Mar. 11th, 2017

I reread the whole of the Lost Kings series posted to date last night, and was rather pleased by it. I kind of made a neat thing, there.

I’m trying to continue it but after having only scratched out maybe a couple of paragraphs I have become paralyzed by just how damn clumsy all of it is. I think tonight is not a night for writing. I just want to read the next bit, I don’t want to write it. Alas.

I wasted a bunch of time Wikipedia-ing about unsolved mysteries but it was notably unsatisfying, they were all things I’d read about before, or things that aren’t really mysteries in a cosmic sense, only mysterious because all the witnesses have died. But it does strike me that in a different mood I’d have been delighted and fascinated by all of those things, so maybe I’m just not in a mood where I like things or, you know, experience pleasure or have my interest piqued, so it is not so terrible that I find my own writing clumsy and unsatisfying today, as I rather suspect there isn’t anything that would actually please me.

Reassuring, in a sort of gray and dim way.

It is bitter cold now, the temperature having fallen throughout the day; we are back in the depths of winter, and it went from a fluffy fairy-tale flurry this morning to small mean icy pellets of snow whipped by fierce gales this evening, and I believe there was sunshine in between but I can’t see the sky or even a reflection of outdoor light from the closet I work in, so I don’t know for sure. I just know it’s miserable now. I got home and shut and locked the door and threw the deadbolt, and turned off the outside light, and dude and I are holed up on separate ends of the couch with the heat up and blankets piled on us. It’s gross out. It’s hunkerin’ season. 

I wish I could just spend this weekend asleep. But no. I made myself a to-do list. One of the things on the list is to find some object and coat it entirely in glitter. Something I’ll look at every day. Something I use. I’m still deciding. Rainbow glitter, the whole damn thing, covered in sealant, no shedding. I’ll have a rainbow something or other, see if I don’t. 

Hm it’s fifteen degrees. What’s that in C, since I’ve been doing that lately (it seems a good habit to get into)? Ah, -9.4 repeating. Well. Great. I’m glad I don’t have to be outside. Maybe i won’t leave the house for the whole weekend.
yaaaayyy it’s saturday!

better wake up with period cramps and near-suffocating in snot at 5:30 and have to haul myself out of bed to go try to clear my breathing passages. Yay!

thought, i admit, it’s almost worth it because chita is so delighted to see me and is purring on my chest so delightfully. whoop, there she goes, she’s had enough, but so have i. 

Also, gave myself a little heart attack first thing. 

Scooped up the cat, went to look out the window. Huh, a little bit of snow, pretty. Looked out at the street. Now, there’s no on-street parking between November and April, that’s just how it goes. But, dude said one day, oh, the town just tweeted that they’re suspending the on-street parking rule because of the total lack of snow. (Normally there’d be permanent snowbanks beside the roads, complicating the work of plowing and meaning any cars parked would be closer to the driving lane. But we’ve actually had a total lack of significant snowfall in the town this year; they’ve gotten some in other towns in the area, but none here. This is two years running, and it’s because my dude bought a $650 snowblower last year.)

So, I’ve been parking my car on the street, because I get home before dude nowadays, but I also leave before him. So I went and looked and my car wasn’t there and i thought because of the snow they reinstated the rule and had already towed me, and I panicked for a solid five or six seconds until I remembered that I got home late last night so I’d just pulled in the driveway. Oh. Right. Duhh.


How many posts about relationship advice on this site is written by ppl whose only experience with relationships is reading fanfiction

I keep complimenting girls on their cerulean orbs but it’s not working, what am I doing wrong

I get the joke and it’s cute and all but real talk, when I was in high school I used to give fucking bomb-ass love advice, I was so good at it I almost started an advice column by popular demand. Shit, I broke up with my older sister’s first boyfriend for her when he handled her attempts badly. I did such a good job too, they even managed to part friends. (she d o d g e d  a   b u l l e t but let’s not get into that.)

Here’s the thing though: I was completely aroace (I didn’t know what that meant but in hindsight I really genuinely was) until I was out of high school. I didn’t even know how to have those feelings. Those parts of me just hadn’t– happened. To say I had no experience in these sorts of things understates the point. I wasn’t just inexperienced, I had zero frame of reference, and didn’t even want one. (I wanted to, I sure did, I wished I wanted things, but I had no idea how to make that work.)

 (I’m demi, it works out, which looks the same from some angles and very different from others.)

But I understood how they worked and how other people had them. I knew damn well that me not feeling it didn’t mean that other people didn’t. You don’t have to live everything to know what’s up. Sure, you gotta still take people’s firsthand experiences into account and all, but you may well be able to understand the essence of the thing perfectly clearly, and be able to use that to help someone.

I know it’s easy to laugh at fifteen-year-old virgins writing love advice posts but come on, lighten up: I was super good at it when I was a fifteen-year-old virgin, and while I was also a melodramatic little shit, I also was precisely the same person intrinsically that I am now, so, can we ease up on teenage girls a little. I already knew a lot of the stuff I still know, I just had less observed data to back it up with. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t formulate a valid opinion. 

The sex scenes I wrote at that point in my development, though… well, let’s just say I’m glad there were no internet fanfiction archives yet so nothing of that period survives. phew.

These passages in the book “The Brain That Changes Itself” reminded me of what happened to Poe with that poison in your fic @bomberqueen17 :) the passages go on to talk about how using an artificial vestibular apparatus helped her recover function in her brain until she didn’t need the apparatus anymore. Something to do with the brains plasticity and natural flexibility, “but the real miracle is what is happening now that we have removed the device, and she doesn’t have an artificial or natural vestibular apparatus. We are awakening some kind of force inside her” pg 8.

Oh that’s fascinating. 

I deliberately didn’t do too much research into the condition I gave Poe, because it’s fake and in space and I knew I was going to handwave it away again so I didn’t want to make it too real to begin with, but– my grandmother and my mother have both suffered terrible bouts of vertigo, and in my grandmother’s case it lasted for years, so. I’m familiar with the idea of it, and what a horror it really is. 

I’m so interested in this apparatus! It seems to me, with the brain plasticity thing, so similar to that work they were doing with exoskeletons and paraplegics– I saw a post go by about it on here somewhere, they were doing some kind of VR-based research, making people use their brains to move virtual avatars and then expanding that to exosuits that then moved their bodies with those neural impulses, and over time they could start to move their bodies a little without the exosuits, and more significantly, began to regain feeling and muscle control over their bodies below the spinal injury, and that’s so amazing. It’s so amazing what the brain can do!

Sometimes I feel like fiction is like that too, where we try to show a possible world, and people can heal a little in real life just from exercising the part of their mind that believes in that possible world. 
via replied to your post “I reread the whole of the Lost Kings series posted to date last night,…”

good luck with your winter & the glitter object sounds cool! rainbow shinies are always a plus

My journal cover is glittered in a rainbow and it pleases me but I don’t use it all the time. I’m going to add rhinestones to it. But I need some other object to be beglittered, and I haven’t decided what. Maybe my headphones… 


so who else gets irrationally afraid and embarrassed about their interests being known to people in real life

#i’m not embarrassed but#i hate the thought of having to guard what i love#and defend any of my interests to others#people are the worst i don’t want them to know me





I slept on my shoulder wrong a week ago, and I think I keep doing it in my sleep, because it STILL hurts. It doesn’t help that I’m required to lift heavy things for my job

me @ god: please just let my shoulder feel better

I remember when and I went to bed feeling fine, woke up in the morning in pain and couldn’t walk straight for a week, but I’M FRAKIN’ OLD!! 

Geeze, girl, I hope you feel better soon! HUGS

Thanks bb *HUGS*
The heating pad did help! Though once I stood up to switch rooms, I turned wrong and felt another jolt of pain in my shoulder *sigh* I figure it has to go away someday, though~

Awww, yikes. That’s sounds kinda serious, I’m glad the heating pad helped, but if it continues much longer, or if you hurt it again simply by moving wrong, you should see a dr.

I just signed up for Obamacare (and look how that’s going, oh god) and still haven’t picked my primary care doctor. This is good motivation for that though XD

shoulders are the worst. also i’m going through this because my cat was sleeping on my arm and i was too soft-hearted to move her. I have an ongoing shoulder issue from my anatomy, though– my shoulders just don’t quite fit right.

I do have shoulder advice, though. Heat before exercise, cold after exercise, is generally the best advice for injuries, but cold doesn’t always work on shoulders– often the actual affected part is so deep under other layers of body that cold can’t penetrate to be helpful. 

I’ll also advise to take ibuprofen or some other anti-inflammatory, but only after work– you don’t want to numb yourself and cause more damage, but you want to get the swelling down after exertion to avoid more tissue damage and relieve pressure. (Even if nothing’s visibly swollen, irritated tissue deep inside the joint is certainly inflamed.)

A doctor may want to do an x-ray, and be advised, it almost certainly won’t find anything. if you can get a referral to a sports medicine specialist or a physical therapist, sometimes they have those easily in-network: a general practitioner is going to have only very basic insight into this sort of problem, but a sports/PT type will have seen someone with the exact same problem about a million times and will probably be able to diagnose just from your movements which process of the joint is affected. 

Hey, no matter what they do to Obamacare, they can’t touch it until next year, and let’s be real they won’t until they’ve been re-elected (are you in a red district? do you want a red state care package? i’ve been putting together piles of sarcastic homemade postcards with stamps for friends in red or swing states, it’s a fun time, let me know, it probably doesn’t help but it makes me feel better anyway, it’s very cathartic– heck I’m in a blue state but my sister lives in a red district so we just sent her congressman about a million postcards with crudely-drawn coathangers on them and the slogan “never again” in pink glitter pen) – so you have at least eight or nine months to get your shit sorted out first, LOL!
Five Guys will sell you a “grilled cheese” made of buns turned inside-out, which is phenomenal, but will also let you get a burger patty on it, which you can then order “all the way”, and it costs like a quarter less than if you order a little burger all the way even though it’s the same materials and more work, so tip your server I guess, but also this is the best thing ever and I’m mad the Google app cut me off before I could conclude my caption on this with “and I think that’s beautiful” so RIP my wit on the local Google page. I’m a treasured contributor I assure you.
For my own reference, here is a list of all the postcards I’ve made and sent out, both to politicians myself and to distant friends for them to send to politicians.

1) Isaiah 10: Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. What will you do on the day of reckoning, when disaster comes from afar? To whom will you run for help? Where will you leave your riches? Nothing will remain but to cringe among the captives or fall among the slain.

2) Bertolt Brecht, notes on “The Mother”: Our opponents are the opponents of mankind. … Whosoever is a wolf to man is a wolf, not a man. Today, as the bare self-defense of the great masses turns into the final struggle for power, “kindness” comes to mean the annihilation of those who make kindness impossible.

3) There’s no hope… but I might be wrong. Pete Seeger, NPR interview, 2004

4) Matthew 16:26:  For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?

5) A civilization isn’t destroyed by wicked people. It is not necessary that people be wicked. Only that they be spineless. – James Baldwin

6) These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered. – Thomas Paine, “Crisis”, 1776

7) IMPEACH TRUMP bold, all caps, 72-point font

7a) limited edition: an image of a child millworker taken by Lewis Wickes Hine, barefoot and leaning on her rack of bobbins, overlaid with text bearing the original caption of the photo, of her name and age and what mill she worked in. Limited because shit that was a whole lot of toner. Need to rethink and do a less-saturated image. 

8) When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can’t eat money.  – Alanis Obomsawin (Obomsawin, an Abenaki filmmaker, is attested as having said this in a work published in 1972, but the interview is alleged to have been much earlier. I can’t tell you how long I spent trying to track this quote down.)

9) From these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion– that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain– that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom– and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth. – Abraham Lincoln, November 19, 1863: Gettysburg

10) If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. … I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing– perfectly willing– to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt. – Maj. Sullivan Ballou of the Union Army, age 32, in a letter to his wife (never sent, found among his effects) shortly before being killed in action at 1st Bull Run, 1861.

11) Cartoon of Steve Bannon holding marionette Trump on his lap and praising him for being a big boy as he signs an executive order in its folder; quote next to cartoon of an interview with Steve Bannon conducted in 2013 by Ronald Radosh, where Bannon says, “I want to bring everything crashing down, and destroy all of today’s establishment.”

12) hand-drawn image of a wire coathanger with messy hand-lettered text reading Never Again

I’m missing some, I know I am, but that’s a start anyway, as I take inventory and decide what to do next. 
from the department of That Sounds Like Way Too Much Effort:

so I ran out of blank postcards for my laser printer homemade send annoying postcards to politicians campaign. and so i bought another pack. The old pack was labeled “for inkjet printers” and I realize now I’d had it since like, college. The new pack, I was like, I’ll get the one for laser printers, it’s probably more suitable. (I have a four-color enormous laser printer looming over me in my bedroom, it’s just. a thing. I also have a monochrome laser printer at work and let’s be real I’ve abused the fuck out of that thing for this project because it’s easier to get at and stealing small quantities of office supplies from work is like, an honored American tradition.)

The laser printer postcards are too thick for my laser printer, either one, to actually take. Both of them choke on it, and it’s after the feed mechanism, so it’s not that I should use the auxiliary tray instead of the main drawer feed. (The work one doesn’t have an auxiliary tray.)

So I’ve got these heavy cardstock postcards I can’t fit through my printer.

… What if I silkscreened them instead? I have screens, I have filler, I have drawing fluid. I could do that. If I took my 8x10 screen and partitioned it into 4s I could do a 4-up print on every pass. 

What should I hand-silkscreen, though? 

Limitations: It’s only what I can paint in drawing fluid straight onto a screen, so no fine details. I can probably swing large text. And only one color, I’m not doing multi-color prints or making any attempt whatsoever at complicated registration.

I figure I should make one screen that’s got four designs on it. So, that’s a thing. 

1) definitely the clothes hanger and “never again”, that’s a given.

2) Impeach Trump, that’s easy and also a given.

but I need 2 more ideas that will actually #1 fit on a postcard and be legible, and #2 be widely-applicable enough to be useful to many people. Because here’s the thing, I’ve got like 200 postcards in this box, and not even I can send that many, and duplicates, you know? So most of these are going to get handed out to other people. Nobody really cares about my Red State Care Packages but I’m going to send more out anyway, sorry friends. Maybe I’ll distribute some locally… 

But what can they say/show? I can’t draw great but I can draw okayish. I can certainly trace. But it’s got to be monochrome. One color. Not black-and-a-color, but actually one color; black is a color. Calligraphy is fine but I need quotes of like, under ten words. I suppose I could add hand-painted spot color if it was crucial for a design but that would be even more labor. However, the point of this is not necessarily to save on labor, since it’s something I’m doing for its intrinsic satisfaction value… 

Black Lives Matter is a good and depressingly-evergreen sentiment that could certainly bear repeating and is pretty universal; I hesitate only because I’m not sure if the people i send these to would use them, since I’m not yet sure who I’m sending them to, but it’s on the shortlist.  Similarly No Human Being Is Illegal, that’s also depressingly evergreen. I could just do No Ban No Wall. 

Or a swastika with a barred circle over it and the slogan Not My America or something along those lines.

Or if I can think of a simple, striking illustration I can actually competently do… hmm…. 

My guiding principle in coming up with postcards in the past has been that the quote or sentiment on the front is thought-provoking in some way, but leaves the writer free to, mostly, use the back for whatever sentiment they most strongly feel like writing about. Oh, I should do a master post of all the postcards I’ve made so far… OK, working on that.

I like having a mix of sentiments in postcards, so i can send a really angry one to a politician I’m furious with, and then a sort of pointedly supportive one to a politician whose position I support but I know they’re not to be relied on, y’know, and then a drum-beatingly hopeful one to a friend, and then a strident single-issue one to a politician of either party really. (Like, I’ll send the coathanger Never Again ones to known pro-choice pols; they take it as support if they agree, right?) 

And I can’t do my usual trick, which is have two that I print out on every 4-up, and two that I swap out and do half-batches of, because I’ll be doing this all in one single pass. (And so, similarly, the one color they’re printed in will be the same for all four. I could switch colors halfway through and then mix up the batches I give people, for variety, but I can’t do half the print one color and half another– well, not cleanly.) 
sugarspiceandcursewords replied to your post “from the department of That Sounds Like Way Too Much Effort: so I ran…”

So I have not self-identified for this project yet because I am kind of overwhelmed with a number of (mostly dumb) things right now, but: I live in a red district (heh, my typo autocorrected to “destruct” there and, well, yeah) and my senators are split. We can talk more by DM, but may I put in my vote for something EPA-related and for “No Ban No Wall” or similar?

Hey man the number one way to resist is to take care of yourself.

I’m fixating on postcards because i know I can’t/won’t do the more effective things all the You’re Doing It Wrong If You X posts keep saying as the only way to have your voice heard, so I’m probably deluding myself anyway wasting all this time on postcards. But they’re a thing and i find them satisfying and I’m doing them, and when I make too many of the same thing, I’ll give them away and you can have some if/when you want. :)

Duly noted; I’ve been trying to come up with something five words or less, or a single-color graphic that would work for the EPA, but I’m not there yet. I’m sure I can think of something though.

I’ve been thinking overnight about that post about Finn as an adult survivor of abuse and wondering why it still doesn’t resonate with me very much. IDK, the breakdown feels like it was written by someone who hasn’t experienced it for themselves, but is trying to understand it from the outside, if you know what I mean? It feels overly simplistic and missing any kind of attention to the psychological damage the abuse continues to wreak on the survivor even after they’ve got away.

For me, the thing that’s missing in this article is the emotional conflict. My experience is that when you’re raised by someone, you love them. You love them no matter what they do to you. This bonding with your parental figure is instinctive and a matter of survival for a young child. 

You might hate them at the same time, but you still love them nevertheless. And that means that for a long time you try to justify them in your own mind by assuming that they are right and you are the one who just can’t exist as a human properly. And you want their approval, and you all but break yourself trying to get it…

And when you do realize that they are the ones in the wrong, that they are actively harming you, the terrible part is that you don’t stop loving them.

You might be strong enough to be willing to break with them forever, but you have to all but tear yourself apart to do it. You come out still convinced that you’re wrong, that you’re bad - that you’re reading the situation wrong, that if only there was some way you could somehow understand things differently, if you could only find it, you could repair this relationship and make it actually work for everyone.

Then you go back for another round. Or you stay out and have to spend years de-programming yourself until you can finally accept that what happened was not actually your fault at all.

But Finn makes that break so cleanly. It’s like he has the realization that he needs to get out, and he gets out, and afterwards he’s not twisted up at all. There are no lingering aftereffects. He reacts with delight to the nice people he finds outside and is never really puzzled as to how they can possibly actually be this nice with no hidden agenda. His trust in human nature and his ability to connect openly with other people seem to be undamaged.

Yes he’s scared of the First Order - that’s a perfectly rational fear in his situation - but he never seems to yearn for them. He never seems to revisit his decision and wonder if he’s made a terrible mistake and then go through the whole mental rigmarole of escape again (and again and again because it doesn’t ever let you rest.)

So IDK. Don’t get me wrong - I find Finn very likable, and I can’t wait to see what happens to him next - but he just seems so mentally well-adjusted to me. 

I can read that as a result of being an exceptional person and maybe as a result of the Force, but I can’t really recognize it as being similar to the messy pull-your-own-joints-out-of-their-sockets process of abuse recovery that I personally know from real life.



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