[personal profile] dragonlady7
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… my Activities page says I only have 6 notes. Whether I set it to display the last 24 hours, the last 7 days, or the last month, it still says I have only 6 notes. … If I scroll down, all my notifications are still there, but… the stats… I don’t know. I’d screenshot but I have this weird notion that it’s rude to talk about how many followers you have unless you have, like, a lot. (I think I made that up?)

In general I’m sort of bizarrely brainfoggy lately, so the notes anomaly is just mildly confusing really. Today I sat down at work and got GDocs open– I usually pick some bit of writing to work on, open it up, and then have it in a tab while I’m working, since I have so much lag time with my VPN, so I can toggle back and forth and be pretty well in the zone for both my primary and secondary task, which means free writing time, whee– 

but I just sort of glanced over the various docs of my WIPs, and actually literally thought, what’s the point, and closed them all. I can’t get excited about anything I’m working on, which is bizarre and not very like me. I have a lot of, like, appetite to write, but then I actually have a document open, and I can’t make myself actually formulate any thoughts? It’s not like writer’s block, where I don’t know how to say what I need to say– it’s one step even beyond that, where I can’t manage to understand quite why anyone would ever bother writing anything, but I have this reflexive habit of writing honed by literal decades of practice at this point. 

I’m having the same problem with most things, though. I put my teaching myself to embroider on hold because I kept not being able to come up with patterns to practice because why put patterns on things? The painting I did the other day, I finished it and set it on the fridge on the back porch after it was dry, and the wind’s blown it onto the floor and I step over it and occasionally think I should do something with that before it gets ruined but, then, like, what? What’s the point? What are you supposed to do with things? I don’t know. 

I’m definitely missing a cog. 

I just spent three hours, in which I’d planned to do something else, blankly reading a page on Reddit, which I don’t usually do, just because it was a thread and if I kept scrolling there was more. I wasn’t even entertained, I just didn’t have a “stop” mechanism. 

I have no idea how I’m going to manage to get myself packed to go to the farm tomorrow. I already gave myself the evening off and said I’d come out Saturday, but, ugh, I need to like. Organize myself and bring clothing and such, because I brought a lot of laundry home last time so if I just go back and count on wearing whatever’s left in the yurt, there won’t be, like, underwear, or something. 

Why. Why is there anything. I don’t know. Why do we do things? What are we supposed to do with ourselves? I don’t know.

Maybe the most annoying thing is that while my horrible death cough is mostly gone, it’s not entirely? but worse, I have near-constant phantom itches and can’t tell if it’s dry skin or bugs crawling on me? The worst is that it’s often actually bugs, this summer is the worst. 

Date: 2017-07-14 02:57 am (UTC)
harpers_child: melaka fray reading from "Tales of the Slayers". (Default)
From: [personal profile] harpers_child
You just described depression like textbook.

Ugh. Itchies are the worst.

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dragonlady7

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