Jun. 30th, 2017

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Good: dude’s elderly aunt invited me for dinner since she’d stolen dude away.
Good 2: wine
good 3: tambour hook arrived from amazon so I can try to teach myself to use it
Good 4: dude lowered himself unprompted to Google what I should do about my computer (hey I’ll take it)
Good 5: I can’t confirm it was working, but we do have an automated backup system with a RAID array that runs hourly so it’s likely my hard drive doesn’t need recovery or anything but if it does there’s a nice little local repair shop specializing in Macs so I can go there and give them piles of cash
Good 6: the only current fic I didn’t have also going on gdocs was the 4 some I posted today, which I’d had in ao3’s drafts for like a week while I worked up my nerve to post it

Bad: computer wont turn on, I’ll give it another day
Bad 2: I might be too stupid to master a new crafting skill, I can’t figure out tambour hook embroidery yet, it keeps tangling and not actually working
Bad 3: did I mention computer won’t turn on
Bad 4: even with everything backed up I have no idea what my login was on the health insurance website
Bad 5: I have literally 1.5 million words posted on a03 and I am still a total freak wimp bitch about posting new shit??? why can I not chill?
Bad 6: without my computer I spend more time on Twitter and that’s awful because I follow so many people who talk about current events and those are a fucking garbage fire??
Bad 7: I do not have time and $$$ to send my computer in for repair or buy a new one this week and I am just going to cry about it and that’s all
Computer remains dead. Gonna take it in to the repair shop but I'm thinking it's probably actually dead so I should just abandon hope.
Dude is like, well we were going away this weekend, you wouldn't need it anyway, just leave it with them a couple days and see what they think!
I'm like... you honestly think I wasn't going to bring my computer with me?? Honestly truly?? you think I can go that long without at least pretending to myself that I'm going to write?? Even if I don't have Internet I have a compulsive need to poke at my computer, you're underestimating me a lot there.

I probably would have spent about twenty minutes really trying to write last night and even that lack was itchy. I'm actually kind of at a crossroads with a bunch of stuff rn writing wise and I need to sit down and make some choices, and i just-- I don't-- I don't want to step away, I've been half stepped-away for so damn long, I just want to get back into it!
but I can't.

Most of the current in-progress stuff I can access from gdocs so that's fine, and as I briefly mentioned yesterday, the only thing I couldn't actually access from gdocs was the 4some, which had been pasted into an AO3 draft for days already anyway.

Current events remain a tire fire and I'm burned-out on it.
Being at the camera store dayjob where I can't see a window, can't even see a room illuminated by a window, so I don't know if it's dark or light or raining or sunny outside, is getting deeply and intolerably disorienting, more so by the day. I'm being horribly unproductive and am severely unmotivated, and it's just ungrateful of me, they don't need me to do very much, and even that little bit is just killing me. I need to get myself together.

I gotta figure out how to fix Tumblr crossposting. I'm just whining that i have to do it, at this point...

You know, I'd miss Tumblr more if replies worked, but since they don't, I'm kind of not... really... missing out on a lot.
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- I’m going through this scene by scene y’all get ready

- Kay so, when diana rescues him he’s immediately anxious when she asks him “You’re a man…?” I could almost taste the “oh god am I suddenly not passing??” fear in his eyes

- He doesn’t say something like “of course I am” or “yes haven’t you ever seen a man??” instead he goes straight for “Yeah, uhm…don’t I look like one?” this is not something a cis man worries about

- Side note: if y’all come at me with “oh he says steve is his name when they use the lasso of truth on him so he must be cis” l i s ten his name is steve. Why would he answer that question any other way? Also, I’d like to note, in the comics when Batman was asked the same question while holding the lasso of truth, he answered with Batman, not Bruce Wayne. The lasso makes you answer what YOU believe is the truth. Steve’s deadname isn’t his “true name” steve trevor is obv

- Consider: we know there were LOTS of women who cross-dressed in wwI in order to fight. What if that’s what steve did to join the military when he was much younger, but then he realized oh…maybe there’s more here going on than I thought

- HRT became available after WWII largely due tothis guy, and in this superhero universe of Scientific Inaccuracies and Magical Goddesses Made From Clay, it’s not entirely implausible that HRT couldn’t have become available a few decades earlier in some capacity (alan hart is amazing, please read more about him)

- Okay, the bathroom scene: Steve panics at first when diana walks in on him, because he’s like SHIT CANT REVEAL MY WEIRD JUNK but when its clear shes not going to be weird about it, he stops trying to hide

- diana specifically says “are you considered average for your sex” not gender. And we know from later during the scene on the boat that she must know the difference, because she read the 12 volume collection on genitals and what you can do with them

- So diana’s like “well that’s not what I was expecting at all” and what she says is basically the more subtle, educated way of saying: dude why don’t you have a penis and balls

- And when steve answers above average, he’s basically saying “yeah, im trans, go me, deal with it”

- Just saying, him being trans makes this entire interaction and every one after that where steve is trying to explain western gender norms to diana significantly more hilarious

- Moving on: the boat. Diana asks about marriage and Steve answers two people go in front of a judge etc etc. then when she asks why they get married, even if they’re unhappy, steve says he doesn’t know. Marriage is as mystifying to him as it is to her. If that isn’t queer then idk what queer is

- The “this confuses me just as much as it does you” look on his face throughout this entire interaction

- His interest in her books about sex: as a trans man in an age when sex for the pleasure of vagina owners was basically unheard of/considered sinful, of course he’s interested

- The soft “no” when she says the books ultimately say men are unnecessary for pleasure; no as in utter disbelief, more like “no way can I read this??” than “no omg sex needs a penis and a vagina what are you talking about”

- Lastly: it makes SO much sense for steve to become a spy. Trans people are excellent liars. They have to be in order to survive. Steve obv would have made it through his entire military service without letting on that he was trans, so he knows he’s totally capable of lying his way into german high command

- This has so much fanfic potential, I am dying

- Go forth and write all the fanfic about diana teaching steve the secrets of her 12 volumes about sex
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Photo of a photo sitting on my desk– this is what it looks like when you get film developed after it sat 20 years in a drawer.
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I think a big part of the reason I love cryptids is that they’re literally the only subgenre of conspiracy theories where you can be reasonably assured it isn’t secretly about hating Jews. Like, when people talk about aliens or lizard people or sinister banking cabals, at least 80% of the time when you look up the foundational literature it’s a bunch of Antisemitic rot and “lizard people” is just a codephrase for “Jews”, but there are very few neo-Fascist whackjobs out there claiming that Bigfoot is Jewish.



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