, and then finally I'll feel like going, but Dave won't, and I don't want to go alone. Etcetera, etcetera. So we sit around and don't unpack and don't LIVE.

I need a job and some kind of purpose in my life, and I need to start caring about the world again, and I can't make myself do it. I also can't get any help from Dave because that's not the sort of thing he does. (His response to the tearful kind of depression to which I am prone when exceptionally moody and insecure is: sarcastic derision. Oh yes, that helps a whole fucking lot. Now I'm depressed AND hate myself, AND resent you. Great!)

So, in short, I am bored and lonesome, frustrated, dissatisfied, and am pretty definitely not doing anything about it at all. Yay!

I am just such a difficult person. Why do I have to be such a weird and difficult person? This frustrates me, but I have been weird and difficult since birth and it's not really a wonder that there are only about three people in the world who can actually enjoy my company more than occasionally. Why can't I like the things normal people do? Why do I have to be such a spaz? I don't know. Why does A Career not appeal to me at all? I don't know. Fucking reality. It sucks. That's all I know. Bah. I don't know what the hell to do with my life and I'm tired of contemplating it, but have nothing better to do. Whine, whine, whine. Thbbbpptt.