dragonlady7

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so i don’t really like do catholic stuff anymore but i told myself, my dad always had a palm from palm sunday mass that he’d hang onto all year, and i said to myself i’d have to go to palm sunday mass this year to get one for him, and that seemed very fine and noble back in december when it was all so dark and horrible but now it’s palm sunday this weekend (n.b. also still dark and horrible, for the record) and i had sort of idly assumed i’d be back home and could go to the parish i grew up in at least where i know precisely who’s gonna monologue about me not deserving human rights or whatever so I know how to tune it out like Dad taught me to as a kid, but i’m not actually planning that right now, so i have to go to like, a random church? here? where who knows which one of y’all is gonna suddenly pivot to the bigot talk? and now i very much do not want to do that and am now not sure why i wanted to in the first place

and that’s really how all my good intentions go. i don’t know what i was expecting. i don’t remember why i was so resolved. i don’t even remember what i’d planned to do with the palm. put it at his grave? put it in his office in the spot where he always kept them, and then what with the old one?? i don’t know.

i don’t know, Dad, I don’t think I can use the Church to be close to you, because it doesn’t work if you’re not there.

am I gonna be super guilty about it anyway? fingerguns you betcha. (Your picture was not posted)