so i drove the entire way to work this morning in an absent-minded state of tooth-gritted, resigned anxiety, like I’d just been in a fight and was chewing it over and dealing with moving on in my life and all.

And it was only after like, fifteen minutes of it, that I was like… wait… I… basically haven’t spoken to anyone today… I pet my cat and said some fairly sweet nothings to my dude, I wrote a goofy post about butter, I– why am I thinking I was in an argument? I don’t think I’ve so much as disagreed with anyone in days????

And I realized eventually that I had scrolled past and read half of a post where two people were debating back and forth over something in semi-hostile tones.

Jesus Christ, I didn’t even read the whole thing and I don’t even think either one of them were mutuals or anyone I’ve ever spoken to. It was literally random strangers on the Internet having a mild but snippy disagreement over some turn of phrase. 

There is not very much of my brain working and I deeply resent that the only part of my brain that seems to be working well is the one that latches onto icky things. 


This is why I’m not on Facebook.

This could also explain why despite the fact that many perfectly lovely people have said perfectly lovely things I am convinced that nobody reads my shit and nobody cares. I’ve mostly been pretty good I think about not whining too much because I do realize how shitty it must be, if you read my shit and left a nice comment and I didn’t answer and then went and whined about how nobody loves me. But that’s how my brain is currently working: you do something nice, I don’t notice it because it conflicts with my deeply-held belief that everything is bad. (You know, that cognitive bias whatever thing that makes people do incredibly stupid things like rely on the ACA for their continued existence and enthusiastically vote for the guy who promised to eliminate it?) 

That’s not to say that the moment of pleasure I experience when reading such a comment etc. isn’t real, it’s just that it goes very pale pretty much instantly in my memory, and then the brainweasels yell at me that I made the whole thing up, that sort of thing. Look, my brain is wholesale devoting itself to making me feel shitty about arguments I didn’t even read, let alone get involved in (and it was an issue I don’t have an opinion on either way, I should add! I only read the little bit I did because it was something I didn’t know was a thing!)– is it any wonder that I’m not hitting all the marks on the ol’ social graces? 

So I suppose I should conclude by expressing gratitude for anyone who has bothered to interact with me in any kind of positive or even neutral kind of way lately, because it’s really appreciated even if I don’t actually, you know, wind up with enough appreciation going spare for it to be in any way perceptible. 
I was out too late last night and it was sort of a weird group, it was my dude and all his coworkers in from out of town, and I was the only non-employee and the only woman, and it struck me sort of weirdly at one point that only the first thing was odd. You know? I’ve been in a lot of situations in my life where I was the only woman and it’s usually weird, and at one point it struck me as weird that it wasn’t weird, last night. But I’m so sleepy I can’t really unpack that. 

I’ve written 17k beyond the 50k I sent for beta on the star wars thing. But I’ve written myself into a corner. The characters are doing things for plot and not because they make sense. This whole time I’ve been bribing myself with a payoff of a fun happy resolution I don’t know how to write and can’t envision. I don’t know if I can get there from here. it is always very hard.

I bribed myself through the end of the day with the promise of ice cream for dinner, which I did get, with dude. And then came home and had dinner for dessert. It worked well and it made me feel purposeful and happy. I always feel bad when I can’t make myself make any decisions about food. So making decisions made me feel like I was doing The Right Thing, even if it was a silly decision. I didn’t second-guess it or change my mind at all, so that was Good. 

I am still very tired but I think I may manage to bang some more plot into shape. i’m trying to make myself finish the second bit and give beta readers time before I come back to the first bit. The hard thing is keeping my conviction that any story really matters enough to tell, which I know is clearly a brainweasel kind of situation. But. I see rec lists and I’m never on them, I see other authors describe their process and it seems like it makes so much more sense than mine. It’s hard for me sometimes to think like anything I could ever do is important. I’m not fishing for reassurance so much as writing it down so I can see what it is that I’m refusing to think about straight-on. That’s what it is, and it’s kind of dumb, so there it is. 

Also I have another fucking beautiful @artgroves sketch to post with a snippet and the original snippet isn’t particularly usable and for some reason I can’t bang out a new one that works, and I’m sort of uncomfortably gnawing on that and feeling bad. The other one has a lot of notes now and that’s a source of glee (and a moment of hilarity last night, as one of dude’s coworkers had encountered it in the wild and recognized that it was my work, and was like poe dameron, eh? and i was like yo i got needs okay, fictional ones). 

So, maybe, someone help me with a writing prompt for Poe with a guitar, because I might just need to write a new chunk for it! I don’t know. Every other snippet I have relies too heavily on in-story context. 
oh no i am having one of those mornings where i regret not being more serious about my craft

because honestly when was the last time i truly considered my use of language; i have always been sloppy, have never had a gift for economy of words

and then I try to write things and convince myself it all is futile

This is most inconvenient, but, on the other hand, I had other shit to do this weekend, so maybe it just means I can peel myself off the keyboard and get some shit done. 

I’m not fishing for reassurance or anything, I mean seriously, who even gives a fuck about craft, and come on it’s not like I could have worked harder at it than I do, I have averaged over a million words per year since the mid-90s, like– under no one’s criteria have I not worked hard enough. Obviously I’ve just come off a really insanely intense productive phase and I need to step back for like, a second. 

But why can’t my brain ask me nicely?

That’s a stupid question, I guess. 

(I should have seen this coming when my brain started demanding hair-petting fics and refusing to let me just write one. I started, don’t worry. I’ll come back to it.)

* my sister and her husband and baby came thru on their way back from new years’ with the in-laws in the midwest, and it was lovely to hang with them as usual. Baby’s latest thing is that her mother told her “Pause!” during play, at one point, and she’d never heard the word used that way before, and thought her mother was nicknaming her “Paws”, which she has now decided is an excellent alter ego name, and sometimes Paws is a dog and sometimes Paws is a cat, depending on her whim.

* woke up an hour before I normally get up and had bled enough to overflow the menstrual cup I wear. managed not to get any blood on the sheets, but I got into the bathroom and thought, man fuck trying to clean this up, and just got into the shower. because holy fuck. how i didn’t get that all over the sheets i don’t know. this trash fucking body, i stg

* turbo yeast: tends to produce ethyl acetate? we think we over-nourished this batch and it produced ammonia, actually. distilled it yesterday, which was dramatic as we went from 50 degrees and rainy to 23 degrees and violently snowing during the time the still was running. considering solutions, probably citric acid, etcetera. first candidate for a second distillation! excellent experiments to make with cheap ingredients. 

* I did not mean to get sucked into it but I have now suddenly written almost 18k of Poe-POV Finn/Poe and it is absolutely not what I meant it to be nor is it particularly headed where I wanted, although technically I am following the outline I made, and up until a couple hours ago I was super into what I was writing, but I’m suddenly feeling very shitty about basically everything so I am going to attribute this to brainweasels and not do anything rash. I wanted to post an excerpt because I rely on attention to feed my creative beast but the reasonable 2k segment I composed wound up on such a horrifyingly sad note that I couldn’t bear the thought of posting it without the 3k resolution. So. I guess I won’t be posting a snippet here. Not of this, anyway. 

* on a high note! I consulted with @kiwisson about alternative pronouns for droids, as I disliked my draft where BB-8 was “it” (ugh!) and did not want to flip/flop he and she as the script does, and definitely didn’t want to use “he” like the novel apparently does, and they suggested spivak pronouns which I had never heard of before (or, well, I had, but I had no idea what they were called!) and I LOVE THEM and that is where I am going so thank you ever so much! BB-8 is about a thousand times more adorable as ey/em/eir. 

* the overarching theme of this story I am writing seems to be that Poe is surely indeed the dashing hero of the Resistance and all but in his downtime has a lot of anxiety about these ducklings who seem to want him to lead them around, and is pretty convinced that actually Finn is the dashing hero of the Resistance now and honestly people should be paying more attention to the new kid, and BB-8 is apparently fomenting some sort of droid revolution on top of all of that and he’s just got a lot to do and wishes people would stop taking surreptitious snapchats of his ass okay? 

* actually the snippet I wrote that got too long is all about an introductory holovid that the Resistance shows to new recruits, called “Dealing With Your Inevitable Crush On Poe Dameron”. I wish I could somehow make this be a real thing because in my head it’s hilarious. Ohhh, I am a one-trick pony; all my MCU stuff features descriptions of videos sort of compulsively, and now here I go. Oh well. The more prolific my output the more I can point out that I basically write the same shit over and over. 

*I will say this: the one thing I am really enjoying about dabbling in SW:TFA fic is that there’s literally no reason to ever bother with homophobia even existing, so that’s nice. Like, I don’t even have to acknowledge that it’s a thing. It’s really refreshing. I’m super jazzed to never encounter “period-typical homophobia” again. Or like, the concept of a same-sex relationship being “less real” than an opposite-sex one. Or like, someone not being a “real” bisexual. Fuck all of that noise, I can just pretend it’s never been a thing, because in this ‘verse, that’s totally plausible and fine. Kiiiiiinda loving it! Didn’t expect that! Super bummed to have no pop music though! Didn’t expect I’d care about that! Weird things you learn.

Okay everybody it has helped me a lot to talk through this. I feel less shitty. Thanks, and sorry that’s long. 



September 2017

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