So the week before last, I discovered Wet Seal was going out of business. Nine times out of ten i hate everything on their website, but then when I went and looked this time, everything was like, five dollars. So I went a little nuts.
I now own one of those lace-overlay nude-slip dresses, a glittery fake fur leopard-print vest, spruce green crushed velvet leggings, about ten assorted flimsy t-shirts (they were three dollars what was I supposed to do) and a handful of flannel shirts, and some jeans that fit me like they were painted on. (WHATEVER as i approach forty i have fewer and fewer fucks to give.) (There is also a dress that is labeled “2x” like everything else but I estimate would fit a 38″ bust, and a skirt also labeled “2x” that is designed for about a 22″ waist. All sales final but I can see why. Fortunately I have many small friends.)
Then one night at the farm I was in so much pain from moving half a ton of lumber with my out-of-shape office worker ass, that I just went to bed at like 7pm, and lay there, and was looking at Amazon’s deals of the day like you do, I was going to cancel my Amazon Prime because amazon advertises on breitbart but i didn’t get around to it yet and they had one of those umbrella-style aluminum backyard clothes hangers on sale for $25 off and it was the good one, not the kind that falls apart in the wind, and I’ve been wanting one for literally twelve years, I’ve been using a rope tied from my garage to the phone pole in back for literally twelve years, so
I bought it, and then while I was shopping I bought myself Add-On-Item bright red lipstick because I constantly want bright red lipstick and nothing I buy ever suits the purpose.
So… while I was not home, my dude answered the door to a series of packages. The box from WetSeal was like, twenty pounds and enormous. Then there was an Amazon box that weighed less than two ounces. (Huge box, bubble pack, single tube of lipstick, I love/hate you Amazon.) Then the mailman knocked on the door.
“Bet you’ve been waiting for this,” he said, presenting Dude with a 109″ box. (Go look at how long 109 inches is, I’ll wait. 2.76 meters. I’m 67 inches tall and am slightly above average height for a woman in the US.)
“Buddy I don’t even know what the fuck this is,” Dude said, but accepted the package and sent me a text.
“uhhhhh Amazon says hi,” said the text.
“Oh right,” I texted back. “I meant to tell you…”
Anyway I’m currently wearing $2 satin pajama pants and a fake wool poncho and bright red lipstick and no I didn’t go set up the clothesline it’s 19 degrees outside are you crazy. (For my metric friends, that’s negative seven.)