Apr. 3rd, 2006


Apr. 3rd, 2006 08:52 am
I had no problem with the time change yesterday, but this morning it is rainy and so so very dark, and I cannot wake up. I am so cold. Brr.
I have to work at 2, and I have errands to run before then, and I do not want to get out of bed. It is so cold and dark today!

Work was wearisome. My legs felt so heavy all weekend, it was like I was running through slowly-setting concrete. I am sore today. And oh, I came home last night and was cold so I put on an old pair of corduroy pants, and... they fit. They're size sixteens, and I had stopped wearing them because they were too big, and last night they really weren't baggy at all.
So I'm bleakly downcast: how am I so fat when I have actually been exercising lately? I would go for a jog to make myself feel more virtuous, but my legs are so sore and it is so cold and dark... I do not have the courage to step on the scale anyway.

I have done very little writing these last two weeks now. I was wildly productive at the beginning of the month, and was sure I would finish the book this spring, but then I started struggling, and then Dad called about my uncle, and it's been one distraction after another after that. I finally started writing again on Friday and made about three paragraphs' progress, which I then threw out. Everything I try now sounds stilted. Also I am jarred out of the story, and while I have successfully run through the final scene in my head, and so I finally know how the book ends, I am sort of stuck on how to get there.
Which is very discouraging, and tiring, and I was talking with a coworker last night about wasting one's life, and I'm very much feeling it at the moment. So, bah, humbug, and I wish to God they'd fucking hire someone so I can stop having my carefully-scheduled 'long weekends' interrupted with bullshit extra shifts. I keep meaning to refuse to work extra, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

But in one positive bit of news, Z has said that perhaps he will see, now that he's not the sysadmin and doesn't have to be on call, about maybe adjusting his hours at work to do 40 hours in 4 days, so he could have an extra day off a week-- and maybe that day off would be a day I also have off, so we could see one another sometimes during daylight!!! But when I got excited about spending more time with him he sort of seemed unenthused about that, but I let the conversation go because I was so tired and down that I couldn't say what he meant by it. Still, I cling to hope that he'd choose as his day off a day I also have off and that it would mean we could hang out and eat breakfast in bed and go out on errands together and the like.
I got a comment from an anonymous person who didn't sign it, on my Danu concert review. Z responded to it so evidently it was amusing, but I have a policy of deleting unread anything that isn't signed, and YES, I look for the signature first. If you want me not to delete it, please, whoever you are, go back and reply with SOME kind of signature. It doesn't have to be your real name, although it would be polite if it were something that would indicate to me whether I know you or not. It does have to be the same every time: I just want to know if I've spoken to you before. It's only fair: You know who I am every time I speak to you.

I hate to delete it, because Z was trying to hold a conversation, but I have had enough problems with anonymous people commenting on my blog and me having to resort to IP lookups (which are tedious) to determine whether I'd spoken to them before or not, so I really can't be a hypocrite and leave them just because they aren't abusive. (Most in the past have been. This one, judging from Z's answer, is not.)

I have compared the IP address to past known commenters and come up empty; if it were somebody I knew, I could let it slide. But I have no way of knowing who you are, so I'm afraid I can't let it go. I'll leave it up until tomorrow, but after that, I'm going to have to get rid of it if you don't leave another comment with some sort of signature.



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