mostly i do ok

[dragonlady7]

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I like for sure for definitely have had ADHD my whole life and have dealt with it with a cobbled-together series of coping mechanisms that have sometimes served me and sometimes crippled me, and the state of medicine and prescriptions in the US is such that I don’t think I will ever actually get to try medication or therapy about it, but like, you know, I have my very small life and the things I know how to do with it and that’s fine, it’s as well as anyone does really. This is not to complain, it’s just to explain, a bit.

One of the things ADHD people get commonly, I’ve read, is impulsive spending and such. And I super have that, it feels super good to buy a bunch of sparkly shit I don’t need and i definitely lose my mind when it comes to the Add To Cart button, and the way I’ve mostly dealt with it my whole life is to just not buy things, and to get super weird about hoarding. (You don’t need sparkly shit when your house is so full of old broken impulse-purchased sparkly shit you can’t walk from one room to another!) Yeah, that’s gone well. But.

Anyway it means I can live really frugally, and then once in a while I wildly splurge on all the stuff I’ve denied myself, and actually it mostly works out. There have been some problems, but like really, I do okay.

The pandemic unemployment clusterfuck intensified that, and completely broke my ability to spend money– having literally zero income for seven months and then getting $12k bodyslammed into my empty checking account in 35 transactions in a single day really fucked me up a lot. It took me a while to start to piece back together any kind of relationship to money and buying things at all, and I’m still not. Well, I wasn’t good at it to begin with. I’ll wear shoes that have fallen apart and trousers I hate and a bra that doesn’t fit for literal years, and then I’ll impulse-buy $300 worth of garments that don’t fit, and never throw them out and only wear them to punish myself. Etc.

So anyhow I’ve hit a point where I have to buy things, and it’s fine I’ve saved up for it (actually it was in our budget and Dude was like why is there all this extra money did you not buy underwear and yeah no dude i did not)– and I did okay, I bought a bunch of bras that didn’t fit and I actually did exchange them, so there’s that for starters. (The punchline is that they’re not manufactured in the size I actually need, but the close-enough is actually better than the old close-enough I’ve been wearing for three years, so I’ll take it.)

I’ve also spent a frankly insane amount of money on wool leggings, which I have wanted for literal years and have hoarded a bunch of salvaged ill-fitting woollen gear mostly handed down from other people and still have not been able to be confident enough in my sewing ability to make anything out of them. So I have bought some, and maybe I’ll still get my shit together and make something and maybe I won’t.

I also bought one of those Instagram darling wool dresses, and we’ll see how I feel about that when it arrives.

I’ve also determined that several things I very badly want are not manufactured in my size, so I cannot have them, so that’s a bummer. (Anyone with leads on a velvet blazer for a 50″ bust size, or silk underwear in a 50″ hip size, please let me know.)

But now I’m facing the downside of this Internet era. The upside is that I can find things at all; I’m old enough to remember going to the mall and dragging myself into several stores, finding none of them had anything that fit me (when i was a teenager into my early 20s I fit very neatly into the slot of being too fat for the largest size in stores selling misses’ sizes, and too small for the smallest size in the plus-size stores) and keeping searching until I cried in at least two fitting rooms, then dragging myself back out of the mall with literally nothing. Now I can just go to a new website and poke around until I find their size chart, check for my bust measurement or hip measurement, and if they have it I’ll look, and if they don’t I can close the window and get on with my life.

But the downside is that I spend the money and then I still don’t have the thing, so it’s not there to help improve my mood right now in the dark depths of my dire need.

paws at door packidge? packidge? (Your picture was not posted)