Apr. 1st, 2017

via http://ift.tt/2ol44j4:klyaksa1 replied to your post “well we were maybe going to go out to a show tonight but when i asked…”

It sounds like you both have anhedonia. I’m sorry.

He claims he’s fine and this is just how he likes to live. He has memory problems but says those are normal. He sleeps incredible amounts but says that’s normal. He hassles me that I have to get all my shit taken care of and need treatment for my various disorders, but he’s just fine and there’s nothing wrong and it’s just completely normal that he doesn’t want to do anything or move or leave the house or have friends!

I don’t know man, I don’t know. It is kind of weird, now that you mention it. 
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apropos of nothing but this is some dumb blue apron shit, right, so whatever, but– did you know, you’re allowed to just– roll out pizza dough and put a little olive oil on it and just bake it, plain, like that, and it’s super good and if you knead it enough it poofs up like naan bread and it’s amazing and thin and crunchy???????? 

and like. pizza dough is just yeast and flour and water and olive oil, it’s like, nothing

I did not ever think to do this and I’m kiiiiind of kicking myself because those are things i always have in the house and i can’t believe it took some weird company mailing it to me in a fucking box for that to occur to me as a thing i could just– make.

who knew anyway I’m probably never going to do that but holy cats, I’ve made pizza dough like a million times but it would never occur to me to just bake it by itself.
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I mean. I felt so strongly about this I actually got art about it, in that epic I wrote. 

Poe has honed his hair-grooming routine to a lean, mean, seven minutes in front of the mirror, but that’s by dint of long practice and a lot of fine-tuning, all very carefully cultivated to make it seem like his hair does that on its own and he doesn’t work that hard on it. He has NO CHILL ABOUT ANYTHING EVER and that goes times like ONE THOUSAND for his hair. 

If his boots are scuffed it is because he polished them flawlessly and then went back and carefully carved a scuff in at a calculated spot to make it look like he wasn’t trying so hard.

If he was first in his class it’s because he stayed up late to study and got all his homework done the very instant it was assigned so that he could later pretend to not have even cracked the book until the last second. He’s not going to the library, he’s not studying in public– he does that shit in private on his own time and pretends like it never happened. 

He has an extremely rigorous showering routine, and shaving routine, all carefully calculated to be absolutely casual and off-hand. Oh this old thing, I just dug it out of the laundry pile (lie). Oh you know, *rubs chin thoughtfully* guess I’m about due. (He has it worked out to the hour. Almost no one sees him immediately clean-shaven; that looks like he’s trying too hard.)

He’s not dishonest. He just has absolutely no chill whatsoever in any thing, including the possibility that someone someday might discover that he has no chill. 
via http://ift.tt/2ojZG3j:klyaksa1 replied to your post “klyaksa1 replied to your post “well we were maybe going to go out to…”

Forgive me if I have crossed a line here. I am a psychiatrist and I’m hearing some pretty long-standing depressive symptoms in your descriptions. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to DO anything about them if you don’t want to, but it sounds like you are both unhappy to varying degrees so maybe taking for granted that this is just how you live isn’t the best option.

Oh yeah, you’re not really crossing a line as far as I’m concerned, I do appreciate the perspective– but yeah, I was diagnosed with depression in like, uh, probably like 2010 or so, 

and went through a rotation of medications, which probably helped but it’s pretty hard to evaluate that from this perspective; I think that easing my depression made my anxiety markedly worse, though, so it was kind of a wash in terms of quality of life. Mostly I gained 30 pounds, permanently, on sertraline, which meant that my coach in the sport I played at the time stopped taking me seriously and no longer gave me any play time, and that crushed me pretty profoundly. (She said my performance was fine, but benched me, for literally two years.)  I tried a couple other things, accidentally cold-turkeyed myself off Wellbutrin at a point when I didn’t have access to medical care [I think it was Wellbutrin? it was time-release capsules you couldn’t cut in half so i had no way to taper, and it was brain zaps and freakouts for a solid week], and that was so incredibly unpleasant that I absolutely cannot muster the gumption to get myself back in to see a doctor because that was fucking terrible and none of it really helped with my executive function or brain fog problems, which upset me more than the mood issues in general. I mean, I get fucking brutal aphasia basically every month at one particular point in my menstrual cycle, like cannot-communicate-level aphasia, like don’t speak for two days kind of level sometimes, and none of the depression meds helped with that in the slightest bit.

If I had any kind of executive function at all, I’d go get evaluated for ADHD/dyscalculia, which I know I have, and try to work out a treatment plan for those, and see if that helped with any of the other stuff. Buuuuuuut that involves making phone calls so it won’t happen, so. Oh also I’m violently allergic to sunlight and haven’t had that looked at either. I pretty much have to be dying before I can manage to get myself to a doctor of any stripe, so I’m not holding out a ton of hope that I’m really going to do anything about that anytime soon. 

They don’t just– hand out executive function boosters. And I’ve spent so much of my life– the vast majority of my adult life, really– without health insurance that the whole concept of ??? having insurance?? ?? seeing a doctor? ??? is like?? ?????? that sounds fake? but okay? I mean– I have insurance, but I don’t believe in it. I wonder how many people in my generation are like this! We’re going to go back to the weirdo Depression-era pulling of our own teeth like our grandparents did, it’s goddamn horrifying. (Dude’s grandpa pulled his own teeth in the basement and kept them in a coffee can and they only found out after he died. USA! USA! USA!)

And I guess my dude is perfectly happy? A couple of years back, around the time of the Meds Experiments, I just went on strike, stopped doing all the emotional labor I’d been doing, stopped doing what little housework ever got done in the house, and Dude took over all the cooking and dishes, and apart from that has lived in apparent filthy bliss since that time. I leave town for a month and come back and he basically hasn’t moved except to go to work and feed himself and spend the hour before I pulled in doing his dishes because he hadn’t up to that point. He swears he’s fine and doesn’t care, except occasionally when he snaps and admits he wishes I’d clean the house. (He thinks he can’t, because it would disturb my stuff. He thinks I keep stuff in the toilet? He thinks the lint and crumbs in the corners of the kitchen floor, which hasn’t been swept in Christ knows how long, is stuff I’m planning to save for later? I don’t know, I can’t really follow his logic. He has a whole cache of weird things saved on the kitchen counter and when I asked he looked at me like I was crazy and said that was my stuff. I don’t! live here! most of the time! I don’t know what that is and did not put that there! He genuinely believes it’s my… empty oil bottle and unaffiliated jar lid and this looks like maybe the slider from a Ziploc bag and these are the lids of some Tupperwares we threw out? I don’t know!) 

I can’t gainsay his personal experience of himself but I don’t understand it either.

Alas, we are perfectly compatible in every way except that neither of us can keep a fucking house. He swears he feels fine though. He hasn’t seen a doctor in longer than me.
via http://ift.tt/2oJ7tnZ:aimmyarrowshigh replied to your post “aimmyarrowshigh: ANYWAY POE DAMERON SMELLS LIKE SPACE-CEDAR-AND-LEMON…”

See, I don’t even think Poe pretends to have chill, I think he just openly has THE LEAST CHILL and it’s one of his most charming facets at this point, for most people.

Ha ha, I like that too, that is a great (and perfectly canon-supported) interpretation.

 But i have like.  A hojillion words invested into this characterization of Poe as Overachiever In All Things Including Being (I’m channeling like, 2005-era Dooce, if anyone remembers her) The Valedictorian Of Being Super Chill All The Time. 

He is. He is so chill, you guys. He is like, keeps talking way too long about how it’s cool if you do whatever it is that you do because if he were you he would do this thing? which is cool? and it’s cool? if you don’t do that? but really it’s actually well there’s a lot of research supporting– but I mean. It’s cool. You do you. Because it’s super cool when you do you. You know? *finger-guns* *backs out of the room* *blows out a breath through pursed lips* yeah okay buddy next time maybe stop talking a little earlier yeah okay. 

(That’s like. Poe at like. 25. He’s a little better at stopping talking as he gets through his twenties. By thirty he has his own specific gravity so he can kind of talk as long as he wants now, someone will undoubtedly chime in with a well-timed polite laugh, and that’s his cue, finger guns, change the subject, whew.) 

That shit’s exhausting but by the way if you survive into your thirties it eventually tends to ease until you can start to just– speak your fuckin’ mind and not worry about it, because your existential dread has worn down a bunch of the parts you used to have to suppress, so you’re actually legit chill about the petty stuff because you ran out of fucks at about 35 and have been coasting ever since. And the shit you’re not chill about, well, at this point you know you’re justified so fuck being fake-chill, you have zero chill because it’s not warranted. Poe at forty, if he lives that long, is going to finally actually be as chill as he’s always pretended to be, but that brand of chill offers a lot of getting your ass chewed out if you fuck up the actual-important stuff because at this point he has the perspective to know the difference. There’s shit to be chill about and there’s shit not to be chill about.

And now he’s not going to pretend that his hair does that on its own. His hair does what he wants it to, and he spends as long on it as he wants, he doesn’t have to share the fresher anymore. And fuck you, that silver stripe’s all his, you can’t fake that funk and you know it’s hot. 
via http://ift.tt/2nG9fH4:grumpylady replied to your post “klyaksa1 replied to your post “klyaksa1 replied to your post “well…”

Hey I accidentally hit enter and posted my note, take *that* anxiety!

((((HUGS YOU))))

I sort of figured I’m not the only one in that boat, that was why i posted that instead of replying by messenger. I know a lot of people who have problems like this. And it all could be better, but most of the time, we are okay and we survive. And we should get help and improve, and hopefully some of us are inspired to. But it never goes away, you don’t get “cured” and it’s all fixed, so. You slide back down here sometimes even if you do everything “right”. And it’s bad and should be better, but it’s also okay, you live, or maybe not– but, life is what it is. Do I want better? Yes. Do I deserve better? That’s hard to believe, but yes, I know, on some level, yes. Sure, yes I do.

 Can I continue on? Also yes. I don’t have to make myself wait until I can get better before I can go on living my life. You just live, and if you can make it better, you do. But if you can’t, you don’t, and you still do what you can, and that’s sometimes enough and if it’s not you hope maybe you can get a hand up until it is.

You can *always* write to me about it, and maybe I won’t write back but if I’m in a place where I can, I’ll try to, and if I’m not, well, I probably saw it and probably at least nodded along and wished I could answer. Don’t delete it, send it along, publicly or privately, I’m here for you. 
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“If you have a creative mind, it’s like owning a border collie. You have to give it something to do or it will find something to do, and you will not like the thing it finds to do.”

Elizabeth Gilbert



via http://ift.tt/2nI2RPI:aimmyarrowshigh replied to your post “aimmyarrowshigh replied to your post “aimmyarrowshigh: ANYWAY POE…”

i mean lbr my deciding that poe is just OPENLY NEVER CHILL ABOUT ANYTHING ALL THE TIME DISAGREEING WITH POE IS LIKE ARGUING WITH THE SUN is absolutely projection on my part, too, lol. although i am not 30 for another two weeks. so i may mellow. i doubt it. but it’s possible. but i doubt it.

Hee, happy birthday in advance. In my experience one’s thirties don’t mellow one, but they do often equip one with the perspective to be cannier in approaching one’s battles, so that one is more frequently set up to either win them decisively or avoid them altogether. Not to understate that, overall, it does make for a better user experience; I bring it up in part because you had been fretting about aging, earlier, and I thought that as a Certified Agéd Crone I could point out the upsides to the inevitable process that no one thinks to mention alongside the formidable downsides, which are mostly physical decay and loss of cultural prestige if female. Yes, it sucks that your body betrays you, but you know, my body’s actually holding up pretty well; you gotta take care of yourself and pace yourself a bit but some stuff actually improves as you get older. [TMI tradeoff: worse menstrual cramps, with the ability to be effortlessly multiorgasmic. enh! i’ll take it.]

I have not mellowed as I have aged, if you take ‘mellow’ to mean ‘become less’; no, I have intensified, but that’s really what aging does to liquor, too– files off the harsh notes a bit but makes the entire thing much more idiosyncratic and complex. I don’t think I’m any easier to swallow, and I don’t know that I win more arguments, but fewer attempt them, so I think my win ratio is way up. 

But– to get back to blatantly projecting onto characters, I am a huge fan of fandom in particular, for the way in which authors get to project themselves and their loved ones into subtle variations of a character, in endless little individual-flavored iterations, a whole mosaic of the uniqueness of human experiences. 

Mainstream media sources tend to prioritize the self-inserts of an extremely narrow demographic, and it has none of the same kind of charm.
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I didn’t get a different ask from you, I don’t think, apart from that first one about the desktop site? so probably :(

I have used desktop duolingo a bit! At this point about half of what I’ve done has been on the desktop site. It’s… not really that much more comprehensive than the mobile site, there’s just more typing, that I could find. Am I doing it wrong?

Anyway anyone doing duolingo add me! I don’t know what that accomplishes but I love collecting people for some reason. I am apparently called bridget942 over there, for whatever that means! 

Oh also I discovered the hard way though that some things don’t count toward your daily totals, so i broke my streak even though i worked on the damn site for like 45 minutes on the day that didn’t count? grr. Apparently Skills just don’t count for anything, and it’s only working on the main tree area that actually counts toward a streak? The day is colored green like the rest of my days, but the streak ends at it and begins again the day after, so that’s a pile of horse shit, why gameify it and then have it so easy to lose at?

I don’t understand the chain or tree thing at all really, but it does help to know that it put me where it did just because nobody gets placed farther along than that. Because most of the lessons are insanely boring so I just fly through them to get to the next thing, and I was wondering what I’d done to get myself placed there. I have the issue, I think, of reasonable underlying fundamentals, but I do sincerely need review, and so being halfway through the chain, most of it’s not advanced enough but then there’s a lot of stuff I’m expected to know that I don’t have any access to review of. It can be really frustrating when they introduce a word I’m expected to know in a way that means I can’t actually learn it. (Like, dictating it and expecting me to transcribe it when I’ve never seen it before. “Ya veras,” the guy said a bunch of times as the very first question of the lesson, and I thought, “isn’t keychain masculine? llaveros? Welp, llaveras, I guess?” WRONG okay but I need more context to randomly guess that you’re conjugating a verb. A longer text, maybe half a sentence at least, would have given me some clue. That was not useful.) But then, most of it is mind-numbing repetition, which is great if you’re learning but less useful if you’re only reviewing. 

I’m also getting a little frustrated by how often they’ll mark my answers incorrect when they’re not. But I mean. It doesn’t matter, they’ll just ask again later. But it gets to me, especially when it means it won’t let me test out of a skill I know already. I get it, it’s a game, but I don’t play games so it doesn’t bind to my receptors like it does for a lot of people, LOL.

But I have looked for, and not been able to find, any kind of explanations, verb tables, etcetera– it’s been sort of astonishingly free of context of any kind so far, and I’ve poked around and gotten lost and had to just close out of the site. Is all that stuff under Discussion, and I just have to subscribe to the right ones? I don’t see anything like that. I would love to try my hand at translating a longer text, and I was considering just going out and finding something and working on it and submitting it to my mother to have her grade it, or throwing it on the tender mercies of the Internet, but if there’s a thing within Duolingo I’d love to do that. I just can’t find it. 

I wind up just Googling for other Spanish-language learning things so I can look up my own verb conjugation charts and such, and supplement Duolingo that way, since it’s not something I can find within their curriculum. At this point I’m using it for the habit-forming aspect, and for no other real reason/to no other particular effect, so we’ll see how long I make it. 
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I can attempt to hang with castellano! Hilariously my only real-world Spanish-speaking experience was a slightly ill-fated trip to Andalucia in 1998 with my even-less-fluent sister when we were teenagers so, I mean, we got by, but it was a shock. 

I had not really truly realized before now how fast standard Mexican Spanish is. I mean, other South American accents, I’m like, this is okay, maybe I speak this language, and then Mexicans talk and I’m like you are the new yorkers of latin america and i will never be fluent. I’m sure this must vary within Mexico but I wouldn’t know, it’s all this high-speed stream of syllables I can’t parse. (I can’t begin to guess at the Caribbean regional accents, I’m not there yet.)

I should have guessed, though– I used to do roller derby with a woman from Argentina who became a translator for the FBI and when she told us, in genuine distress, that her Spanish wasn’t good enough for her new job, we all laughed, and she shook her head and said no you don’t understand, most of what they want me to translate is Mexicans, I can’t keep up with that! I assumed she meant the slang, but apparently it was also the speed.

I mean, all I’ve seen of y tu mama is the scene where Gael and Diego make out, so I should probably, you know, make an honest movie of it at some point.

I should link here to the terrible, terrible BBC atrocity of an educational telenovela that I have been watching, which is ostensibly set in Spain but I can understand them so who even knows, there’s barely a lisp to be had. This show is great if you want to time travel to the 1970s. “Una camisa moderna, Mamá!” he says, as his aged mother clicks her tongue at the olive floral monstrosity she’s trying to iron, which he later wears with, wait for it, a rust-colored three-piece suit with painted-on bell-bottom pants. Phenomenal. It’s called Zarabanda, and there is smoking and drinking in every scene, plus near-constant tape hiss in all audio. I can’t wait for the inevitable country-boy-debauched-by-city-girls scene that must be within the first five episodes. 



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